Era, no, I'm sorry, I'm only worried about him. I know that you do not trust me, but does that entail assuming the worst of all of my intentions and what I say?
I am glad to read that you are improving yourself for yourself, then.
After some consideration I can say with complete confidence that my assumption did not stem from any bias toward you. Even without identifying details or context that was the most logical conclusion to draw.
Regardless, I apologize for misunderstanding your intent. It was not meant as a slight against you.
I removed the pronouns and context of your message and asked a trusted, unbiased companion what they thought the intent of the message was. I then asked Ardbert and Solus. I asked all three of them separately, and all three came to the same assumption of intent.
I wanted to be certain my bias toward you played no role in my interpretation, and I am very certain.
No, you are not a threat to me. But you can tell Tony Stark to take the assumptions he has made about me in bad faith and shove them up his fucking ass instead of spreading them around like a venerial disease.
The question did not bother me. The statements that came before it did. And, as I have said, I apologize for my assumption. It was not a reflection upon you, but more likely a reflection upon the world I come from.
Do you understand the concept of therapy, Pyra?
I now suspect that he is taking the information I told him in confidence, seeking his advice and input, and using it against me.
I told him of our relationship, and what happened at the wedding. He told me that we are sisters-in-law, which I rejected. He decided I was refusing to take accountability for my cruel behaviour and needed to apologize. I refused, because I couldn't think of a way to give you a genuine apology, and anything less than genuine is unacceptable.
I tried to explain my actions and reasonings for them throughout the time we have known each other. He was not willing to listen. He made it clear he already preferred you to me from the moment your name was brought up.
I already knew I have been treating you unfairly. I had sought reassurance that when I had still tried to form a bond with you that I had put in reasonable effort. That I was not solely to blame for the way things are, because such things are meant to be give and take. There was an imbalance between us, and I did not know how to fix it.
I wanted to receive what I had hoped would be unbiased feedback that I might be able to re-analyze our past interactions and perhaps find a way to return to a politely distant coexistence that wasn't merely 'apologize'. Unfortunately, once he knew who I was speaking about he shifted from telling me I should apologize, to making it clear I am a horrible, abusive person.
Even when I have not had glowing praises for him, and even when I kept his anonymity, I did my best to make sure he would not be thought of badly. That he has tried his best to help. That he was a good person.
So too, when speaking of you, did I try to make it clear I was not throwing the blame on you. I told him it is not your fault. You and I simply have an inherent incompatibility.
I am ill and trying to heal. He offered to help me with my illness. I thought he would. I trusted him and instead he has used it against me.
The most ridiculous part is that it wasn't my intent to speak to him about us. I had another, more pressing concern that I decided against telling him as he is a father and I did not want to upset him.
So no, I will not tell him myself. I will not speak to him of anything ever again, as it is clear that I was a godsdamned idiot for doing so in the first place.
Then, I truly wish you the best in changing such an unhealthy way of thinking, at least in this world. What I write is of concern for him. I do not mean to harm you.
I did not ask about Tony Stark. I understand if you're coming from a place of infuriation, but if you do not trust me, why are you telling me this?
I am telling you these things because not trusting you does not mean I will withhold information that I believe is important for you to have. You have clearly spoken with him since I asked his input regarding us, and I would bet my life that he spoke to you of me.
I will preface this by saying I truly do not think he is a bad person. I believe there is a good man in him that I have not been privileged with meeting.
However, my experience thus far has been him consistently taking everything I say or do and twisting it into something awful. He only heard what he wanted to hear, and has used it all to paint me as a sick, horrible person. I have no doubt that if he's said such things about me to my face, that he's said things about me behind my back.
Again, I do not think he is a bad person. I think he truly believes he is helping. I just don't believe he was ever truly helping me. To him I am some crazy, stuck-up bitch who vilifies sweet, helpless little girls. To him, I am a monster he needs to protect others from.
Fine. I can accept this.
I had just hoped to find a way to make things work between us that was fair.
Whatever your relationship with him, please do not let my words impact it negatively. I don't want that at all. If he is good to you, I'm glad. You are a better person than me. I know you must be good for him, and he deserves good things to help him heal.
What I believe you are is all you saw fit to show me, whatever that may be. I will not apologize for that. I will also not apologize for sharing with you what I said to Tony Stark. Use the information in whatever way you see fit. I don't care.
If you find a way to remove me from Noctis' life without causing him harm I will not stop you. Likewise, if you wish to cause me harm in recompense, you need only arrange a meeting for it.
Otherwise I have apologized to you enough, and will accept that the blame for everything falls upon my shoulders alone.
I deserve it, for hurting him. I had just wanted to keep him safe.
You haven't hurt me. You remind me of things that hurt me in the past, but it is no fault of yours. I am hoping to resolve this soon.
I apologize for my outburst. Things have been stressful as of late, and I had not expected to feel so betrayed. It caught me by surprise and I reacted inappropriately.
However this decision is selfish, as it is about my desire to keep him safe and does not take into account what he may want. My fears should not outweigh his agency, no matter how well founded they may be.
I am aware. Fortunately the unpleasant memories only contribute to my distrust, not the rest.
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I have promised him I will not repeat the same mistake. I will not promise I will never make another, as that is impossible.
I am not changing for Noctis. I am improving myself for me.
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I am glad to read that you are improving yourself for yourself, then.
~30 mins later
Regardless, I apologize for misunderstanding your intent. It was not meant as a slight against you.
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I wanted to be certain my bias toward you played no role in my interpretation, and I am very certain.
No, you are not a threat to me. But you can tell Tony Stark to take the assumptions he has made about me in bad faith and shove them up his fucking ass instead of spreading them around like a venerial disease.
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You may speak with Tony yourself.
no subject
Do you understand the concept of therapy, Pyra?
I now suspect that he is taking the information I told him in confidence, seeking his advice and input, and using it against me.
I told him of our relationship, and what happened at the wedding. He told me that we are sisters-in-law, which I rejected. He decided I was refusing to take accountability for my cruel behaviour and needed to apologize. I refused, because I couldn't think of a way to give you a genuine apology, and anything less than genuine is unacceptable.
I tried to explain my actions and reasonings for them throughout the time we have known each other. He was not willing to listen. He made it clear he already preferred you to me from the moment your name was brought up.
I already knew I have been treating you unfairly. I had sought reassurance that when I had still tried to form a bond with you that I had put in reasonable effort. That I was not solely to blame for the way things are, because such things are meant to be give and take. There was an imbalance between us, and I did not know how to fix it.
I wanted to receive what I had hoped would be unbiased feedback that I might be able to re-analyze our past interactions and perhaps find a way to return to a politely distant coexistence that wasn't merely 'apologize'. Unfortunately, once he knew who I was speaking about he shifted from telling me I should apologize, to making it clear I am a horrible, abusive person.
Even when I have not had glowing praises for him, and even when I kept his anonymity, I did my best to make sure he would not be thought of badly. That he has tried his best to help. That he was a good person.
So too, when speaking of you, did I try to make it clear I was not throwing the blame on you. I told him it is not your fault. You and I simply have an inherent incompatibility.
I am ill and trying to heal. He offered to help me with my illness. I thought he would. I trusted him and instead he has used it against me.
The most ridiculous part is that it wasn't my intent to speak to him about us. I had another, more pressing concern that I decided against telling him as he is a father and I did not want to upset him.
So no, I will not tell him myself. I will not speak to him of anything ever again, as it is clear that I was a godsdamned idiot for doing so in the first place.
My apologies for ranting.
I am infuriated at the moment.
It is, of course, not your fault.
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I did not ask about Tony Stark. I understand if you're coming from a place of infuriation, but if you do not trust me, why are you telling me this?
no subject
I will preface this by saying I truly do not think he is a bad person. I believe there is a good man in him that I have not been privileged with meeting.
However, my experience thus far has been him consistently taking everything I say or do and twisting it into something awful. He only heard what he wanted to hear, and has used it all to paint me as a sick, horrible person. I have no doubt that if he's said such things about me to my face, that he's said things about me behind my back.
Again, I do not think he is a bad person. I think he truly believes he is helping. I just don't believe he was ever truly helping me. To him I am some crazy, stuck-up bitch who vilifies sweet, helpless little girls. To him, I am a monster he needs to protect others from.
Fine. I can accept this.
I had just hoped to find a way to make things work between us that was fair.
Whatever your relationship with him, please do not let my words impact it negatively. I don't want that at all. If he is good to you, I'm glad. You are a better person than me. I know you must be good for him, and he deserves good things to help him heal.
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I see you still believe me to be a helpless child.
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If you find a way to remove me from Noctis' life without causing him harm I will not stop you. Likewise, if you wish to cause me harm in recompense, you need only arrange a meeting for it.
Otherwise I have apologized to you enough, and will accept that the blame for everything falls upon my shoulders alone.
no subject
Or, tell me how I have hurt you!
~40 mins later
You haven't hurt me. You remind me of things that hurt me in the past, but it is no fault of yours. I am hoping to resolve this soon.
I apologize for my outburst. Things have been stressful as of late, and I had not expected to feel so betrayed. It caught me by surprise and I reacted inappropriately.
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I am not those things. You are projecting on me.
You need to speak with someone who you trust.
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However this decision is selfish, as it is about my desire to keep him safe and does not take into account what he may want. My fears should not outweigh his agency, no matter how well founded they may be.
I am aware. Fortunately the unpleasant memories only contribute to my distrust, not the rest.
I will figure it out, thank you.
no subject