Ah- no, I didn't... [He shifts a bit, uncomfortable about bringing it up again, but wanting to be honest and not give her the wrong idea.] That's just... what Era said. The "fixing" thing, about herself. It didn't sit right with me either.
[He's a mess, he knows that much, but he doesn't want to lean on the idea that he's broken in some way. And he doesn't see how that's a healthy way for her to think of herself either. One more thing that bothered him about their conversation and her method of treating her own issues. He doesn't want that for himself, he doesn't want to think of this as "fixing" himself. You don't fix people. You fix tools, you fix weapons. Whatever she might claim, they aren't either.
He slips his hand down between them to find hers again now that it's free, winding their fingers together.]
I'd like it... if you came with me. You don't have to stay or anything, just- [He glances down.] Get me through the door, I guess.
[It wouldn't be the first time he'd be tempted to run away from something just to pretend he's stronger than he is.]
[ At his first comment, she frowns briefly, but by the end she smiles again.
Her fingers interlace with his, giving them a squeeze. ]
Walk with you to your first appointment? [ She'd like nothing more than to support him, and she'd never find it a burden, whether that means sitting in on a session with him or letting him have a session private. She'll walk with him every time. ] It'd be an honor.
[ To frame this as a good thing, a wonderful step, something that she's proud of him for doing-- she'd rather encourage that in attempt to assuage any lingering feelings of doubt or shame or weakness. ]
[His shoulders slump in relief, and he leans against her, letting her presence set him at ease as he's quiet for a little while. He hadn't expected a negative answer - especially since she'd offered to begin with - but it's still a relief to hear it said anyway. Perhaps his certainty in her answer is something he'll need to think about, or keep in mind to avoid taking advantage of it, but for now, he hopes that this comfort he's feeling is a mutual one.
Speaking of, though...]
...If you'll be there anyway... maybe there'd be someone to help you, too.
Well... um... I think today kinda demonstrated that I'm not the best at helping with this sort of thing. Not every part of it, anyway.
[He made a monumental screw-up and only barely caught his mistake. It's one thing to try and make sure she doesn't accidentally take the blame for something that wasn't her fault, but it's another thing to give her the tools to push back on her own terms, and that's clearly something he'd fumbled to encourage. She shouldn't have to tell him to reassure her properly.]
I- you think it's a good idea for me, right? To not just rely on you comforting me all the time, but to get help from someone who actually knows what they're doing with this? [He makes a vague, spinning gesture towards his head.]
[ She considers his suggestion for a moment. Whatever her thoughts might be, ultimately she smiles at him and nods. ]
Well... It can't hurt, can it?
[ She's not exactly sure how it would help her, but if he suggests that it might, perhaps he sees something which she cannot. And, as she's said before, that's another quality she likes about him, how he's insightful.
She reaches up with her free hand, taking his that made the spinning motion to indicate his head. Drawing his hand to her lips, she kisses the backs of his fingers. ] But... you know I don't mind it, mm? When you do come to me.
I know... and I'm grateful for that, too. [His fingers shift subtly against her, as if leaning into it.] But you're right, it can't hurt. I think the same goes for you, too. Just because we can help each other with it doesn't mean that we have to be the only ones.
[It isn't just about her, or him. He hesitates to say it, but-]
Pyra, um. I've made it this far, survived all the awful that's been thrown at me here, because of you. What if- what if one day one of us isn't here?
[If he were left behind again, it could very well break him. He's not in a good mental state and they both know it. And her, too- if he was suddenly gone, who would she turn to? He wants her to have more. Someone who'd listen, and tell her the right ways to cope with everything that's been going on. That person isn't always him.]
You deserve more than just me. And that's not meant as a slight against myself or anything, just... it's for you.
[ That either of them might leave without a moment's notice-- that she might one day wake up to an empty bed, without his warmth to hold or his smile to see-- frightens her. They've talked about this before, albeit in a more general sense, that what they have here and now is precious. She's grateful every day to see him. Doing what they can in the time they have left is a sentiment they both know quite intimately; but doing so together isn't-- rather, hadn't been, until they began their journey in a relationship.
She's often thought that for all of her own lack of mortality, losing others in this world and recognizing the finite time she has with another is a metaphor for mortality. What she hadn't been ready to, at the time, is to think or discuss of what happens after. If she leaves this world, it's likely she'll forget him. If he leaves...
If he vanishes, she'll be distraught, devastated. It would be natural to feel that way. He might just feel the same. If she vanishes, she'd wish for whatever grief he feels to not burden him-- or... in whatever ways she's helped him "make it this far", he keeps those methods and words to use on his own, without her there. She wants to be with him, yet if she's not, she wants the best for him.
Finally, she speaks, drawing in a small breath. ]
You vanishing... that's always hard to think about. [ She offers a smile for comfort; she knows he means no harm. It's a difficult topic, but one he's wise to bring up. ] But you're right. I--... we both know, that this might not last... [ Saying so, her hand tightens, then relaxes, around his. ] We shouldn't overthink about it. [ Much less to let it hang over them to the point that it becomes unbearable. ] But having support other than each other... That's important.
[He feels much the same way, and her smile is reassuring. His intent truly is not to hurt, but to acknowledge the hurt that may come to one of them eventually through the absence of the other.]
Yeah... I don't want to waste all my time with you worrying about what might or might not happen. But I can't not think about it, either. [Especially when someone vanishes, whether he's close to them or not, he always receives a harsh reminder that this place exists to be temporary. And it's a roulette as to who goes, which makes it even worse.] It doesn't have to be therapy or whatever, if you're not okay with that. As long as you've got someone you can rely on. And the good thing about finding a local for this is, uh. They're not gonna disappear, I guess.
[Terrible enough to lose someone you love- what if your support system was lost at the same time? He can't even imagine, and he's dealt with enough grief badly to recognize that would go very very badly.]
...Ugh, I hate talking about this. But it's important too, isn't it? Not to expect the worst, but... to take care of ourselves, in the future.
[ On his part, she knows he has many to whom he can turn-- all from his own world, in fact. For her part, she has more than she thought she'd had before, if she were to count everyone with whom she's divulged. She's not alone, either. The subject of either of them vanishing has loomed since the beginning, but not to the point that it ever overshadowed what joy she could find in the moment with him. Even so, she had thought about it before, of however to broach the topic, only to come up with nothing. Leave it to him to be the brave one and speak-- and in such a mature, thoughtful way, too.
She loves him for that, this quality of his that's both sincere and reasonable in expectation, and not afraid to face unpleasantness if it some understanding might come of it. It's a display of noble maturity. ] Mm. Agreed, and... I'm glad you've said something like this. [ She lifts her hand from his to place it upon his cheek. With a gentle touch, she turns his face to the side, kissing his cheek. ] Brave, like always.
[ "To take care of ourselves in the future." ]
...Until that time comes, if and when we partt... I'll enjoy cherish every moment I have with you.
[He leans easily into her kiss, tilting to press his forehead against hers while she's still close to him and closing his eyes. Like before, she helps him feel brave now, too. Until the day comes that he'll have to once again find his own path, be brave on his own terms, he's glad that he can rely on her, and her on him.]
Yeah... me too. I'm glad you're with me.
[The idea of trying something new, getting professional help, admitting his flaws and weaknesses more openly- it isn't so frightful as it would be if he were alone. He'd probably just go back to his old ways and try to manage it solo, say he's fine and bury it deeper. Now he can acknowledge that's not healthy anymore. The moment he'd hurt her instead of just himself was a wake-up call that what he's doing isn't meant to be a good thing, or even merely acceptable. Bad for him, bad for others.
He really hopes this is better, that he can be better. Not that he can be fixed, because he's not broken. Just... better, like a wound that needs closing, a sickness to be excised.]
[ After the kiss, she returns to resting her head upon his shoulder, allowing herself to relax as she breathes in his familiar, comforting scent and that of their garden just ahead of where they sit. Pyra's eyes slide shut as she reviews their conversation, overall satisfied with the conclusion that no matter how they came to this point, strife and stress of previous months aside, that they're moving forward to a good, helpful way to help and fortify themselves.
Her fingers slide and lock through his, and she presses her palm into his, her touch warm, reaffirming that yes, she is still here... and so is he.
Why is it that they must always ground themselves for the inevitable reality that either of them might leave? Is it because that, in a perfect world, allowing themselves to wonder what it might be like for them to stay together is too painful, knowing that it would never be? As she takes a few more moments to think over all that they've discussed, for the first time she allows herself to wonder what it would be like to remain with him.... Surprising herself, she finds that it isn't as painful as she'd thought it'd be to allow herself some indulgent wishful-thinking, in some dream where they both might live. Of course the sorrow comes from knowing that it can never be realized, but there's no harm in dreaming, because it's just that.
Another smile forms upon her lips, and she cuddles more against him. ] ...We'll manage through this. The future we make here for us... it's ours.
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no subject
[He's a mess, he knows that much, but he doesn't want to lean on the idea that he's broken in some way. And he doesn't see how that's a healthy way for her to think of herself either. One more thing that bothered him about their conversation and her method of treating her own issues. He doesn't want that for himself, he doesn't want to think of this as "fixing" himself. You don't fix people. You fix tools, you fix weapons. Whatever she might claim, they aren't either.
He slips his hand down between them to find hers again now that it's free, winding their fingers together.]
I'd like it... if you came with me. You don't have to stay or anything, just- [He glances down.] Get me through the door, I guess.
[It wouldn't be the first time he'd be tempted to run away from something just to pretend he's stronger than he is.]
no subject
Her fingers interlace with his, giving them a squeeze. ]
Walk with you to your first appointment? [ She'd like nothing more than to support him, and she'd never find it a burden, whether that means sitting in on a session with him or letting him have a session private. She'll walk with him every time. ] It'd be an honor.
[ To frame this as a good thing, a wonderful step, something that she's proud of him for doing-- she'd rather encourage that in attempt to assuage any lingering feelings of doubt or shame or weakness. ]
no subject
[His shoulders slump in relief, and he leans against her, letting her presence set him at ease as he's quiet for a little while. He hadn't expected a negative answer - especially since she'd offered to begin with - but it's still a relief to hear it said anyway. Perhaps his certainty in her answer is something he'll need to think about, or keep in mind to avoid taking advantage of it, but for now, he hopes that this comfort he's feeling is a mutual one.
Speaking of, though...]
...If you'll be there anyway... maybe there'd be someone to help you, too.
no subject
To... help me?
no subject
[He made a monumental screw-up and only barely caught his mistake. It's one thing to try and make sure she doesn't accidentally take the blame for something that wasn't her fault, but it's another thing to give her the tools to push back on her own terms, and that's clearly something he'd fumbled to encourage. She shouldn't have to tell him to reassure her properly.]
I- you think it's a good idea for me, right? To not just rely on you comforting me all the time, but to get help from someone who actually knows what they're doing with this? [He makes a vague, spinning gesture towards his head.]
no subject
Well... It can't hurt, can it?
[ She's not exactly sure how it would help her, but if he suggests that it might, perhaps he sees something which she cannot. And, as she's said before, that's another quality she likes about him, how he's insightful.
She reaches up with her free hand, taking his that made the spinning motion to indicate his head. Drawing his hand to her lips, she kisses the backs of his fingers. ] But... you know I don't mind it, mm? When you do come to me.
no subject
[It isn't just about her, or him. He hesitates to say it, but-]
Pyra, um. I've made it this far, survived all the awful that's been thrown at me here, because of you. What if- what if one day one of us isn't here?
[If he were left behind again, it could very well break him. He's not in a good mental state and they both know it. And her, too- if he was suddenly gone, who would she turn to? He wants her to have more. Someone who'd listen, and tell her the right ways to cope with everything that's been going on. That person isn't always him.]
You deserve more than just me. And that's not meant as a slight against myself or anything, just... it's for you.
no subject
She's often thought that for all of her own lack of mortality, losing others in this world and recognizing the finite time she has with another is a metaphor for mortality. What she hadn't been ready to, at the time, is to think or discuss of what happens after. If she leaves this world, it's likely she'll forget him. If he leaves...
If he vanishes, she'll be distraught, devastated. It would be natural to feel that way. He might just feel the same. If she vanishes, she'd wish for whatever grief he feels to not burden him-- or... in whatever ways she's helped him "make it this far", he keeps those methods and words to use on his own, without her there. She wants to be with him, yet if she's not, she wants the best for him.
Finally, she speaks, drawing in a small breath. ]
You vanishing... that's always hard to think about. [ She offers a smile for comfort; she knows he means no harm. It's a difficult topic, but one he's wise to bring up. ] But you're right. I--... we both know, that this might not last... [ Saying so, her hand tightens, then relaxes, around his. ] We shouldn't overthink about it. [ Much less to let it hang over them to the point that it becomes unbearable. ] But having support other than each other... That's important.
no subject
Yeah... I don't want to waste all my time with you worrying about what might or might not happen. But I can't not think about it, either. [Especially when someone vanishes, whether he's close to them or not, he always receives a harsh reminder that this place exists to be temporary. And it's a roulette as to who goes, which makes it even worse.] It doesn't have to be therapy or whatever, if you're not okay with that. As long as you've got someone you can rely on. And the good thing about finding a local for this is, uh. They're not gonna disappear, I guess.
[Terrible enough to lose someone you love- what if your support system was lost at the same time? He can't even imagine, and he's dealt with enough grief badly to recognize that would go very very badly.]
...Ugh, I hate talking about this. But it's important too, isn't it? Not to expect the worst, but... to take care of ourselves, in the future.
no subject
She loves him for that, this quality of his that's both sincere and reasonable in expectation, and not afraid to face unpleasantness if it some understanding might come of it. It's a display of noble maturity. ] Mm. Agreed, and... I'm glad you've said something like this. [ She lifts her hand from his to place it upon his cheek. With a gentle touch, she turns his face to the side, kissing his cheek. ] Brave, like always.
[ "To take care of ourselves in the future." ]
...Until that time comes, if and when we partt... I'll enjoy cherish every moment I have with you.
no subject
Yeah... me too. I'm glad you're with me.
[The idea of trying something new, getting professional help, admitting his flaws and weaknesses more openly- it isn't so frightful as it would be if he were alone. He'd probably just go back to his old ways and try to manage it solo, say he's fine and bury it deeper. Now he can acknowledge that's not healthy anymore. The moment he'd hurt her instead of just himself was a wake-up call that what he's doing isn't meant to be a good thing, or even merely acceptable. Bad for him, bad for others.
He really hopes this is better, that he can be better. Not that he can be fixed, because he's not broken. Just... better, like a wound that needs closing, a sickness to be excised.]
no subject
Her fingers slide and lock through his, and she presses her palm into his, her touch warm, reaffirming that yes, she is still here... and so is he.
Why is it that they must always ground themselves for the inevitable reality that either of them might leave? Is it because that, in a perfect world, allowing themselves to wonder what it might be like for them to stay together is too painful, knowing that it would never be? As she takes a few more moments to think over all that they've discussed, for the first time she allows herself to wonder what it would be like to remain with him.... Surprising herself, she finds that it isn't as painful as she'd thought it'd be to allow herself some indulgent wishful-thinking, in some dream where they both might live. Of course the sorrow comes from knowing that it can never be realized, but there's no harm in dreaming, because it's just that.
Another smile forms upon her lips, and she cuddles more against him. ] ...We'll manage through this. The future we make here for us... it's ours.