... It was not all yours to bear. You have been facing a lot, and the resolution has scarce been a few days.
[ And Honerva does not necessarily think she would be a priority to be informed, when she'd already proved dangerous to Pyra. As a friend, though... she remembered how readily Pyra was to handle the presenting of their project on her own, and bear the burden of the responsibility alone. Here, too, it was similar.
But a protective nature and the instinct to be sacrificial was... familiar, and thus far easier to discover in those she was close to, now. Sometimes fronts could hold up too well, when others were at stake. Her embrace remains, secure. ]
Please... you may rest your apologies for the time. [ How much Pyra is hurting, how much she hurts herself, with these, it resonates too much. ] I know... that you feel you cannot say them enough, but I can see how much of a toll you have taken.
[ And so her attempt to speak about Ardyn and Honerva instead for a means to distract fails spectacularly. Pyra finds herself going silent and still in Honerva's embrace, shutting her eyes.
She is no stranger to having loved ones die before her, and she is not a stranger for them dying because of her, either, but it's the latter point that she had sorely wished would never happen once more. Noctis hadn't died, neither had Ardyn. But again: too close, and they had been harmed.
Moving forward... what does it mean to move forward? If she was in her homeworld, she would need to return to the Architect to ensure no one else would be hurt. In this world, she's unable to do that. What now? ]
I worry that it will not be enough. [ She confesses this solemnly. Guilt rips through her insides, and the sound of the seams of herself coming apart are loud like thunder. This hurts, but it is nothing close to what either Noctis or Ardyn might have endured as corrupted lightening tortured them as they fought to keep one alive. ] That in due time, something like this... it's bound to happen again. Not from the fetter, but just from... me.
[ Given the worst that's occurred, given her compromised state and the fact that she could so easily be vulnerable again, it can be immensely difficult to see otherwise when guilt is in the driver's seat. ]
There always is a possibility, for the worst, especially with evidence. Circumstances beyond us all. But you... are not alone here, facing this. What may come next, or not come at all. And you... do not intend to inflict that sort of pain, not willingly.
[ She might have lost Somnus, all those months ago, but even then, she had found Noctis, they had a household here. And while Honerva could easily think of worsts in that sort of situations were more losses to compound, to feel unbalanced or open to a corrupting force--Pyra's situation is not her situation, even if Pyra goes well out of her way to not talk about her personal life beyond here, and perhaps it is far beyond what she might comprehend.
She speaks softly, taking pauses. For Pyra to admit so much, it must have been hard for her, those all-too-real fears. ]
Trust... with that sort of possibility, is even harder. We can only prepare for so much. Hope for for so much, but... that will guide you still. Is that not what you have told me, time and again? The love you carry for others... do you not believe that it is also carried to yourself?
[ When Honerva finishes speaking, she nods in silence.
Hopes is what she needs to retain, and it's hope that augments her selfish desire to say, when she fears that it would be best to distance herself....
It just never seems like enough. The one she loves is hurt by many things-- every month, every month, without pause or break or time for him to catch his breath or regain his bearings, and always with something pushing him back down to crumble... And she never wants to be a part of that pain or an extra source for it, unwittingly or not. If there is some way for her to give him a little happiness, she wants to. Happiness, joy, love and not pain, but it never seems like it's enough, even if she sorely wishes to believe. (And she feels awful for bringing up her upset at the wedding before.) She feels as if she is fighting against a terrible luck or fate that constantly makes him miserable. It must be exhausting for him...
Her expression knots into a wince, and she buckles slightly forward. ] Hope.
Hope is good. I'll follow it to the future. I promise.
[ As for the loved others might carry to herself. Quite suddenly, she's not so sure anymore-- or, no, she's sure they'll say it. But is it right for them to feel such ways, when she hurts them? ]
[ Gently, she gives her a small squeeze, rubbing her back still. ]
... It is okay to need reminders as well. Hope can sometimes feel... far off, in the moment. Especially at times like this, when the reminders all seem dark and so much more dangerous instead.
[ Pyra's way of making promises is solemn, but Honerva also knows how difficult it is, to maintain time and again, especially if something dips too low, the fear that comes and takes hold, but balance, as much of a contentious word it was, was applicable. To taking heart from the lighter moments that almost seem impossible to maintain genuinely, to be dragged down by the latter, and to hope the highs and lows aren't so extreme anymore, to feel that one outweighs the other. ]
[ She need only remind herself that what she's experiencing is nothing so terrible as the pain either Ardyn or Noctis must have endured, to say nothing of Noctis' near-death experience. If she has to overcome this, she needs to be stronger for them, to not show such weakness,.... and, once more, to not have something like this happen again (something she keeps on telling herself, but it keeps on happening). But if those weaknesses occur... --reminders. Yes. There are reminders to be strong for them again. ]
Thank you, Honerva. I feel better. [ She manages a meager, weak smile, but a smile to show that she is trying. ]
[ She doesn't quite believe her. No one with that much guilt is that easily reassured, and certainly not from someone like Honerva. She's known Pyra enough to know when she's suddenly agreeing to what is being said against her own wishes that it's only to keep someone off her back.
But there is little she can do for that. Honerva well knows in these sorts of times that she is not enough. ]
Perhaps in the coming days, when you can see them improve for yourself, the hope will feel real to you again.
[ Her smile remains. Trying, for now, is the best she can do at this point as Noctis recovers, and she needs to be as if she's fine, because she knows he, too, has a habit of pushing away how he feels. She doesn't want it to be like that, and in order to have him feel as if can be honest, she needs to be stronger. Holding hope is a part of that.
But no one, not even herself, ever said it was easy. It's a matter of being there and reassuring the other regardless, just as Pyra has done for Honerva before, and just as Honerva is doing for her for now. She need only push through the worst of it... and see where she washes up.
She leans her head upon Honerva's shoulder, repeating-- this time, with more meaning, ] Thank you, Honerva.
[ Pyra smiles gratefully to her. Honerva has seen through her-- she feels poorly, quite desperately so, in fact-- and what she does is offer further assistance should it happen again.
She's sorry it might happen again, when it shouldn't. But there are those here to at least hold her hand, and for that... she is grateful, too.
Pyra's eyes open, then close again as her vision mists, but her voice carries a bit more warmth to it. ] Thank you, Honerva.
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no subject
[ And Honerva does not necessarily think she would be a priority to be informed, when she'd already proved dangerous to Pyra. As a friend, though... she remembered how readily Pyra was to handle the presenting of their project on her own, and bear the burden of the responsibility alone. Here, too, it was similar.
But a protective nature and the instinct to be sacrificial was... familiar, and thus far easier to discover in those she was close to, now. Sometimes fronts could hold up too well, when others were at stake. Her embrace remains, secure. ]
Please... you may rest your apologies for the time. [ How much Pyra is hurting, how much she hurts herself, with these, it resonates too much. ] I know... that you feel you cannot say them enough, but I can see how much of a toll you have taken.
no subject
She is no stranger to having loved ones die before her, and she is not a stranger for them dying because of her, either, but it's the latter point that she had sorely wished would never happen once more. Noctis hadn't died, neither had Ardyn. But again: too close, and they had been harmed.
Moving forward... what does it mean to move forward? If she was in her homeworld, she would need to return to the Architect to ensure no one else would be hurt. In this world, she's unable to do that. What now? ]
I worry that it will not be enough. [ She confesses this solemnly. Guilt rips through her insides, and the sound of the seams of herself coming apart are loud like thunder. This hurts, but it is nothing close to what either Noctis or Ardyn might have endured as corrupted lightening tortured them as they fought to keep one alive. ] That in due time, something like this... it's bound to happen again. Not from the fetter, but just from... me.
no subject
[ Given the worst that's occurred, given her compromised state and the fact that she could so easily be vulnerable again, it can be immensely difficult to see otherwise when guilt is in the driver's seat. ]
There always is a possibility, for the worst, especially with evidence. Circumstances beyond us all. But you... are not alone here, facing this. What may come next, or not come at all. And you... do not intend to inflict that sort of pain, not willingly.
[ She might have lost Somnus, all those months ago, but even then, she had found Noctis, they had a household here. And while Honerva could easily think of worsts in that sort of situations were more losses to compound, to feel unbalanced or open to a corrupting force--Pyra's situation is not her situation, even if Pyra goes well out of her way to not talk about her personal life beyond here, and perhaps it is far beyond what she might comprehend.
She speaks softly, taking pauses. For Pyra to admit so much, it must have been hard for her, those all-too-real fears. ]
Trust... with that sort of possibility, is even harder. We can only prepare for so much. Hope for for so much, but... that will guide you still. Is that not what you have told me, time and again? The love you carry for others... do you not believe that it is also carried to yourself?
no subject
Hopes is what she needs to retain, and it's hope that augments her selfish desire to say, when she fears that it would be best to distance herself....
It just never seems like enough. The one she loves is hurt by many things-- every month, every month, without pause or break or time for him to catch his breath or regain his bearings, and always with something pushing him back down to crumble... And she never wants to be a part of that pain or an extra source for it, unwittingly or not. If there is some way for her to give him a little happiness, she wants to. Happiness, joy, love and not pain, but it never seems like it's enough, even if she sorely wishes to believe. (And she feels awful for bringing up her upset at the wedding before.) She feels as if she is fighting against a terrible luck or fate that constantly makes him miserable. It must be exhausting for him...
Her expression knots into a wince, and she buckles slightly forward. ] Hope.
Hope is good. I'll follow it to the future. I promise.
[ As for the loved others might carry to herself. Quite suddenly, she's not so sure anymore-- or, no, she's sure they'll say it. But is it right for them to feel such ways, when she hurts them? ]
no subject
... It is okay to need reminders as well. Hope can sometimes feel... far off, in the moment. Especially at times like this, when the reminders all seem dark and so much more dangerous instead.
[ Pyra's way of making promises is solemn, but Honerva also knows how difficult it is, to maintain time and again, especially if something dips too low, the fear that comes and takes hold, but balance, as much of a contentious word it was, was applicable. To taking heart from the lighter moments that almost seem impossible to maintain genuinely, to be dragged down by the latter, and to hope the highs and lows aren't so extreme anymore, to feel that one outweighs the other. ]
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Thank you, Honerva. I feel better. [ She manages a meager, weak smile, but a smile to show that she is trying. ]
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But there is little she can do for that. Honerva well knows in these sorts of times that she is not enough. ]
Perhaps in the coming days, when you can see them improve for yourself, the hope will feel real to you again.
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But no one, not even herself, ever said it was easy. It's a matter of being there and reassuring the other regardless, just as Pyra has done for Honerva before, and just as Honerva is doing for her for now. She need only push through the worst of it... and see where she washes up.
She leans her head upon Honerva's shoulder, repeating-- this time, with more meaning, ] Thank you, Honerva.
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She'd been on the other side of it far too often of late. ]
... You're welcome, Pyra.
[ She says, with soft exhale, though she does not let go just yet, offering another gentle squeeze. ]
Should you... feel this poorly again, please... do contact me.
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She's sorry it might happen again, when it shouldn't. But there are those here to at least hold her hand, and for that... she is grateful, too.
Pyra's eyes open, then close again as her vision mists, but her voice carries a bit more warmth to it. ] Thank you, Honerva.