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[ And so her attempt to speak about Ardyn and Honerva instead for a means to distract fails spectacularly. Pyra finds herself going silent and still in Honerva's embrace, shutting her eyes.
She is no stranger to having loved ones die before her, and she is not a stranger for them dying because of her, either, but it's the latter point that she had sorely wished would never happen once more. Noctis hadn't died, neither had Ardyn. But again: too close, and they had been harmed.
Moving forward... what does it mean to move forward? If she was in her homeworld, she would need to return to the Architect to ensure no one else would be hurt. In this world, she's unable to do that. What now? ]
I worry that it will not be enough. [ She confesses this solemnly. Guilt rips through her insides, and the sound of the seams of herself coming apart are loud like thunder. This hurts, but it is nothing close to what either Noctis or Ardyn might have endured as corrupted lightening tortured them as they fought to keep one alive. ] That in due time, something like this... it's bound to happen again. Not from the fetter, but just from... me.
She is no stranger to having loved ones die before her, and she is not a stranger for them dying because of her, either, but it's the latter point that she had sorely wished would never happen once more. Noctis hadn't died, neither had Ardyn. But again: too close, and they had been harmed.
Moving forward... what does it mean to move forward? If she was in her homeworld, she would need to return to the Architect to ensure no one else would be hurt. In this world, she's unable to do that. What now? ]
I worry that it will not be enough. [ She confesses this solemnly. Guilt rips through her insides, and the sound of the seams of herself coming apart are loud like thunder. This hurts, but it is nothing close to what either Noctis or Ardyn might have endured as corrupted lightening tortured them as they fought to keep one alive. ] That in due time, something like this... it's bound to happen again. Not from the fetter, but just from... me.
... I understand that.
[ Given the worst that's occurred, given her compromised state and the fact that she could so easily be vulnerable again, it can be immensely difficult to see otherwise when guilt is in the driver's seat. ]
There always is a possibility, for the worst, especially with evidence. Circumstances beyond us all. But you... are not alone here, facing this. What may come next, or not come at all. And you... do not intend to inflict that sort of pain, not willingly.
[ She might have lost Somnus, all those months ago, but even then, she had found Noctis, they had a household here. And while Honerva could easily think of worsts in that sort of situations were more losses to compound, to feel unbalanced or open to a corrupting force--Pyra's situation is not her situation, even if Pyra goes well out of her way to not talk about her personal life beyond here, and perhaps it is far beyond what she might comprehend.
She speaks softly, taking pauses. For Pyra to admit so much, it must have been hard for her, those all-too-real fears. ]
Trust... with that sort of possibility, is even harder. We can only prepare for so much. Hope for for so much, but... that will guide you still. Is that not what you have told me, time and again? The love you carry for others... do you not believe that it is also carried to yourself?
[ Given the worst that's occurred, given her compromised state and the fact that she could so easily be vulnerable again, it can be immensely difficult to see otherwise when guilt is in the driver's seat. ]
There always is a possibility, for the worst, especially with evidence. Circumstances beyond us all. But you... are not alone here, facing this. What may come next, or not come at all. And you... do not intend to inflict that sort of pain, not willingly.
[ She might have lost Somnus, all those months ago, but even then, she had found Noctis, they had a household here. And while Honerva could easily think of worsts in that sort of situations were more losses to compound, to feel unbalanced or open to a corrupting force--Pyra's situation is not her situation, even if Pyra goes well out of her way to not talk about her personal life beyond here, and perhaps it is far beyond what she might comprehend.
She speaks softly, taking pauses. For Pyra to admit so much, it must have been hard for her, those all-too-real fears. ]
Trust... with that sort of possibility, is even harder. We can only prepare for so much. Hope for for so much, but... that will guide you still. Is that not what you have told me, time and again? The love you carry for others... do you not believe that it is also carried to yourself?
[ When Honerva finishes speaking, she nods in silence.
Hopes is what she needs to retain, and it's hope that augments her selfish desire to say, when she fears that it would be best to distance herself....
It just never seems like enough. The one she loves is hurt by many things-- every month, every month, without pause or break or time for him to catch his breath or regain his bearings, and always with something pushing him back down to crumble... And she never wants to be a part of that pain or an extra source for it, unwittingly or not. If there is some way for her to give him a little happiness, she wants to. Happiness, joy, love and not pain, but it never seems like it's enough, even if she sorely wishes to believe. (And she feels awful for bringing up her upset at the wedding before.) She feels as if she is fighting against a terrible luck or fate that constantly makes him miserable. It must be exhausting for him...
Her expression knots into a wince, and she buckles slightly forward. ] Hope.
Hope is good. I'll follow it to the future. I promise.
[ As for the loved others might carry to herself. Quite suddenly, she's not so sure anymore-- or, no, she's sure they'll say it. But is it right for them to feel such ways, when she hurts them? ]
Hopes is what she needs to retain, and it's hope that augments her selfish desire to say, when she fears that it would be best to distance herself....
It just never seems like enough. The one she loves is hurt by many things-- every month, every month, without pause or break or time for him to catch his breath or regain his bearings, and always with something pushing him back down to crumble... And she never wants to be a part of that pain or an extra source for it, unwittingly or not. If there is some way for her to give him a little happiness, she wants to. Happiness, joy, love and not pain, but it never seems like it's enough, even if she sorely wishes to believe. (And she feels awful for bringing up her upset at the wedding before.) She feels as if she is fighting against a terrible luck or fate that constantly makes him miserable. It must be exhausting for him...
Her expression knots into a wince, and she buckles slightly forward. ] Hope.
Hope is good. I'll follow it to the future. I promise.
[ As for the loved others might carry to herself. Quite suddenly, she's not so sure anymore-- or, no, she's sure they'll say it. But is it right for them to feel such ways, when she hurts them? ]
[ Gently, she gives her a small squeeze, rubbing her back still. ]
... It is okay to need reminders as well. Hope can sometimes feel... far off, in the moment. Especially at times like this, when the reminders all seem dark and so much more dangerous instead.
[ Pyra's way of making promises is solemn, but Honerva also knows how difficult it is, to maintain time and again, especially if something dips too low, the fear that comes and takes hold, but balance, as much of a contentious word it was, was applicable. To taking heart from the lighter moments that almost seem impossible to maintain genuinely, to be dragged down by the latter, and to hope the highs and lows aren't so extreme anymore, to feel that one outweighs the other. ]
... It is okay to need reminders as well. Hope can sometimes feel... far off, in the moment. Especially at times like this, when the reminders all seem dark and so much more dangerous instead.
[ Pyra's way of making promises is solemn, but Honerva also knows how difficult it is, to maintain time and again, especially if something dips too low, the fear that comes and takes hold, but balance, as much of a contentious word it was, was applicable. To taking heart from the lighter moments that almost seem impossible to maintain genuinely, to be dragged down by the latter, and to hope the highs and lows aren't so extreme anymore, to feel that one outweighs the other. ]
[ She need only remind herself that what she's experiencing is nothing so terrible as the pain either Ardyn or Noctis must have endured, to say nothing of Noctis' near-death experience. If she has to overcome this, she needs to be stronger for them, to not show such weakness,.... and, once more, to not have something like this happen again (something she keeps on telling herself, but it keeps on happening). But if those weaknesses occur... --reminders. Yes. There are reminders to be strong for them again. ]
Thank you, Honerva. I feel better. [ She manages a meager, weak smile, but a smile to show that she is trying. ]
Thank you, Honerva. I feel better. [ She manages a meager, weak smile, but a smile to show that she is trying. ]
[ She doesn't quite believe her. No one with that much guilt is that easily reassured, and certainly not from someone like Honerva. She's known Pyra enough to know when she's suddenly agreeing to what is being said against her own wishes that it's only to keep someone off her back.
But there is little she can do for that. Honerva well knows in these sorts of times that she is not enough. ]
Perhaps in the coming days, when you can see them improve for yourself, the hope will feel real to you again.
But there is little she can do for that. Honerva well knows in these sorts of times that she is not enough. ]
Perhaps in the coming days, when you can see them improve for yourself, the hope will feel real to you again.
[Okay...That's actually not too far off. Just missing the three-legged death race and s'mores. Please have this actual, genuine smile.]
Sounds good to me.
Sounds good to me.
[ Her smile remains. Trying, for now, is the best she can do at this point as Noctis recovers, and she needs to be as if she's fine, because she knows he, too, has a habit of pushing away how he feels. She doesn't want it to be like that, and in order to have him feel as if can be honest, she needs to be stronger. Holding hope is a part of that.
But no one, not even herself, ever said it was easy. It's a matter of being there and reassuring the other regardless, just as Pyra has done for Honerva before, and just as Honerva is doing for her for now. She need only push through the worst of it... and see where she washes up.
She leans her head upon Honerva's shoulder, repeating-- this time, with more meaning, ] Thank you, Honerva.
But no one, not even herself, ever said it was easy. It's a matter of being there and reassuring the other regardless, just as Pyra has done for Honerva before, and just as Honerva is doing for her for now. She need only push through the worst of it... and see where she washes up.
She leans her head upon Honerva's shoulder, repeating-- this time, with more meaning, ] Thank you, Honerva.
[ Pyra thanks her, again, and she still... doesn't quite know how to take that, this gentle insistence.
She'd been on the other side of it far too often of late. ]
... You're welcome, Pyra.
[ She says, with soft exhale, though she does not let go just yet, offering another gentle squeeze. ]
Should you... feel this poorly again, please... do contact me.
She'd been on the other side of it far too often of late. ]
... You're welcome, Pyra.
[ She says, with soft exhale, though she does not let go just yet, offering another gentle squeeze. ]
Should you... feel this poorly again, please... do contact me.
[ ...That's it.
That's an actual, genuine smile. It seems fragile to her, just a bit, but it's genuine and true-- the first she's seen on him. She cannot help but stare for a few beats afterwards in silence. On many occasions, she would point out such a smile in delight, perhaps even tease, but this one is so delicate in its novelty, that instead she simply lets it be, and lets them be in the moment.
Then she promptly gives his hand a tug. ] My place is not too far away... I can whip up a quick cup of cocoa just for us.
How does a bit of cinnamon in it sound? Oh-- or perhaps you're a boy you likes a bit of chili pepper in it, instead?
That's an actual, genuine smile. It seems fragile to her, just a bit, but it's genuine and true-- the first she's seen on him. She cannot help but stare for a few beats afterwards in silence. On many occasions, she would point out such a smile in delight, perhaps even tease, but this one is so delicate in its novelty, that instead she simply lets it be, and lets them be in the moment.
Then she promptly gives his hand a tug. ] My place is not too far away... I can whip up a quick cup of cocoa just for us.
How does a bit of cinnamon in it sound? Oh-- or perhaps you're a boy you likes a bit of chili pepper in it, instead?
[ Pyra smiles gratefully to her. Honerva has seen through her-- she feels poorly, quite desperately so, in fact-- and what she does is offer further assistance should it happen again.
She's sorry it might happen again, when it shouldn't. But there are those here to at least hold her hand, and for that... she is grateful, too.
Pyra's eyes open, then close again as her vision mists, but her voice carries a bit more warmth to it. ] Thank you, Honerva.
She's sorry it might happen again, when it shouldn't. But there are those here to at least hold her hand, and for that... she is grateful, too.
Pyra's eyes open, then close again as her vision mists, but her voice carries a bit more warmth to it. ] Thank you, Honerva.
[Smiles are a bit easier now, at least around people he trusts. He doesn't let his guard down around just anyone.
With the tug on his hand, he allows her to lead.]
I...don't think I have a preference. Camp just has the powder stuff that you put in hot water, with the stale little marshmallows? Though...
[Though briefly he thinks of thick, rich, dark chocolate, and a small café in an open plaza. The memory is gone as quickly as it comes.] Mm. Never mind.
With the tug on his hand, he allows her to lead.]
I...don't think I have a preference. Camp just has the powder stuff that you put in hot water, with the stale little marshmallows? Though...
[Though briefly he thinks of thick, rich, dark chocolate, and a small café in an open plaza. The memory is gone as quickly as it comes.] Mm. Never mind.
[ What... sort of hot chocolate is that? She's never heard of it, at least, not in the banks of her recent memory. But she does comment, glancing at him with a skeptical look: ]
Powedered chocolate-- with hot water? That seems... not the best.
[ She sounds offended. ] Who would do such a thing to hot chocolate...
Powedered chocolate-- with hot water? That seems... not the best.
[ She sounds offended. ] Who would do such a thing to hot chocolate...
[He shrugs.] It was warm.
[Sometimes, that was good enough. The camp was temperature regulated, but it still got chilly in the colder months. And between wars, when he didn't stay at camp, but sometimes needed a place to escape that wasn't the Underworld or some back alley, a paper cup full of hot watery chocolate was heaven.]
It's also really cheap. Even when it's just us year-rounders left in the winter, that's still a lot of kids to feed.
[Sometimes, that was good enough. The camp was temperature regulated, but it still got chilly in the colder months. And between wars, when he didn't stay at camp, but sometimes needed a place to escape that wasn't the Underworld or some back alley, a paper cup full of hot watery chocolate was heaven.]
It's also really cheap. Even when it's just us year-rounders left in the winter, that's still a lot of kids to feed.
[ From his words, she appears puzzled. It seems as if she's not quite able to pick up his context. ]
Year... rounders? Such as school? [ It doesn't sound as if it is just school-- most boarding schools she's heard of would provide children with food-- which is why she asks to clarify. ]
Year... rounders? Such as school? [ It doesn't sound as if it is just school-- most boarding schools she's heard of would provide children with food-- which is why she asks to clarify. ]
No. [He shakes his head] Most campers only come in the summer. They leave in the fall to return to school and their families, and come back the following summer.
[If they survived. Not all demigods were powerful enough to attract monsters, but that didn't make them immune. There were always one or two or a few who didn't make it back.]
But for some, it's too dangerous to go home, or too unstable. And for others, well, not all of us have homes or families to go back to. [Hades keeps a room for him in the Underworld, but all parties concerned for his health have determined he's better off living above ground.] So we stay all year. This would be my first full year with the camp...if I weren't here.
[Come to think of it...] I haven't been to school in years.
[If they survived. Not all demigods were powerful enough to attract monsters, but that didn't make them immune. There were always one or two or a few who didn't make it back.]
But for some, it's too dangerous to go home, or too unstable. And for others, well, not all of us have homes or families to go back to. [Hades keeps a room for him in the Underworld, but all parties concerned for his health have determined he's better off living above ground.] So we stay all year. This would be my first full year with the camp...if I weren't here.
[Come to think of it...] I haven't been to school in years.
[ The expression on his face seems... wistful, almost. She wonders if his last comment is due to him missing school, or him coming to realize that he doesn't miss it because of those he knows at this camp.
Whatever the case, she's glad for this sort of expression. It hadn't occurred to her until now, just how pained he had seemed back then. ]
How... old are you, Nico? If you don't mind me asking.
Whatever the case, she's glad for this sort of expression. It hadn't occurred to her until now, just how pained he had seemed back then. ]
How... old are you, Nico? If you don't mind me asking.
[There's a question that should be easy.]
Fifteen. Pretty sure. At least that's what we determined after a lot of math.
Fifteen. Pretty sure. At least that's what we determined after a lot of math.
Fifteen...
[ She repeats, pensive. ]
Well. You still have lots of time ahead of you, if you wish to return to school. Or not. [ She's not the boss of him, and she's certainly not his parent. ] But, I believe that whatever you put your mind to, you'll be able to do it.
[ She glances at him. ] It's just a feeling I have.
[ If he can smile after all that he may have gone through... then, surely, there's nothing he cannot accomplish. ]
[ She repeats, pensive. ]
Well. You still have lots of time ahead of you, if you wish to return to school. Or not. [ She's not the boss of him, and she's certainly not his parent. ] But, I believe that whatever you put your mind to, you'll be able to do it.
[ She glances at him. ] It's just a feeling I have.
[ If he can smile after all that he may have gone through... then, surely, there's nothing he cannot accomplish. ]
Thank you. But I don't think school in the cards for me. I'm... [Too different. Too messed up.] Too much has happened.
[A bit of a frown.] Anyway, it's been so long, it would be really hard to catch up. I'm too tired to waste that kind of energy. [He would rather use his energy stores on more important things, like staying alive and defending his people.]
[A bit of a frown.] Anyway, it's been so long, it would be really hard to catch up. I'm too tired to waste that kind of energy. [He would rather use his energy stores on more important things, like staying alive and defending his people.]
[ There's a quiet pause, and then: ]
....You know. I never went went through any schooling.
[ And while curious about it-- from seeing nobles' children attend, or knowing the benefits that it'd give to others-- this is something of which she can relate to Nico. Just barely, though. ]
War... it sort of does that, doesn't it? Takes away opportunity for others to learn in peace.
....You know. I never went went through any schooling.
[ And while curious about it-- from seeing nobles' children attend, or knowing the benefits that it'd give to others-- this is something of which she can relate to Nico. Just barely, though. ]
War... it sort of does that, doesn't it? Takes away opportunity for others to learn in peace.
...yeah.
[War is all he's ever really known. He was born between two world wars. All his memories are of running from, planning for, or fighting in wars. Even without the wars, there's always a battle waiting somewhere. The fighting never really stops. Not for long.
He's not surprised she hadn't gone to school. She feels....old. Very, very old.]
Were you ever a kid?
[War is all he's ever really known. He was born between two world wars. All his memories are of running from, planning for, or fighting in wars. Even without the wars, there's always a battle waiting somewhere. The fighting never really stops. Not for long.
He's not surprised she hadn't gone to school. She feels....old. Very, very old.]
Were you ever a kid?
Edited 2021-02-23 00:26 (UTC)
[ The question makes her pause as she walks. Here she is, falling back onto old habits of asking about others, when she knows... a good amount of him. He, a demigod. He, son of the god of the dead of his world. He, who had a sister. He, had once dreams of being a warrior and being strong, being a hero. He, who then lost so much. It doesn't feel quite right to talk about herself, in light of all of that, and not when he's so freshly re-awakened from his world.
She glances at him from the corner of her eyes, watching his expression. A doubt emerges: does he really want to know the answer? ]
She glances at him from the corner of her eyes, watching his expression. A doubt emerges: does he really want to know the answer? ]
[He does really want to know. One thing missing from the things she knows about him is that he is intensely curious.
He shrugs.] I guess that's up to you. I can't fathom how long ago it might have been, but you had to have had a beginning, right?
He shrugs.] I guess that's up to you. I can't fathom how long ago it might have been, but you had to have had a beginning, right?
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