[ As he reads the conversation, her head lowers as she casts her gaze down to the free hand in her lap. She smooths out her shorts, idle but anxious, awaiting what he has to say.
Slowly, she nods.
It wasn't so much as what she talked about Tony, but simply trampling over Pyra's requests for her to stop. And while she ranted, she continue to impose and insult her.
But rather than relax, it causes her some tension to finally confess as to how badly she's being treated-- or some proof of it. The other times, he had only seen the aftermath. It does effect her, more than she'd like to admit, and it feels as if she had to keep most of how she feels to herself, all because of his relationship with her-- for his sake, after seeing how badly he reacted. ]
I did try. [ She insists again, only more quietly this time. ]
Yeah... you had the right idea, but maybe not the right words.
[His fingers scan through the exchange again, over her words. Like himself, her replies had been shorter, to the point, bothered by the direction the conversation had taken. Meanwhile Era had been full to bursting with words, desperate to share with someone she didn't even like. To him, it didn't make sense after everything she'd criticized with regards to Pyra and how they interacted.]
Maybe you have to say it. Be more clear about what you want, or what you need to have a fair conversation, otherwise it's way too easy to just steamroll right over you. [He turns the communicator towards her.] You asked her why, and you asked her to take it to Stark instead. You never said "stop".
[He watches her for a moment, worried, then sets the communicator aside and reaches over to cup her face, urging her to look at him.]
Hey. Remember what you told me? If an apology makes you feel worse, then it isn't an apology. [His thumbs brush over her cheeks, his expression a wavering balance between gentle and firm.] You don't have to talk to her if it makes you feel like this. You can walk away.
[Their apologies - and their circumstances - were different, weren't they? She's under no obligation to accept Era's flaws, any more than he'd want to force Era to do the same. That had been part of their last conversation, before the fight in Valeo. He'd told her this needed to stop. Your traumas aren't compatible. Pyra shouldn't have to put up with it, they're not family by choice or blood. They're not even friends. She can walk away.
By her expression, though, and her reaction to what he'd said... he'd taken the wrong path somewhere, and he's not sure how to adjust his course. The apology hadn't seemed so terrible, but everything that followed made it lose sincerity. It's a good idea to set boundaries, isn't it? Or...]
[ She's asking for his opinion, not that it might change what she will do, but because nothing about accepting this feels right. I tried, she told him, and he's reinforcing that she had not done enough. Reinforcements to be assertive are good, but if he had tried, she would have celebrated him, not focused on his failings. He wouldn't have been the one to blame.
She begins to think, then, that perhaps he doesn't know better. This is just the life he's been living, to focus on one's own weaknesses and not acknowledge how another had done the wronging. Pyra continues to say that she wants him to feel as if he can have better, but this...
She feels miserable. And she'd never wish for him to feel this way. She'd want him to know that he did well, that it's not his fault someone else took advantage of his unassertiveness, to insult him where he stands. Between the insults, the ranting, the guilt-tripping, the asking-for-harm, she sees red flags.
He'd be able to make his own decision, but this is not something she would recommend anyone should accept for their own health, and certainly not a loved one; and now, she's wondering if he can see it, too. Is this the sort of 'apology' Era gave Noctis, and he cannot see the signs? Does he not see how she treats others? ]
Something like this... [ She begins slowly, condensing her thoughts. Ultimately, she believes, it does have to do with Noctis, because this may very well be how he treats himself or expects others to treat him, and this is for what he settles.
She can take this, she tells herself. It's been centuries, but she can take his. However, for him? ] Please, Noct, please tell me this isn't something you'd be okay with for yourself. Had our positions be reversed... mm, you can make your own choice, but I'd let you know-- I wouldn't be satisfied for you.
[ In fact, she'd be angered that someone had mistreated him so. ]
[He sits frozen for a long moment as she speaks, listening carefully, allowing those words to sink in through the cloud of confusion that lay between what he'd meant and what she's feeling. Satisfied? No, of course not. What Pyra had had to endure is terrible and uncalled for. It isn't acceptable under any circumstances. To get scolded and ranted at in the middle of an attempted apology, lectured, dismissed further, as if nothing at all has changed...]
I wouldn't... I wouldn't be okay with it.
[The words come slowly, as if he's hesitant to commit to them, lest he say something wrong again. He wouldn't accept them as okay, he wouldn't be satisfied by them. He'd probably listen, as Pyra had done, but that isn't the same. It's different for him, he's-
-his breath catches then, a bit of understanding dawning in his expression. It's different for him, in his mind, but he's not trying to tackle the problem for her. He's telling her to do what he does. He wants her to defend herself or back off if he's not there. He'd wanted to help her with that because...
"I don't trust her with it."
...because... this apology, this behaviour, came after the better one he'd received from Era, when she said she'd gotten help. Three days. She'd lasted three days of failed therapy and given up on help from an outside source, taken that anger out on Pyra with little provocation. And he doesn't trust Era to listen and respond accordingly so the burden is on Pyra to protect herself, like it is on him.
It's wrong. It's wrong, and he'd-]
Shit, [he curses softly and looks at Pyra with wide eyes, stricken as realization rushes through him like a tidal wave.] Pyra- Pyra, I'm sorry. I- can I start over?
[ She takes it to heart, his soft curse, his stricken expression, his apology as if he's done something wrong-- and she squeezes his hand. She doesn't see this as if he had intended to do wrong. He's a product of his own circumstances, and this is how he knows how to comfort and help, and what has helped him in the past (and to this day). Given the life he's led, he doesn't focus on how another mistreats him, but he blames himself; she's seen it so much already. He's extended that to this case, how she had been mistreated- but she didn't do enough to defend.
She normally wouldn't advocate for herself, but if she wants to work on this habit of crippling self-blame with him together, she has to be stronger than she is now for him. She has to think of what she'd say and wish for him in reverse circumstances and not be a hypocrite. That's the hardest part, because she does still wish for his support in her vulnerable moments, if necessary.... just. Not in ways that insidiously reinforce his own ways of assigning self-blame. His upbringing as the Chosen, not the Chooser, is deep, and the pressure of the Prophecy is real; untangling that all is going to be a difficult, long process.
It's hard, too, to keep herself together, when the instinct to blame herself is also so strongly there and choking her, when it feels like she's at fault for being injured by her own shortcomings in not being firmer,...but she knows she has to be strong.
Through these thoughts, Pyra scoots closer to him, turning that hand-hold into a link of her arm through his, giving a half-hug as she looks up at him. ]
Noct, I know what you're saying. It's okay. But...one more time? Try it? But be kinder to yourself, too.
[Okay... okay, he's got another chance at this. Whether he thinks he's earned it or not (and he does not), he'll take it gratefully. He just has to manage not to screw it up this time.
...No pressure.
He looks down at the communicator again, pursing his lips in a tight crease. Be kinder to himself... as in, don't just accept it as things are, don't blame himself, don't fall into the pit of believing that it's only his behaviour that can change or that this is the way things are and always will be. Because... if he believes that for himself, then he's believing it for Pyra, too. Originally, he'd thought that the rules were different for them both, that he can accept it, but she shouldn't have to. But that's not right. It isn't fair. And this isn't how he should approach this sort of thing. And in practice he'd failed to pull that off anyway.
His fingers curl more tightly, and he takes a deep breath.]
What she did... what she said. She shouldn't have done that. You don't deserve it, and I've just been giving excuses for it. I didn't want to say she was wrong. I... sometimes I can't.
[It's difficult for him. He hates to admit how challenging it is, to point at the behaviour of someone he cares about and go that's wrong, because it hurts me. It used to be easier to do when they were hurting someone else. Now... now, it's harder regardless. The crystal made everything harder.
...But he can only use that excuse for so many things before it rings too hollow. What happened in the crystal might be the source, but he's still the one who has to corral those thoughts and turn them into something less harmful to those around him- and himself.]
You did try. You tried a few times, and she wasn't listening to you. That's not your fault. I want you to keep trying, I want you to be strong and stand up for yourself because you deserve better, but even if you never did, that wouldn't make this okay. It's- it's wrong for her to assume the worst and act like it's some kind of moral high ground. She can't throw all this info at you when you never asked for it, and then be angry that you don't do the same, or just lie down and take it. [He looks up, meeting her gaze worriedly.] I'm proud of you for trying... and I'm sorry it's taking me so long to get there.
[ As he speaks, she continues to keep her arm around his, and it's both his words and the comfort his presence offers that help her stay upright instead of breaking down. No one is so strong as to combat each and every doubt alone, and finally feeling acknowledged gives her some closure and... relief. She spoke up, about how she was hurt, and she doesn't think he's saying this just to appease her. He's saying the same things, just-- without the connotation of blame. Just such simple words on his part go a long way.
And Architect, does she want to be there just the same in return for him-- and she has, in the past, when he had blamed himself for not putting on the Ring sooner, for Prompto, for Luna's death, for Ignis' scars, and much, much more. But she knows that this won't be the last of it, for either of them. ]
Th-...Thank you. [ She manages to say, in haling with a small, steadying breath. ] I feel a little better already...
[ There's something very validating about it. ] ...To not feel as to be blamed... or be at fault, for doing what one can. [ And more importantly, allowing oneself to feel that way, at least for now. ] If we can help it, we don't want you to feel that way, either.
[The relief he feels is palpable when she answers. It's not complete absolution- this is a lesson, one he sorely needed. To do better next time, to be more attentive to what he's saying and how he's handling a particular problem. For her, and for him. They're a team, and he ought to be tackling these issues as a team. He can't just do what he's always done and act like it's good enough. It shouldn't be good enough. His desire to protect her should make him stronger, it shouldn't make him drag her down to his level of excusing and pretending this is acceptable.
Gently he tugs her in, giving her a proper hug, squeezing her tight and resting his head on her hair.]
It sucks, [he mumbles.] Feeling like this sucks. I don't want you to accept it. You don't deserve it, and... you're right, I don't, either. We're allowed to ask not to be hurt. And we don't have to accept the blame when asking doesn't change anything.
[ He'll find her returning the embrace from the side, tightly at first, a small shudder passing through her shoulders, then resting comfortably against him.
It's true, she feels a little better already... and stronger for it, too, more than if she'd have handled this alone. (But who is she kidding, she wouldn't have come this far, been supported this far, without him.) ]
I... Me, too. [ She closes her eyes, leaning her head against him. ] I love you, and, because of that... I want better for you, too.
[ Both in what the world gives him, how others treat him, and how he treats himself, the latter of which-- is the hardest to tackle. And to be loved by him, means-- "We're allowed to ask not to be hurt. "-- he wants better for her too. Like she wants him to want better for himself, or accept that idea, he wants the same. What are they but two people who want to help each other and give the other grace and comfort and safety.
Perhaps... She had been a fool for waiting this long to speak to him about she felt. Or perhaps this conversation had come just at the right time. On this debate, she's not sure-- but she's glad to have shared what she felt with him, in a safe way where it felt as if she was being listened to. He's told her she's good at listening, but he is, too. ]
Let's have that, in this world, okay?
[ She gives him another hug, her hand rubbing over his shoulder, wanting to give some encouragement back. There's no doubt in her mind that his battle is far more of an uphill than her own, and for that... she'll give him as much support as she can. But will it be enough? ]
[He takes those signs that he did right by her this time, and he relaxes into her embrace, nodding against her shoulder and resting quietly like that for a little while. It's strange, but he actually does feel better, now that it's out there. There'd been something fundamentally missing from where they'd started, and he's glad they managed to get here somehow. And Pyra's happier to have had the support she deserves, he can tell by the way she holds him. Nothing was truly resolved, the conflict still exists, for both of them. Still, he feels more... satisfied.
Huh.]
Pyra, um...
[He draws back a bit, looking more calm but still somewhat uneased.]
Era talked about therapy. And she's confirmed it was Stark who was supposed to be helping her. ["Helping", in the biggest of fake quotation marks ever.] She told me she wasn't going anymore, but she sent me some stuff she was gonna self-study with, in case it helped me. I... it was kind of a lot. [He's done heavy reading before, but not like this.] And if it's the method they're using... [They're not going great so far.] ...Can I get your opinion on it?
[The methodology feels clumsy to him. There are references and through lines to things he has no pathway to comprehending, no expertise to parse the information. He's certain she's more knowledgeable than him overall, so maybe she can get something out of it that he can't.
He's... also pretty sure that self-therapy doesn't work. It's hard not to be skeptical of this.]
[ She has thoughts about non-professionals passing off therapy or practicing on themselves or others without oversight or clinical practice. More importantly... That aside, how she's supporting him clearly it isn't enough, yet that's not something to take personally. That he's considering therapy in general at all is quite the step, and she's proud of him for it.
Pyra lifts up her head, looking at him while giving him a small nudge with her elbow. ] Mm, sure. But first...
[ He'll receive a light kiss upon his cheek, harmonized with a squeeze of her hand in his, and a smile as she looks at him. ] I'm glad you're considering it.
Yeah... thanks. [His response is a noncommittal mumble, but it does come with a tiny smile.] Probably overdue.
[Better late than never... it isn't something he'd felt like he was allowed to do before, but at this point, what even does he have to lose?
He has some thoughts on that idea of self-therapy himself as well, which is why he's questioning it now. When she gives her assent, he gets his communicator and loads up one of the resources he'd been sent, passing it over to let her peruse as she pleases. He's not sure whether to read over her shoulder or let her explore the text in peace, so he shifts uncomfortably between the two, remaining close.]
[ Pyra takes his communicator and begins to read over the files, scrolling down slowly through the text. Sensing his discomfort, she keeps herself in contact with him, her arm still linked with his, and her shoulder against his upper arm, sharing her warmth. Sometimes she glances at him to check his expression, other times she squeezes his hand. When he seems particularly uneasy, should he be reading over the same text, she gives him a small nudge. When it seems he’s calmer, she offers a smile.
However by the end of the text, her expression is far more concerned. Turning the communicator off, she places it face down upon the porch and sighs, appearing troubled. ]
This cognitive restructuring therapy... It seems [ She struggles for a moment. ] stressful. Or, um, harsh.
[ If he brought it to her, she’s guessing that he may have concerns and doubts about it in the first place. She looks at him, her expression open. ] I'm not an expert, but... Maybe that's just what we must acknowledge. You deserve professional, holistic therapy.
[At least, that's how it felt to him, as he perused the steps. Questions on questions on questions- like every thought has to be hyper-analyzed and broken down to its core motivation to make sure it's the right one. He's not analytical that way, such thoughts don't come to him naturally. Like a... series of second-guessing, that could make one think that every instinct is wrong. He's not sure he likes it. He knows he doesn't like the idea of trying to do it alone.
Maybe it is time.]
An expert... I didn't think of it as something I deserved or not. But you don't deserve to carry the burden of "fixing" me, either.
[ Pyra’s brow lowers. Calling himself as needing to be fixed, after all the times she’s said he’s perfect to her... It feels like a shaded version of how he perceives himself to be inadequate. ]
I don’t think you’re “broken” or a burden, Noct... But I— I have seen you suffer. [ And sometimes, it does feel helpless as she watches or holds him, knowing that even if she does comfort him and he calms, it will inevitably happen again. She isn’t enough, and admitting that, too, is to acknowledge that he can be helped by someone who is better equipped to guide him through his hardships, with the training and clinical expertise she doesn’t have. ]
And I don't want that anymore for you, and if this will help-- When you find a therapist you like, let's walk together to them, okay? [ Undoubtedly, she'll be waiting for him afterwards in order to give him a hug. ]
Ah- no, I didn't... [He shifts a bit, uncomfortable about bringing it up again, but wanting to be honest and not give her the wrong idea.] That's just... what Era said. The "fixing" thing, about herself. It didn't sit right with me either.
[He's a mess, he knows that much, but he doesn't want to lean on the idea that he's broken in some way. And he doesn't see how that's a healthy way for her to think of herself either. One more thing that bothered him about their conversation and her method of treating her own issues. He doesn't want that for himself, he doesn't want to think of this as "fixing" himself. You don't fix people. You fix tools, you fix weapons. Whatever she might claim, they aren't either.
He slips his hand down between them to find hers again now that it's free, winding their fingers together.]
I'd like it... if you came with me. You don't have to stay or anything, just- [He glances down.] Get me through the door, I guess.
[It wouldn't be the first time he'd be tempted to run away from something just to pretend he's stronger than he is.]
[ At his first comment, she frowns briefly, but by the end she smiles again.
Her fingers interlace with his, giving them a squeeze. ]
Walk with you to your first appointment? [ She'd like nothing more than to support him, and she'd never find it a burden, whether that means sitting in on a session with him or letting him have a session private. She'll walk with him every time. ] It'd be an honor.
[ To frame this as a good thing, a wonderful step, something that she's proud of him for doing-- she'd rather encourage that in attempt to assuage any lingering feelings of doubt or shame or weakness. ]
[His shoulders slump in relief, and he leans against her, letting her presence set him at ease as he's quiet for a little while. He hadn't expected a negative answer - especially since she'd offered to begin with - but it's still a relief to hear it said anyway. Perhaps his certainty in her answer is something he'll need to think about, or keep in mind to avoid taking advantage of it, but for now, he hopes that this comfort he's feeling is a mutual one.
Speaking of, though...]
...If you'll be there anyway... maybe there'd be someone to help you, too.
Well... um... I think today kinda demonstrated that I'm not the best at helping with this sort of thing. Not every part of it, anyway.
[He made a monumental screw-up and only barely caught his mistake. It's one thing to try and make sure she doesn't accidentally take the blame for something that wasn't her fault, but it's another thing to give her the tools to push back on her own terms, and that's clearly something he'd fumbled to encourage. She shouldn't have to tell him to reassure her properly.]
I- you think it's a good idea for me, right? To not just rely on you comforting me all the time, but to get help from someone who actually knows what they're doing with this? [He makes a vague, spinning gesture towards his head.]
[ She considers his suggestion for a moment. Whatever her thoughts might be, ultimately she smiles at him and nods. ]
Well... It can't hurt, can it?
[ She's not exactly sure how it would help her, but if he suggests that it might, perhaps he sees something which she cannot. And, as she's said before, that's another quality she likes about him, how he's insightful.
She reaches up with her free hand, taking his that made the spinning motion to indicate his head. Drawing his hand to her lips, she kisses the backs of his fingers. ] But... you know I don't mind it, mm? When you do come to me.
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no subject
Slowly, she nods.
It wasn't so much as what she talked about Tony, but simply trampling over Pyra's requests for her to stop. And while she ranted, she continue to impose and insult her.
But rather than relax, it causes her some tension to finally confess as to how badly she's being treated-- or some proof of it. The other times, he had only seen the aftermath. It does effect her, more than she'd like to admit, and it feels as if she had to keep most of how she feels to herself, all because of his relationship with her-- for his sake, after seeing how badly he reacted. ]
I did try. [ She insists again, only more quietly this time. ]
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[His fingers scan through the exchange again, over her words. Like himself, her replies had been shorter, to the point, bothered by the direction the conversation had taken. Meanwhile Era had been full to bursting with words, desperate to share with someone she didn't even like. To him, it didn't make sense after everything she'd criticized with regards to Pyra and how they interacted.]
Maybe you have to say it. Be more clear about what you want, or what you need to have a fair conversation, otherwise it's way too easy to just steamroll right over you. [He turns the communicator towards her.] You asked her why, and you asked her to take it to Stark instead. You never said "stop".
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I see. Thank you.
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Hey. Remember what you told me? If an apology makes you feel worse, then it isn't an apology. [His thumbs brush over her cheeks, his expression a wavering balance between gentle and firm.] You don't have to talk to her if it makes you feel like this. You can walk away.
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Would you accept it?
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This isn't about me...
[Their apologies - and their circumstances - were different, weren't they? She's under no obligation to accept Era's flaws, any more than he'd want to force Era to do the same. That had been part of their last conversation, before the fight in Valeo. He'd told her this needed to stop. Your traumas aren't compatible. Pyra shouldn't have to put up with it, they're not family by choice or blood. They're not even friends. She can walk away.
By her expression, though, and her reaction to what he'd said... he'd taken the wrong path somewhere, and he's not sure how to adjust his course. The apology hadn't seemed so terrible, but everything that followed made it lose sincerity. It's a good idea to set boundaries, isn't it? Or...]
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She begins to think, then, that perhaps he doesn't know better. This is just the life he's been living, to focus on one's own weaknesses and not acknowledge how another had done the wronging. Pyra continues to say that she wants him to feel as if he can have better, but this...
She feels miserable. And she'd never wish for him to feel this way. She'd want him to know that he did well, that it's not his fault someone else took advantage of his unassertiveness, to insult him where he stands. Between the insults, the ranting, the guilt-tripping, the asking-for-harm, she sees red flags.
He'd be able to make his own decision, but this is not something she would recommend anyone should accept for their own health, and certainly not a loved one; and now, she's wondering if he can see it, too. Is this the sort of 'apology' Era gave Noctis, and he cannot see the signs? Does he not see how she treats others? ]
Something like this... [ She begins slowly, condensing her thoughts. Ultimately, she believes, it does have to do with Noctis, because this may very well be how he treats himself or expects others to treat him, and this is for what he settles.
She can take this, she tells herself. It's been centuries, but she can take his. However, for him? ] Please, Noct, please tell me this isn't something you'd be okay with for yourself. Had our positions be reversed... mm, you can make your own choice, but I'd let you know-- I wouldn't be satisfied for you.
[ In fact, she'd be angered that someone had mistreated him so. ]
no subject
I wouldn't... I wouldn't be okay with it.
[The words come slowly, as if he's hesitant to commit to them, lest he say something wrong again. He wouldn't accept them as okay, he wouldn't be satisfied by them. He'd probably listen, as Pyra had done, but that isn't the same. It's different for him, he's-
-his breath catches then, a bit of understanding dawning in his expression. It's different for him, in his mind, but he's not trying to tackle the problem for her. He's telling her to do what he does. He wants her to defend herself or back off if he's not there. He'd wanted to help her with that because...
"I don't trust her with it."
...because... this apology, this behaviour, came after the better one he'd received from Era, when she said she'd gotten help. Three days. She'd lasted three days of failed therapy and given up on help from an outside source, taken that anger out on Pyra with little provocation. And he doesn't trust Era to listen and respond accordingly so the burden is on Pyra to protect herself, like it is on him.
It's wrong. It's wrong, and he'd-]
Shit, [he curses softly and looks at Pyra with wide eyes, stricken as realization rushes through him like a tidal wave.] Pyra- Pyra, I'm sorry. I- can I start over?
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She normally wouldn't advocate for herself, but if she wants to work on this habit of crippling self-blame with him together, she has to be stronger than she is now for him. She has to think of what she'd say and wish for him in reverse circumstances and not be a hypocrite. That's the hardest part, because she does still wish for his support in her vulnerable moments, if necessary.... just. Not in ways that insidiously reinforce his own ways of assigning self-blame. His upbringing as the Chosen, not the Chooser, is deep, and the pressure of the Prophecy is real; untangling that all is going to be a difficult, long process.
It's hard, too, to keep herself together, when the instinct to blame herself is also so strongly there and choking her, when it feels like she's at fault for being injured by her own shortcomings in not being firmer,...but she knows she has to be strong.
Through these thoughts, Pyra scoots closer to him, turning that hand-hold into a link of her arm through his, giving a half-hug as she looks up at him. ]
Noct, I know what you're saying. It's okay. But...one more time? Try it? But be kinder to yourself, too.
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...No pressure.
He looks down at the communicator again, pursing his lips in a tight crease. Be kinder to himself... as in, don't just accept it as things are, don't blame himself, don't fall into the pit of believing that it's only his behaviour that can change or that this is the way things are and always will be. Because... if he believes that for himself, then he's believing it for Pyra, too. Originally, he'd thought that the rules were different for them both, that he can accept it, but she shouldn't have to. But that's not right. It isn't fair. And this isn't how he should approach this sort of thing. And in practice he'd failed to pull that off anyway.
His fingers curl more tightly, and he takes a deep breath.]
What she did... what she said. She shouldn't have done that. You don't deserve it, and I've just been giving excuses for it. I didn't want to say she was wrong. I... sometimes I can't.
[It's difficult for him. He hates to admit how challenging it is, to point at the behaviour of someone he cares about and go that's wrong, because it hurts me. It used to be easier to do when they were hurting someone else. Now... now, it's harder regardless. The crystal made everything harder.
...But he can only use that excuse for so many things before it rings too hollow. What happened in the crystal might be the source, but he's still the one who has to corral those thoughts and turn them into something less harmful to those around him- and himself.]
You did try. You tried a few times, and she wasn't listening to you. That's not your fault. I want you to keep trying, I want you to be strong and stand up for yourself because you deserve better, but even if you never did, that wouldn't make this okay. It's- it's wrong for her to assume the worst and act like it's some kind of moral high ground. She can't throw all this info at you when you never asked for it, and then be angry that you don't do the same, or just lie down and take it. [He looks up, meeting her gaze worriedly.] I'm proud of you for trying... and I'm sorry it's taking me so long to get there.
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And Architect, does she want to be there just the same in return for him-- and she has, in the past, when he had blamed himself for not putting on the Ring sooner, for Prompto, for Luna's death, for Ignis' scars, and much, much more. But she knows that this won't be the last of it, for either of them. ]
Th-...Thank you. [ She manages to say, in haling with a small, steadying breath. ] I feel a little better already...
[ There's something very validating about it. ] ...To not feel as to be blamed... or be at fault, for doing what one can. [ And more importantly, allowing oneself to feel that way, at least for now. ] If we can help it, we don't want you to feel that way, either.
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Gently he tugs her in, giving her a proper hug, squeezing her tight and resting his head on her hair.]
It sucks, [he mumbles.] Feeling like this sucks. I don't want you to accept it. You don't deserve it, and... you're right, I don't, either. We're allowed to ask not to be hurt. And we don't have to accept the blame when asking doesn't change anything.
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It's true, she feels a little better already... and stronger for it, too, more than if she'd have handled this alone. (But who is she kidding, she wouldn't have come this far, been supported this far, without him.) ]
I... Me, too. [ She closes her eyes, leaning her head against him. ] I love you, and, because of that... I want better for you, too.
[ Both in what the world gives him, how others treat him, and how he treats himself, the latter of which-- is the hardest to tackle. And to be loved by him, means-- "We're allowed to ask not to be hurt. "-- he wants better for her too. Like she wants him to want better for himself, or accept that idea, he wants the same. What are they but two people who want to help each other and give the other grace and comfort and safety.
Perhaps... She had been a fool for waiting this long to speak to him about she felt. Or perhaps this conversation had come just at the right time. On this debate, she's not sure-- but she's glad to have shared what she felt with him, in a safe way where it felt as if she was being listened to. He's told her she's good at listening, but he is, too. ]
Let's have that, in this world, okay?
[ She gives him another hug, her hand rubbing over his shoulder, wanting to give some encouragement back. There's no doubt in her mind that his battle is far more of an uphill than her own, and for that... she'll give him as much support as she can. But will it be enough? ]
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Huh.]
Pyra, um...
[He draws back a bit, looking more calm but still somewhat uneased.]
Era talked about therapy. And she's confirmed it was Stark who was supposed to be helping her. ["Helping", in the biggest of fake quotation marks ever.] She told me she wasn't going anymore, but she sent me some stuff she was gonna self-study with, in case it helped me. I... it was kind of a lot. [He's done heavy reading before, but not like this.] And if it's the method they're using... [They're not going great so far.] ...Can I get your opinion on it?
[The methodology feels clumsy to him. There are references and through lines to things he has no pathway to comprehending, no expertise to parse the information. He's certain she's more knowledgeable than him overall, so maybe she can get something out of it that he can't.
He's... also pretty sure that self-therapy doesn't work. It's hard not to be skeptical of this.]
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Pyra lifts up her head, looking at him while giving him a small nudge with her elbow. ] Mm, sure. But first...
[ He'll receive a light kiss upon his cheek, harmonized with a squeeze of her hand in his, and a smile as she looks at him. ] I'm glad you're considering it.
[ ... ]
So let's take a look, mm?
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[Better late than never... it isn't something he'd felt like he was allowed to do before, but at this point, what even does he have to lose?
He has some thoughts on that idea of self-therapy himself as well, which is why he's questioning it now. When she gives her assent, he gets his communicator and loads up one of the resources he'd been sent, passing it over to let her peruse as she pleases. He's not sure whether to read over her shoulder or let her explore the text in peace, so he shifts uncomfortably between the two, remaining close.]
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However by the end of the text, her expression is far more concerned. Turning the communicator off, she places it face down upon the porch and sighs, appearing troubled. ]
This cognitive restructuring therapy... It seems [ She struggles for a moment. ] stressful. Or, um, harsh.
[ If he brought it to her, she’s guessing that he may have concerns and doubts about it in the first place. She looks at him, her expression open. ] I'm not an expert, but... Maybe that's just what we must acknowledge. You deserve professional, holistic therapy.
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[At least, that's how it felt to him, as he perused the steps. Questions on questions on questions- like every thought has to be hyper-analyzed and broken down to its core motivation to make sure it's the right one. He's not analytical that way, such thoughts don't come to him naturally. Like a... series of second-guessing, that could make one think that every instinct is wrong. He's not sure he likes it. He knows he doesn't like the idea of trying to do it alone.
Maybe it is time.]
An expert... I didn't think of it as something I deserved or not. But you don't deserve to carry the burden of "fixing" me, either.
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I don’t think you’re “broken” or a burden, Noct... But I— I have seen you suffer. [ And sometimes, it does feel helpless as she watches or holds him, knowing that even if she does comfort him and he calms, it will inevitably happen again. She isn’t enough, and admitting that, too, is to acknowledge that he can be helped by someone who is better equipped to guide him through his hardships, with the training and clinical expertise she doesn’t have. ]
And I don't want that anymore for you, and if this will help-- When you find a therapist you like, let's walk together to them, okay? [ Undoubtedly, she'll be waiting for him afterwards in order to give him a hug. ]
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[He's a mess, he knows that much, but he doesn't want to lean on the idea that he's broken in some way. And he doesn't see how that's a healthy way for her to think of herself either. One more thing that bothered him about their conversation and her method of treating her own issues. He doesn't want that for himself, he doesn't want to think of this as "fixing" himself. You don't fix people. You fix tools, you fix weapons. Whatever she might claim, they aren't either.
He slips his hand down between them to find hers again now that it's free, winding their fingers together.]
I'd like it... if you came with me. You don't have to stay or anything, just- [He glances down.] Get me through the door, I guess.
[It wouldn't be the first time he'd be tempted to run away from something just to pretend he's stronger than he is.]
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Her fingers interlace with his, giving them a squeeze. ]
Walk with you to your first appointment? [ She'd like nothing more than to support him, and she'd never find it a burden, whether that means sitting in on a session with him or letting him have a session private. She'll walk with him every time. ] It'd be an honor.
[ To frame this as a good thing, a wonderful step, something that she's proud of him for doing-- she'd rather encourage that in attempt to assuage any lingering feelings of doubt or shame or weakness. ]
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[His shoulders slump in relief, and he leans against her, letting her presence set him at ease as he's quiet for a little while. He hadn't expected a negative answer - especially since she'd offered to begin with - but it's still a relief to hear it said anyway. Perhaps his certainty in her answer is something he'll need to think about, or keep in mind to avoid taking advantage of it, but for now, he hopes that this comfort he's feeling is a mutual one.
Speaking of, though...]
...If you'll be there anyway... maybe there'd be someone to help you, too.
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To... help me?
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[He made a monumental screw-up and only barely caught his mistake. It's one thing to try and make sure she doesn't accidentally take the blame for something that wasn't her fault, but it's another thing to give her the tools to push back on her own terms, and that's clearly something he'd fumbled to encourage. She shouldn't have to tell him to reassure her properly.]
I- you think it's a good idea for me, right? To not just rely on you comforting me all the time, but to get help from someone who actually knows what they're doing with this? [He makes a vague, spinning gesture towards his head.]
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Well... It can't hurt, can it?
[ She's not exactly sure how it would help her, but if he suggests that it might, perhaps he sees something which she cannot. And, as she's said before, that's another quality she likes about him, how he's insightful.
She reaches up with her free hand, taking his that made the spinning motion to indicate his head. Drawing his hand to her lips, she kisses the backs of his fingers. ] But... you know I don't mind it, mm? When you do come to me.
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