It is... [ And she does wonder just where that conditioning of his came from. She can't imagine Regis telling him something like that, that he simply had to endure all this pain for the future. But with the weight of the crown, and with Noctis seeing his father do exactly that all for his kingdom and Noctis... Perhaps it didn't need to said. Noctis witnessed the principle of giving oneself up for others, and not complaining, firsthand. ]
I wish you could believe it, too, that you shouldn't need to suffer for others in-- that sort of way. [ She gets it, but this is taking it to an extreme. ] It's awful.... It's terrible.
I... [He wants to object, truly he does. But it would be dishonest, and she deserves more from him.] I don't disbelieve it. I guess that's the problem. I start to feel like I should do better for myself, but something happens to remind me, or someone else is getting hurt and it feels like my fault, and... it's really easy to go back to that.
[Old habits die hard, after all. He can't stand to disappoint people or cause them pain, and it's as easy in the moment to take whatever pain he can onto himself as it is hard to handle the consequences of his choice to do so afterwards. A vicious cycle much easier to ignore than to try and overcome. But he has tried. He's gotten better. ...He hopes he's gotten better.
This is... not one of the better moments, though. He'll admit that.]
[ Her hand moves through his hair, parting the thicker locks of his hair and gently raking over his scalp with her nails. Having been with him for so long, and having seen his more vulnerable moments, she won't suggest that he's not doing enough. She's seen how hard that belief of himself is, that he must put others first.
While it does make him selfless, that same belief harms him. ]
There's a balance, I'm sure... For anything else. But for this? It's not your fault at all.
[ Which is why it's particularly upsetting and... angering... to her. ]
[Balance... no wonder he's struggling with it. He's never been very good at that sort of thing. His life tends to wobble between 0 to 100 with little in between. This place is still the most normal he's ever been, and that's saying a lot. Especially considering the weirdness they'd just experienced, walking through the soulspace of his (and her?) crystal.
Maybe this is where best to start, though, while she's supporting him and here to set him straight if he wavers. So after a moment of hesitation, he says quietly, cautiously,]
It's not my fault. [-And waits for something to happen, for the memories to rush in or the headache to come or something, magical or otherwise, to punish him for rebelling against that persistent self-deprecation the crystal seems to have manifested in him.
And when nothing happens, he tries again, more firmly,] It's not my fault.
It's not your fault. [ She echoes, placing another kiss on the side of his cheek.
She's gladly listen to him say it as many times as he needs. The crystal imposing memories on him, the gods and crystal deciding that it is necessary for such a force to overwhelm him, to-- to manipulate him... it is infuriating. None of that is his fault, especially since he's only done all as has been asked of him.
Just because he still lives, and has lived in relative comfort, doesn't mean that he should have the weight of others' tragedy push him to suffer. He can empathize enough with others' suffering, but turning that into guilt to coax him is where the line is crossed. ]
You know... I wonder. [ When some moments have passed, she dares to speak again. ] For the memories you have seen in the past, of those who passed... [ She thinks of the silhouette of the oracle collapsing. ] Would they want their memory of them to... be used in a way that causes you this pain?
[ Her tone is doubtful, but gentle, attempting to encourage him to explore the manipulation behind it-- and the insult it is, to use such tragic memories of others to do so. ]
Ah... I don't know. Depends on who it is. I'm sure some of the past kings would want to push me in that direction through whatever means are necessary... they've been waiting centuries for this.
[He can only imagine what it might have been like, waiting in the ring over many generations, helpless to do anything but watch and judge and pray. How long before some may have lost their humanity? Fragments of their souls? How much did they remember of what it was like to be human? He'd tried to speak with a few of them through the ring over time, but in some ways that was even harder than getting memories from the crystal. Some of them gave no real response at all. It isn't hard to imagine them witnessing what the crystal or Bahamut intended and deciding that it was a necessary price to ensure the future.]
Luna, though... and people like my dad... they'd never want this. They'd trust me to choose, and... they wouldn't force me into it like that.
Then... Noct, don't listen to those past kings. [ It is true, Noctis can empathize with those who may hurt him. He can seek to understand them, their suffering, their reason for pushing for an end. No one is saying that the past kings hadn't suffered, or that their circumstances didn't lead them to continue by any means necessary. Noctis can see things from others' perspectives, and that's one of his greatest qualities.
But that is where it should stop. He needn't agree with them, because somehow he believes he owes it to them to suffer as they did. ] If someone pushes you and hurts you, even someone of your own family-- [ She pulls away, wanting to look at him as she speaks, wanting to see his expression and read what doubt or pain she finds there. If only she could take all of that away, if only it were that easy. ] know that they're wrong. Just because someone suffered in the past, does not mean that you must hurt, too.
There are those like Luna and your father who have endured so much, but they want something better for you.
[Her persistence is very convincing, and her words have merit, of course. He swallows hard, lifting his eyes to focus on her as she focuses on him. That pain still lingers, of course - hard to brush aside so easily - but it is... settled, somewhat. Fading in light of her efforts to push it back down again and urge him to stand up for himself.]
It's, um. It's easier. Out here. In my own head, it's just my voice, you know? I can tell myself, hey, that's not healthy. That's not fair. And fairness actually matters in this world. No one's counting on me to save everything by myself. [His lips quirk, wrestling against that heavy misery for a moment to finally crack a small smile.] And I can hear you, too. The crystal's just- it's so loud, Pyra. I don't even know how to describe it. It's just. Loud.
[Like the worst migraine, an entire cloud's worth of buzzing insects. Too many voices vying for their chance to remind him of what they sacrificed and what he was born to do. It didn't matter here, so he didn't have to listen. But it's impossible to drown it out in that place if he lingers long enough to hear them all speak.]
In some way it's reassuring-- she had been worried that the trip into the crystal, while an idea initially supported by their hope, had done more damage. It seems so common with him, one step forward, two steps back and knocked down by some force or circumstance in his world. But it seems that he's able to have a clearer mind when not in the midst of it, so he may recover.
Her head bobs up and down in a slow nod. ]
...That's... good, that it's not overwhelming you here. [ Which would be troubling if otherwise, for that would mean the reason for imparting her crystal onto him was all for nothing. ]
Yeah... I don't get the feeling that we changed anything, if you're worried about that. It's back to how it was before.
[He can't guarantee it, of course. They'd have to wait and watch for long-term repercussions, and that takes a while for obvious reasons. He'd rather not plant any seeds of worry for that though- he doesn't want her to feel bad about it, or worse, take on any blame. Just in case. It had been his request to try this, and her ability to pull them out is what's sparing him from more pain, again, just like last time when she'd granted him her crystal. She's saving him. None of this is her fault.]
[ brings her hand down to his, giving it a squeeze. That he's safe is what matters, and should he ever decide to return to seek another memory, she'll have to find a way to better prepare-- and protect-- him from the oppressive, "loud" atmosphere of the memories. Somehow, someway. ]
...If it's worth anything at all... I think you were brave, doing this. [ She pauses as doubt makes her reconsider her words. ] Not that I think you're not brave for wanting to leave because it was awful. [ Rather, she's glad he's putting himself first rather than pushing himself too much. That is far more progress. ]
[ She smiles kindly at him, but embarrassed all the same for fumbling over what she means to convey. Pushing himself is good, but not too much that it hurts him. Her encouraging him may be good in the same way, so long as it doesn't make him feel guilty for not being able to go further. She wants him to know that he has her support and love no matter what. ]
I'm proud of you for putting yourself first, and doing what you want to do.
Yeah... well, I couldn't have done it without you.
[He leans in closer, his expression softening, looking much more like his usual self than he had minutes ago. Like he'd been locked out in the cold and she opened the door for him- he's warming up again, bit by bit, and those memories were left outside.]
You're the best, you know that? Thanks for... helping me work through it. I'd be a huge mess if you weren't here.
[He's still something of a mess, but he knows himself well enough to know how much worse it could be. It's not just because of the memories. She's talking to him, asking about his feelings, helping him parse what happened without guiding too forcefully or telling him what he must think. That's the difference between her crystal and his. She lets him choose, grants him that freedom. Her power is so great but she doesn't use it against him. He can see her expression, how much she cares, she's not faceless or masked. It's what makes her more human than the gods.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
I wish you could believe it, too, that you shouldn't need to suffer for others in-- that sort of way. [ She gets it, but this is taking it to an extreme. ] It's awful.... It's terrible.
no subject
[Old habits die hard, after all. He can't stand to disappoint people or cause them pain, and it's as easy in the moment to take whatever pain he can onto himself as it is hard to handle the consequences of his choice to do so afterwards. A vicious cycle much easier to ignore than to try and overcome. But he has tried. He's gotten better. ...He hopes he's gotten better.
This is... not one of the better moments, though. He'll admit that.]
no subject
While it does make him selfless, that same belief harms him. ]
There's a balance, I'm sure... For anything else. But for this? It's not your fault at all.
[ Which is why it's particularly upsetting and... angering... to her. ]
no subject
Maybe this is where best to start, though, while she's supporting him and here to set him straight if he wavers. So after a moment of hesitation, he says quietly, cautiously,]
It's not my fault. [-And waits for something to happen, for the memories to rush in or the headache to come or something, magical or otherwise, to punish him for rebelling against that persistent self-deprecation the crystal seems to have manifested in him.
And when nothing happens, he tries again, more firmly,] It's not my fault.
no subject
She's gladly listen to him say it as many times as he needs. The crystal imposing memories on him, the gods and crystal deciding that it is necessary for such a force to overwhelm him, to-- to manipulate him... it is infuriating. None of that is his fault, especially since he's only done all as has been asked of him.
Just because he still lives, and has lived in relative comfort, doesn't mean that he should have the weight of others' tragedy push him to suffer. He can empathize enough with others' suffering, but turning that into guilt to coax him is where the line is crossed. ]
You know... I wonder. [ When some moments have passed, she dares to speak again. ] For the memories you have seen in the past, of those who passed... [ She thinks of the silhouette of the oracle collapsing. ] Would they want their memory of them to... be used in a way that causes you this pain?
[ Her tone is doubtful, but gentle, attempting to encourage him to explore the manipulation behind it-- and the insult it is, to use such tragic memories of others to do so. ]
no subject
[He can only imagine what it might have been like, waiting in the ring over many generations, helpless to do anything but watch and judge and pray. How long before some may have lost their humanity? Fragments of their souls? How much did they remember of what it was like to be human? He'd tried to speak with a few of them through the ring over time, but in some ways that was even harder than getting memories from the crystal. Some of them gave no real response at all. It isn't hard to imagine them witnessing what the crystal or Bahamut intended and deciding that it was a necessary price to ensure the future.]
Luna, though... and people like my dad... they'd never want this. They'd trust me to choose, and... they wouldn't force me into it like that.
no subject
But that is where it should stop. He needn't agree with them, because somehow he believes he owes it to them to suffer as they did. ] If someone pushes you and hurts you, even someone of your own family-- [ She pulls away, wanting to look at him as she speaks, wanting to see his expression and read what doubt or pain she finds there. If only she could take all of that away, if only it were that easy. ] know that they're wrong. Just because someone suffered in the past, does not mean that you must hurt, too.
There are those like Luna and your father who have endured so much, but they want something better for you.
no subject
It's, um. It's easier. Out here. In my own head, it's just my voice, you know? I can tell myself, hey, that's not healthy. That's not fair. And fairness actually matters in this world. No one's counting on me to save everything by myself. [His lips quirk, wrestling against that heavy misery for a moment to finally crack a small smile.] And I can hear you, too. The crystal's just- it's so loud, Pyra. I don't even know how to describe it. It's just. Loud.
[Like the worst migraine, an entire cloud's worth of buzzing insects. Too many voices vying for their chance to remind him of what they sacrificed and what he was born to do. It didn't matter here, so he didn't have to listen. But it's impossible to drown it out in that place if he lingers long enough to hear them all speak.]
no subject
In some way it's reassuring-- she had been worried that the trip into the crystal, while an idea initially supported by their hope, had done more damage. It seems so common with him, one step forward, two steps back and knocked down by some force or circumstance in his world. But it seems that he's able to have a clearer mind when not in the midst of it, so he may recover.
Her head bobs up and down in a slow nod. ]
...That's... good, that it's not overwhelming you here. [ Which would be troubling if otherwise, for that would mean the reason for imparting her crystal onto him was all for nothing. ]
no subject
[He can't guarantee it, of course. They'd have to wait and watch for long-term repercussions, and that takes a while for obvious reasons. He'd rather not plant any seeds of worry for that though- he doesn't want her to feel bad about it, or worse, take on any blame. Just in case. It had been his request to try this, and her ability to pull them out is what's sparing him from more pain, again, just like last time when she'd granted him her crystal. She's saving him. None of this is her fault.]
no subject
...If it's worth anything at all... I think you were brave, doing this. [ She pauses as doubt makes her reconsider her words. ] Not that I think you're not brave for wanting to leave because it was awful. [ Rather, she's glad he's putting himself first rather than pushing himself too much. That is far more progress. ]
no subject
[His lips quirk again, a stronger smile this time.]
That should be way more contrary than it actually is.
no subject
I'm proud of you for putting yourself first, and doing what you want to do.
no subject
[He leans in closer, his expression softening, looking much more like his usual self than he had minutes ago. Like he'd been locked out in the cold and she opened the door for him- he's warming up again, bit by bit, and those memories were left outside.]
You're the best, you know that? Thanks for... helping me work through it. I'd be a huge mess if you weren't here.
[He's still something of a mess, but he knows himself well enough to know how much worse it could be. It's not just because of the memories. She's talking to him, asking about his feelings, helping him parse what happened without guiding too forcefully or telling him what he must think. That's the difference between her crystal and his. She lets him choose, grants him that freedom. Her power is so great but she doesn't use it against him. He can see her expression, how much she cares, she's not faceless or masked. It's what makes her more human than the gods.]
no subject
[ ...And she'll take this any day over the turmoil he had endured in the crystal. Whatever else is in there, it can wait. ]