[ When she feels Honerva's touch upon her arm, she can only glance at her for a moment before she turns her gaze away. That she would reach for her even now, knowing how important touch is to her-- for a duty to save this world, for a symbol of friendship-- is beyond Pyra's understanding. She cannot look at her.
They are recovering, yes, but.... ]
...I'm so sorry, Honerva. I'm so sorry that he was hurt. [ She could hardly face Regis when Noctis almost died in her arms. So focused she had been on Noctis, she hadn't realized she hadn't considered the same with Ardyn and Honerva. Now she's already seated next to her, when it's possible that Ardyn could have suffered far, far worse.
--And. Honerva, too. Architect, she almost took away what made Honerva so happy and hopeful. They're recovering, yes, but isn't what happened too close for comfort? ]
... I know you are. It was not your intent for such a thing to occur. That something so dangerous could be drawn here.
[ And that is the importance in this, of knowing others and their nature. Pyra has always been kind. If she weren't affected like this it would certainly be far stranger, but her remorse for it was there. Honerva well remembers a time when she could not conceive of such an emotion or the value of it.
And it had hurt, to know there was little she could do to ease Ardyn's pain in the matter, but it was still something he had chosen. His nature... because he gave so little care to himself. That stung too, but that was not Pyra's fault, either. ]
... What matters is that they recover. And you as well. Is this item still a danger?
[ She is healed. She is fine. She hasn't gotten a scratch on her, not a scar to show for it-- she hadn't been the one that nearly died. ] It's-- We repaired it.
[ She hesitates, and then goes on to explain: ] We repaired it by diving into his soul. It's there now, stable.
[ Noctis holds it still, but she worries what toll it might bring him, that he holds something that nearly killed him. He had said that he's used to having near-death experiences-- but is he truly alright? He had said he wanted to live... And she had nearly let him die... which is something he seemed grateful for, in terms of allowing him the choice instead of imposing life on him. Still, it's troubling.
Pyra looks down at her hands, helpless. No matter what she does, it seems that she causes him and others so much pain. ]
[ Physically, yes. Mentally, it is all too clear she is yet scarred, and it has not healed. ]
... Stable. I see.
[ Magic in regard to the soul is complicated, she well knows that. And yet, he did live, and by these accounts it had not altered who they were aside from the pain. ]
It is no wonder you have not wanted to go far. You are... still troubled by his state. As though all the care you could give him would not be enough. Those moments must have been so frightening to witness.
[ ...At this, Pyra reaches up from her lap to Honerva's hand on her shoulder, takes her hand in hers, and lowers their clasp to the porch. There, she sits in silence for a long while, unaffected by the cold and anything else, save for what passes through her mind.
"As though all the care you could give him would not be enough."
Then, nearly silent, she whispers: ] You understand.
[ Being frightened to lose or almost lose someone, seeing someone in pain and trying to help them. Honerva is unique in that she had been in both positions-- the one suffering from a great foreign energy harming her, and as one who would blame herself as well should something terrible happen to one of her loved ones.
She understands, so, Pyra thinks, this is right: it isn't enough, and it is right to take the blame. ]
[ The silence, and the way her hand drops as she considers it... Honerva doesn't know what got through to her or what conclusions she is drawing from it, but at least something has relented. ]
... It is familiar. To be so helpless, no matter what power lies at your fingertips. He has prevailed, but that feeling yet remains.
[ She can't tell her not to blame herself, when she would do the same, but she does not blame her. ]
If you wish to speak of it all, or simply... be, I will be here. As before.
[ "As before"... Yes, she had been there for Pyra before, almost a year ago, when Somnus left. Her presence had been comforting. ]
Honerva... you're so kind. Thank you.
[ For the offer, for sitting with her, for holding her hand; more, for working on countless projects with her, for still speaking with her after all the hurt Pyra has caused Honerva, too.
There are just far too many moments where she hurts others, and-- "To be helpless".
She cannot tell Honerva how guilty she feels that she would have let Noctis die out of respect for his autonomy, for it would be confessing that she could have brought him back to life. To someone who would rather tear the universe apart than see her son die, surely a power that Pyra does have at her fingertips to restore the dead to life would be insulting... especially not to use it for a loved one.
She shuts her eyes tightly, and her shoulders shake with an unsteady inhale. ] I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt someone you care for...
[ Pyra always calls her kind, and this continues to be strange, as much as it signals that they are both somewhat blind to their own merits.
And what is it that she looks for, with these apologies, these admissions? There is more she dares not say, a desperate quiet guilt, that someone might... justify with an admonishment, not absolve so readily. Does she seek forgiveness, or rejection?
Lightly, still holding her hand, she allows her thumb to gently rub the back of Pyra's hand. Actions that others have taken with her that she had come to learn. To give back. Pyra had held her close, when she was stressed. Could she not come to offer the same? ]
... The fact that... it might have been worse. That is what haunts you, is it not?
[ While she feels Honerva's fingers brush upon her hand in comfort, Pyra stills at her words. It does haunt her, yes. But there is another factor: ]
No.... No, Honerva... [ She admits, weakly, her voice trembling. ] It should have never happened to begin with.
[ The Fetter-- even her Artifices... Why, why did she keep those intact? It comes down to having a personal connection to them, feelings, emotions-- they are hers, she made them, Ophion is precious. After the war, she should have destroyed Ophion, too, and done away with the Fetter. Instead, she only bid Ophion to hide. Now the Fetter is corrupted which means her Artifice is, too. The Fetter came here, and it hurt not one but two people.
If she hadn't been so attached, this wouldn't have happened. ]
[ Well, there is no denying that she can relate to that. After all, she feels very much the same about her own life, and all that's occurred because of her weakness. As much as Pyra tells her otherwise.
Should never have happened. But it did, and there were scars and consequences. ]
... It should not have happened, but it has. You could not have known this would happen. That such an object would find itself drawn here. That Noctis would take it upon himself to draw it within. That Ardyn would then act as well. It has... already happened. And they will recover. They would not blame you even if it is what you feel you have earned.
[ In her (non-existent-)heart, she knows this. It's words she's said to Honerva and others before, that they cannot be blamed for events they have no control over. Still, it hurts, she hurts, and it hurts enough that it burns through her to leave only ash behind.
She's seen too many people perish-- too many, because of her. This had been too close.
Her free hand comes up to her chest, curling around the crystal there; her voice, barely a whisper. ]
[ She appears to hesitate at Honerva's suggestion, the moment long enough for a chill to settle in between them. But then something seems to give, and she moves closer by an inch, then another. Another moment passes, and she rests her head upon her shoulder. ]
They'll recover. [ She repeats, her voice less tremulous, but her spirit dampened. She feels smaller than she is, weak for taking this comfort that she needs-- guilty that she feels she needs it at all, when there are others who have suffered more. She's not the one who nearly died, and without the Architect, she cannot die. Life remains far too unfair to mortals still, and here she's harmed them more.
They'll recover, she thinks to herself. They'll recover. ]
[ Honerva waits for her to make the decision; hard not to tell that Pyra holds herself to a standard that she does not hold others to, even if she tells those same others not to do the same.
When Pyra allows herself to relent, she helps draw her close, not unlike the way that the other had supported her once before, when she had felt weakened, burdened by her own guilt, and self-loathing for it.
She reaches around, creating an embrace, lightly rubbing her back. A small pocket, in a way, in the hopes that Pyra might not feel so alone while she suffers her feelings--for them. ]
They will. They are quite resilient, you know. And we... we can fuss over them appropriately.
[ Throughout all of this, she doesn't shed any more tears-- she's done enough of that lately, leaving her only mentally weary and lost on how to move forward. "Haunt" is a good word Honerva used earlier, for it is exactly that. This incident will haunt her even as she does move forward...
She leans into the embrace, breathing in slowly, exhaling softly as Honerva comforts her. ]
You've been... "fussing" over Ardyn? How is he doing?
[ The sudden question to Ardyn's well-being gives her pause, since she knows he was very hesitant to share the nature of his condition with others and she did not know how much Pyra knew of him, in that way. She ponders it, gently continuing to try and provide Pyra with some ease of her own. ]
... I believe he is managing, as much as he is able. No regrets as to his actions, of course. He... worries more that he has caused worry, as he is not accustomed to such concern from others.
Of course I am worried, but... what he is dealing with is something that is beyond me.
[ But she catches that in Pyra's tone, so continues to be certain she knows what the worry specifically is for. ]
It is difficult for him to accept such care, or even the notion of it. In future situations he may even try to hide it more. He accepts damage too readily, no matter the source.
[ She wants to say she's sorry again-- sorry that Ardyn had felt the need to hide things from Honerva, even when they are together. It shouldn't be that way. Yet, it is, and perhaps part of it had been because Pyra herself is so secretive on what her abilities are, so he wouldn't have been able to explain it to Honerva properly. Still, the man does hide his pain from loved ones regardless, and that is always something to feel sorry about for another. It's not easy, she knows, to be kept out when one wishes to help and comfort. Even greater still is the guilt of not having known another is suffering.
She's felt that too many times with Noctis. So many times-- too many times-- has she's realizes that he's been hurting for so much and for so long, all without her realizing the extent of it.
And it's not just Noctis that this has happened with, too. It's been Honerva, it's been Lup. It's been Prompto, Nico, Cloud, and others, too.]
I'm... sorry, Honerva. I should have gone to you sooner to tell you what happened.
... It was not all yours to bear. You have been facing a lot, and the resolution has scarce been a few days.
[ And Honerva does not necessarily think she would be a priority to be informed, when she'd already proved dangerous to Pyra. As a friend, though... she remembered how readily Pyra was to handle the presenting of their project on her own, and bear the burden of the responsibility alone. Here, too, it was similar.
But a protective nature and the instinct to be sacrificial was... familiar, and thus far easier to discover in those she was close to, now. Sometimes fronts could hold up too well, when others were at stake. Her embrace remains, secure. ]
Please... you may rest your apologies for the time. [ How much Pyra is hurting, how much she hurts herself, with these, it resonates too much. ] I know... that you feel you cannot say them enough, but I can see how much of a toll you have taken.
[ And so her attempt to speak about Ardyn and Honerva instead for a means to distract fails spectacularly. Pyra finds herself going silent and still in Honerva's embrace, shutting her eyes.
She is no stranger to having loved ones die before her, and she is not a stranger for them dying because of her, either, but it's the latter point that she had sorely wished would never happen once more. Noctis hadn't died, neither had Ardyn. But again: too close, and they had been harmed.
Moving forward... what does it mean to move forward? If she was in her homeworld, she would need to return to the Architect to ensure no one else would be hurt. In this world, she's unable to do that. What now? ]
I worry that it will not be enough. [ She confesses this solemnly. Guilt rips through her insides, and the sound of the seams of herself coming apart are loud like thunder. This hurts, but it is nothing close to what either Noctis or Ardyn might have endured as corrupted lightening tortured them as they fought to keep one alive. ] That in due time, something like this... it's bound to happen again. Not from the fetter, but just from... me.
[ Given the worst that's occurred, given her compromised state and the fact that she could so easily be vulnerable again, it can be immensely difficult to see otherwise when guilt is in the driver's seat. ]
There always is a possibility, for the worst, especially with evidence. Circumstances beyond us all. But you... are not alone here, facing this. What may come next, or not come at all. And you... do not intend to inflict that sort of pain, not willingly.
[ She might have lost Somnus, all those months ago, but even then, she had found Noctis, they had a household here. And while Honerva could easily think of worsts in that sort of situations were more losses to compound, to feel unbalanced or open to a corrupting force--Pyra's situation is not her situation, even if Pyra goes well out of her way to not talk about her personal life beyond here, and perhaps it is far beyond what she might comprehend.
She speaks softly, taking pauses. For Pyra to admit so much, it must have been hard for her, those all-too-real fears. ]
Trust... with that sort of possibility, is even harder. We can only prepare for so much. Hope for for so much, but... that will guide you still. Is that not what you have told me, time and again? The love you carry for others... do you not believe that it is also carried to yourself?
[ When Honerva finishes speaking, she nods in silence.
Hopes is what she needs to retain, and it's hope that augments her selfish desire to say, when she fears that it would be best to distance herself....
It just never seems like enough. The one she loves is hurt by many things-- every month, every month, without pause or break or time for him to catch his breath or regain his bearings, and always with something pushing him back down to crumble... And she never wants to be a part of that pain or an extra source for it, unwittingly or not. If there is some way for her to give him a little happiness, she wants to. Happiness, joy, love and not pain, but it never seems like it's enough, even if she sorely wishes to believe. (And she feels awful for bringing up her upset at the wedding before.) She feels as if she is fighting against a terrible luck or fate that constantly makes him miserable. It must be exhausting for him...
Her expression knots into a wince, and she buckles slightly forward. ] Hope.
Hope is good. I'll follow it to the future. I promise.
[ As for the loved others might carry to herself. Quite suddenly, she's not so sure anymore-- or, no, she's sure they'll say it. But is it right for them to feel such ways, when she hurts them? ]
[ Gently, she gives her a small squeeze, rubbing her back still. ]
... It is okay to need reminders as well. Hope can sometimes feel... far off, in the moment. Especially at times like this, when the reminders all seem dark and so much more dangerous instead.
[ Pyra's way of making promises is solemn, but Honerva also knows how difficult it is, to maintain time and again, especially if something dips too low, the fear that comes and takes hold, but balance, as much of a contentious word it was, was applicable. To taking heart from the lighter moments that almost seem impossible to maintain genuinely, to be dragged down by the latter, and to hope the highs and lows aren't so extreme anymore, to feel that one outweighs the other. ]
[ She need only remind herself that what she's experiencing is nothing so terrible as the pain either Ardyn or Noctis must have endured, to say nothing of Noctis' near-death experience. If she has to overcome this, she needs to be stronger for them, to not show such weakness,.... and, once more, to not have something like this happen again (something she keeps on telling herself, but it keeps on happening). But if those weaknesses occur... --reminders. Yes. There are reminders to be strong for them again. ]
Thank you, Honerva. I feel better. [ She manages a meager, weak smile, but a smile to show that she is trying. ]
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They are recovering, yes, but.... ]
...I'm so sorry, Honerva. I'm so sorry that he was hurt. [ She could hardly face Regis when Noctis almost died in her arms. So focused she had been on Noctis, she hadn't realized she hadn't considered the same with Ardyn and Honerva. Now she's already seated next to her, when it's possible that Ardyn could have suffered far, far worse.
--And. Honerva, too. Architect, she almost took away what made Honerva so happy and hopeful. They're recovering, yes, but isn't what happened too close for comfort? ]
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[ And that is the importance in this, of knowing others and their nature. Pyra has always been kind. If she weren't affected like this it would certainly be far stranger, but her remorse for it was there. Honerva well remembers a time when she could not conceive of such an emotion or the value of it.
And it had hurt, to know there was little she could do to ease Ardyn's pain in the matter, but it was still something he had chosen. His nature... because he gave so little care to himself. That stung too, but that was not Pyra's fault, either. ]
... What matters is that they recover. And you as well. Is this item still a danger?
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[ She hesitates, and then goes on to explain: ] We repaired it by diving into his soul. It's there now, stable.
[ Noctis holds it still, but she worries what toll it might bring him, that he holds something that nearly killed him. He had said that he's used to having near-death experiences-- but is he truly alright? He had said he wanted to live... And she had nearly let him die... which is something he seemed grateful for, in terms of allowing him the choice instead of imposing life on him. Still, it's troubling.
Pyra looks down at her hands, helpless. No matter what she does, it seems that she causes him and others so much pain. ]
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... Stable. I see.
[ Magic in regard to the soul is complicated, she well knows that. And yet, he did live, and by these accounts it had not altered who they were aside from the pain. ]
It is no wonder you have not wanted to go far. You are... still troubled by his state. As though all the care you could give him would not be enough. Those moments must have been so frightening to witness.
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"As though all the care you could give him would not be enough."
Then, nearly silent, she whispers: ] You understand.
[ Being frightened to lose or almost lose someone, seeing someone in pain and trying to help them. Honerva is unique in that she had been in both positions-- the one suffering from a great foreign energy harming her, and as one who would blame herself as well should something terrible happen to one of her loved ones.
She understands, so, Pyra thinks, this is right: it isn't enough, and it is right to take the blame. ]
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... It is familiar. To be so helpless, no matter what power lies at your fingertips. He has prevailed, but that feeling yet remains.
[ She can't tell her not to blame herself, when she would do the same, but she does not blame her. ]
If you wish to speak of it all, or simply... be, I will be here. As before.
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Honerva... you're so kind. Thank you.
[ For the offer, for sitting with her, for holding her hand; more, for working on countless projects with her, for still speaking with her after all the hurt Pyra has caused Honerva, too.
There are just far too many moments where she hurts others, and-- "To be helpless".
She cannot tell Honerva how guilty she feels that she would have let Noctis die out of respect for his autonomy, for it would be confessing that she could have brought him back to life. To someone who would rather tear the universe apart than see her son die, surely a power that Pyra does have at her fingertips to restore the dead to life would be insulting... especially not to use it for a loved one.
She shuts her eyes tightly, and her shoulders shake with an unsteady inhale. ] I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt someone you care for...
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And what is it that she looks for, with these apologies, these admissions? There is more she dares not say, a desperate quiet guilt, that someone might... justify with an admonishment, not absolve so readily. Does she seek forgiveness, or rejection?
Lightly, still holding her hand, she allows her thumb to gently rub the back of Pyra's hand. Actions that others have taken with her that she had come to learn. To give back. Pyra had held her close, when she was stressed. Could she not come to offer the same? ]
... The fact that... it might have been worse. That is what haunts you, is it not?
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No.... No, Honerva... [ She admits, weakly, her voice trembling. ] It should have never happened to begin with.
[ The Fetter-- even her Artifices... Why, why did she keep those intact? It comes down to having a personal connection to them, feelings, emotions-- they are hers, she made them, Ophion is precious. After the war, she should have destroyed Ophion, too, and done away with the Fetter. Instead, she only bid Ophion to hide. Now the Fetter is corrupted which means her Artifice is, too. The Fetter came here, and it hurt not one but two people.
If she hadn't been so attached, this wouldn't have happened. ]
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Should never have happened. But it did, and there were scars and consequences. ]
... It should not have happened, but it has. You could not have known this would happen. That such an object would find itself drawn here. That Noctis would take it upon himself to draw it within. That Ardyn would then act as well. It has... already happened. And they will recover. They would not blame you even if it is what you feel you have earned.
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She's seen too many people perish-- too many, because of her. This had been too close.
Her free hand comes up to her chest, curling around the crystal there; her voice, barely a whisper. ]
He's... They're both. Yes. They're both recovering. You're right. You're right.
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[ With her free hand, she indicates her own shoulder. ]
All the logic in the world can only do so much to dampen that feeling you carry. Rest, just a little while.
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They'll recover. [ She repeats, her voice less tremulous, but her spirit dampened. She feels smaller than she is, weak for taking this comfort that she needs-- guilty that she feels she needs it at all, when there are others who have suffered more. She's not the one who nearly died, and without the Architect, she cannot die. Life remains far too unfair to mortals still, and here she's harmed them more.
They'll recover, she thinks to herself. They'll recover. ]
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When Pyra allows herself to relent, she helps draw her close, not unlike the way that the other had supported her once before, when she had felt weakened, burdened by her own guilt, and self-loathing for it.
She reaches around, creating an embrace, lightly rubbing her back. A small pocket, in a way, in the hopes that Pyra might not feel so alone while she suffers her feelings--for them. ]
They will. They are quite resilient, you know. And we... we can fuss over them appropriately.
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She leans into the embrace, breathing in slowly, exhaling softly as Honerva comforts her. ]
You've been... "fussing" over Ardyn? How is he doing?
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... I believe he is managing, as much as he is able. No regrets as to his actions, of course. He... worries more that he has caused worry, as he is not accustomed to such concern from others.
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[ But she catches that in Pyra's tone, so continues to be certain she knows what the worry specifically is for. ]
It is difficult for him to accept such care, or even the notion of it. In future situations he may even try to hide it more. He accepts damage too readily, no matter the source.
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She's felt that too many times with Noctis. So many times-- too many times-- has she's realizes that he's been hurting for so much and for so long, all without her realizing the extent of it.
And it's not just Noctis that this has happened with, too. It's been Honerva, it's been Lup. It's been Prompto, Nico, Cloud, and others, too.]
I'm... sorry, Honerva. I should have gone to you sooner to tell you what happened.
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[ And Honerva does not necessarily think she would be a priority to be informed, when she'd already proved dangerous to Pyra. As a friend, though... she remembered how readily Pyra was to handle the presenting of their project on her own, and bear the burden of the responsibility alone. Here, too, it was similar.
But a protective nature and the instinct to be sacrificial was... familiar, and thus far easier to discover in those she was close to, now. Sometimes fronts could hold up too well, when others were at stake. Her embrace remains, secure. ]
Please... you may rest your apologies for the time. [ How much Pyra is hurting, how much she hurts herself, with these, it resonates too much. ] I know... that you feel you cannot say them enough, but I can see how much of a toll you have taken.
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She is no stranger to having loved ones die before her, and she is not a stranger for them dying because of her, either, but it's the latter point that she had sorely wished would never happen once more. Noctis hadn't died, neither had Ardyn. But again: too close, and they had been harmed.
Moving forward... what does it mean to move forward? If she was in her homeworld, she would need to return to the Architect to ensure no one else would be hurt. In this world, she's unable to do that. What now? ]
I worry that it will not be enough. [ She confesses this solemnly. Guilt rips through her insides, and the sound of the seams of herself coming apart are loud like thunder. This hurts, but it is nothing close to what either Noctis or Ardyn might have endured as corrupted lightening tortured them as they fought to keep one alive. ] That in due time, something like this... it's bound to happen again. Not from the fetter, but just from... me.
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[ Given the worst that's occurred, given her compromised state and the fact that she could so easily be vulnerable again, it can be immensely difficult to see otherwise when guilt is in the driver's seat. ]
There always is a possibility, for the worst, especially with evidence. Circumstances beyond us all. But you... are not alone here, facing this. What may come next, or not come at all. And you... do not intend to inflict that sort of pain, not willingly.
[ She might have lost Somnus, all those months ago, but even then, she had found Noctis, they had a household here. And while Honerva could easily think of worsts in that sort of situations were more losses to compound, to feel unbalanced or open to a corrupting force--Pyra's situation is not her situation, even if Pyra goes well out of her way to not talk about her personal life beyond here, and perhaps it is far beyond what she might comprehend.
She speaks softly, taking pauses. For Pyra to admit so much, it must have been hard for her, those all-too-real fears. ]
Trust... with that sort of possibility, is even harder. We can only prepare for so much. Hope for for so much, but... that will guide you still. Is that not what you have told me, time and again? The love you carry for others... do you not believe that it is also carried to yourself?
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Hopes is what she needs to retain, and it's hope that augments her selfish desire to say, when she fears that it would be best to distance herself....
It just never seems like enough. The one she loves is hurt by many things-- every month, every month, without pause or break or time for him to catch his breath or regain his bearings, and always with something pushing him back down to crumble... And she never wants to be a part of that pain or an extra source for it, unwittingly or not. If there is some way for her to give him a little happiness, she wants to. Happiness, joy, love and not pain, but it never seems like it's enough, even if she sorely wishes to believe. (And she feels awful for bringing up her upset at the wedding before.) She feels as if she is fighting against a terrible luck or fate that constantly makes him miserable. It must be exhausting for him...
Her expression knots into a wince, and she buckles slightly forward. ] Hope.
Hope is good. I'll follow it to the future. I promise.
[ As for the loved others might carry to herself. Quite suddenly, she's not so sure anymore-- or, no, she's sure they'll say it. But is it right for them to feel such ways, when she hurts them? ]
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... It is okay to need reminders as well. Hope can sometimes feel... far off, in the moment. Especially at times like this, when the reminders all seem dark and so much more dangerous instead.
[ Pyra's way of making promises is solemn, but Honerva also knows how difficult it is, to maintain time and again, especially if something dips too low, the fear that comes and takes hold, but balance, as much of a contentious word it was, was applicable. To taking heart from the lighter moments that almost seem impossible to maintain genuinely, to be dragged down by the latter, and to hope the highs and lows aren't so extreme anymore, to feel that one outweighs the other. ]
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Thank you, Honerva. I feel better. [ She manages a meager, weak smile, but a smile to show that she is trying. ]
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