[ His questions only serve to flame the simmering upset within her, none of it at all directed at him.
He calls himself weak, but she's never seen him weak. He says he's wanted to run away, to live, as if anyone wanting to live is such a selfish request even in the face of self-sacrifice. When has he ever run away, anyway?! Perhaps put off some unpleasant conversations, but he's always done what others have asked of him, what was necessary. He's always fought for others. He's questioning his value, and if the goal of having these memories is to crush him utterly, then she's watching it happen in real time.
(Had exploring this part of his soul been a mistake?)
She refuses to let these memories 'win' in that sort of way. ] Noct.... Listen, please, listen.
[ She pulls away from him, her hand withdrawing from his shoulder to go to his cheek, cupping and supporting his face so that he may look at her. ]
I know you-- and I adore your want to fight and protect others... but at the same time [ Her voice wavers, and she looks at him helplessly. ] am so, so frightened of it, too, because you always put others above yourself.
[ It's the same sort of love she has for her own world and the people in it. Of course she wants to live, too, to be with those she loves. Of course that same love drives her to protect them, and to sacrifice herself for it.
He wouldn't run away, because as much as he loves his friends, as much as he'd want to be with them-- she knows for certain that he would not want to see them suffer. The gods and crystal may have read his wants, but they completely misunderstood his love and want to protect others, and in their fear that their Chosen would not obey, they hurt him further. ]
You don't deserve this-- because they don't know how much you love your friends, your family, how much you would do for them, no matter what cost. They underestimated you, and...
Your gods, your crystal... They really don't know, do they? [ A short, breathless and wry half-laugh escapes her in disbelief. This is a lesson that he had taught her, too. As it turns out, gods and immortals anywhere can stand to learn something from him. ]
You are not selfish for wanting to live, for wanting to be with those you love.
[She asks, and he listens. She challenges his doubts, and he listens. Her words strike a chord, and he knows that on some level she must be right- he'd committed to sacrificing himself before his mind started to become overwhelmed by these memories, before he knew what Bahamut and the crystal had done to him to ensure he wouldn't turn away from it. He'd fought back when Cor had wanted him to find another way. He'd made that decision already. On the other hand, he hadn't remembered the truth of his own thoughts in the crystal itself until now, that he'd doubted, resisted in much the same way. Is it really that they didn't know? Or had they read deeper into his soul - the soul that had connected with theirs, been granted their power, been chosen by them as the last and saviour king - and known he needed an extra push?
He wants to believe her. He tries to. But as those overwhelming memories swirl deeper through his subconscious, grinding up against the forefront of his mind and vying for more of his attention than the woman before him, his eyes grow clouded, and he bows his head. He can't think... he can't focus. It feels like before, when the memories broke through his mental wall and nearly killed him. The ache of warning is there, and while she's protecting him from being truly overwhelmed in the same way, this close proximity is drawing them to him like a nest of hornets. She tells him he doesn't deserve this, and he thinks about a girl in Gralea who didn't deserve to be devoured when her mother turned into a daemon. She tells him he loves his family, and he thinks of a man coming home to his family in Lestallum with a grim diagnosis, who won't live through the starscourge now plaguing him because their useless king got the last Oracle killed. She tells him he's not selfish for wanting to live, and he thinks about a woman begging for her life as magitek troopers tear through her home with guns and blades, searching for the Crownsguard she'd sheltered. He feels their pain, their grief, their fear, and his own must pale before theirs, because there's so much. There's so much. Thousands of years, too much.
He takes a slow, shuddering breath, and his gaze drifts to the side as the ruins of Ralmuell crumble and disappear around them, leaving them once more alone in the void, only the echo of thousands of voices whispering around him. Our star. Our world. Our future. The blood price must be paid.
Enter into reflection.
He closes his eyes, then, and leans in to brush his head against hers, wishing for all the world that her voice would drown all the others out. This is reflection. Ten years of wandering through the thoughts and memories of their star and feeling the weight of every person who lived, so when the time came to make his choice, there'd be no choice at all. This... is an understanding he'd needed to come to, that much is true. But he's not ready to face it yet.]
Can... we go? Get out of here? I don't want to be here anymore.
[ In his silence, she worries for him, wondering what else might be going through his mind, if all of what she's said is being drowned out or negated by the power of his Crystal and the hold it has over him. A part of her crystal may be literally embedded into him, but that doesn't override how inherently intertwined he is with his own, the history they have together, and the future of the world they wish to save.
Then he takes that shuddering breath and leans forward, putting his forehead to hers once more, and begs for respite from the torture through which he's been put.
Her expression falls, and she draws a quick, frightened breath. Had they made a mistake, coming here?
Is this the crystal winning against him, or is this the crystal imposing its will onto him, to have him retreat? Is he truly not strong enough to endure, or is it simply a belief imposed on him that he's weak, that he can't--
Can we go?
Whatever the reason, she sees the misery and defeat clearly written upon his face. That's cause enough for them to leave, to stop his suffering. ]
Okay.... [ She replies, bringing her hand to his cheek. ] Okay.
[ They have an answer to why he has these memories, at least, as terrible as it is. Going forward from here-- she's not sure where it may lead; she hopes the damage's been done by the immense guilt that has been imposed onto his heart, the guilt of living, the guilt of surviving while others have not, will ease when he wakes. It is a strong force with which to contend, and for once, Pyra is unsure if she has an answer to the struggle when she had to contend with such guilt herself. What she is certain about is that he's been done wrong by the gods, that this turmoil is not what he deserves, and that she'll insist on that as many times as necessary.
They return to reality, awakening on their bed and resting side by side. Pyra pulls herself back from him, searching his expression before she leans in and kisses the top of his forehead, lingering there. ] You're still wonderful, you know that.
[The relief that comes to him when they're back to reality is almost immediate; his body language shifts, shoulders losing an immense amount of tension, clarity returning to his eyes, the furrow in his brow easing out. He closes his eyes for a long moment as she kisses him, and when he opens them again with a shudder, he's back, and the painful buzzing in his head is fading away. He feels... very much like himself again, whereas he'd begun to lose fragments in there. Or- maybe not fragments. Maybe he'd only gotten lost in the sea of memories, forgetting where he ended and the rest of the world began. Their thoughts became his thoughts and vice-versa. The buzz of them had started out so quietly, but as they'd prolonged their exploration, the louder they'd become. He reached out to them and they came so readily, too much and too fast. He hadn't known how to control the flow of it, or maybe there was no way to do so at all. He's not sure, and it's yet another mystery unsolved.
Here again, though, all he can hear is her voice and the pounding of his heart, the sound of his own breath as he exhales, inhales, and regains control of his body, fights to relax. He's... here. He's himself. He's okay.]
I'm okay, [he manages out loud, his voice tremulous at first, so he swallows and tries again, stronger this time.] I'm okay. [He's wonderful. Is he? It's easier to believe her now. There's no extra voice - voices - whispering that he isn't so wonderful that he's allowed to keep living. That's nice.] I- ...I think that place... gets kinda intense, the longer I'm there.
[ She rolls on her side, moving close to cuddle against him. If only she could embrace each and every single one of those trembles out of him, to be whatever strength he needs in this moment until he can lift his head high again. ]
I'm glad you asked to stop.
[ Moments ago, she had thought that maybe he could have endured, that it had been the crystal that was making him believe he could not. Seeing how far more at ease he is while awake causes her to doubt that very same thought. If there is a means to last longer within that realm of the crystal's memories, he isn't going to know on his first try. And at the moment, she's too frightened of what irreparable harm the crystal may do to him to wonder further. ]
It was like watching those memories eat away at your will, right then and there. [ --And that's just it, she had only watched. She hadn't experienced those memories as he had. ] We... don't have to go back in there, if you don't want.
[He shifts with her to press up close, winding his arms around her and cuddling in. While he may not feel so lost anymore, her presence is an anchor, and he wants to hold onto that security for a while until he's steady again. He suspects it'll be good for her, too; that can't have been pleasant to watch, any more than it was to experience firsthand. A hug is the least he can do for worrying her yet again.]
Yeah... [He can't really deny it. That is what was happening, wasn't it? He hadn't been given much of a chance to push back against them. Any time he tried, they pushed back infinitely harder, and he'd been vastly outnumbered.] I'll... have to think about it. What I want to do. I mean- it started out okay, didn't it? It was almost a good thing. I just couldn't handle much after that.
[The first memory had been... not happy, exactly, but impactful in a way that was difficult to describe. He'd felt the echo of their past and his own, the ripple of emotions that he'd felt once, that his father had felt. Like the memory wanted to share with him that other generations had struggled and still loved each other dearly. He didn't regret seeing that.
On the other hand, he certainly hadn't needed to be reminded that the Oracles had suffered and struggled over the years, and he'd had no need or desire to watch Luna die, even as a vague silhouette. The emotions had been real enough. Her willing sacrifice, her grief at what she was giving up, so that he could live on and save their home... he'll carry those, if he must, for her sake. But he hadn't needed to know for him to be willing to return that gift for the world.]
[ It would have been such a boon, she's sure, to explore those memories for any other number of reasons: perhaps to see more of those he loves in their youth, such as his mother or father, or to see what Prompto, Ignis, or Gladio had been doing while he was confined to the Crystal. Or, on some desperate hope, that one memory somewhere might have something the gods had overlooked...
But she cannot say that, let alone suggest it not now, not while he's recovering. It must be his choice, anyway, for what he wishes to do with those memories. If it is too much, she would not call him wanting peace for himself as "running away" from it, either. He needs that peace. She only wants to facilitate what he wants. ] Mm-hm.
That first memory... It was sweet. But the rest-- [ She stops herself then, knowing that she's just repeating what he's saying. ]
....You don't deserve to be hurt by your crystal like that, if you choose to look for memories again.
[He won't commit to whether or not he wants to go back, not yet. It's too fresh, and he's struggling to justify it. There might be still some lingering curiosity later- if there's something worth the struggle, if there are more significant discoveries waiting to reveal themselves. As she'd said, the first memory was sweet, and it triggered within him something of a revelation about his own past. But the pain that followed after... was it worth it?]
...Me neither. [ She encourages, keeping her voice soft. If she could tell him to keep saying that he doesn't want to be hurt, maybe he'll start to believe that he doesn't deserve to be hurt, either. ]
Safe and healthy. You have a right to have those things, too, just as any other.
[He's quiet at that, his head tilting somewhat listlessly to the side as he ponders the implications of those words. They're not great.]
...It's weird, isn't it? Having to be told something like that. It's not normal.
[It isn't the first time, either, though the situation is different now. But there's something viscerally wrong about having to be told that someone does not have the right to hurt him- even if that someone is a god. When it comes to the divine, there isn't even a guarantee that this conclusion is the right one. In the eyes of many people, gods have the right to do whatever they want to anyone.]
It is... [ And she does wonder just where that conditioning of his came from. She can't imagine Regis telling him something like that, that he simply had to endure all this pain for the future. But with the weight of the crown, and with Noctis seeing his father do exactly that all for his kingdom and Noctis... Perhaps it didn't need to said. Noctis witnessed the principle of giving oneself up for others, and not complaining, firsthand. ]
I wish you could believe it, too, that you shouldn't need to suffer for others in-- that sort of way. [ She gets it, but this is taking it to an extreme. ] It's awful.... It's terrible.
I... [He wants to object, truly he does. But it would be dishonest, and she deserves more from him.] I don't disbelieve it. I guess that's the problem. I start to feel like I should do better for myself, but something happens to remind me, or someone else is getting hurt and it feels like my fault, and... it's really easy to go back to that.
[Old habits die hard, after all. He can't stand to disappoint people or cause them pain, and it's as easy in the moment to take whatever pain he can onto himself as it is hard to handle the consequences of his choice to do so afterwards. A vicious cycle much easier to ignore than to try and overcome. But he has tried. He's gotten better. ...He hopes he's gotten better.
This is... not one of the better moments, though. He'll admit that.]
[ Her hand moves through his hair, parting the thicker locks of his hair and gently raking over his scalp with her nails. Having been with him for so long, and having seen his more vulnerable moments, she won't suggest that he's not doing enough. She's seen how hard that belief of himself is, that he must put others first.
While it does make him selfless, that same belief harms him. ]
There's a balance, I'm sure... For anything else. But for this? It's not your fault at all.
[ Which is why it's particularly upsetting and... angering... to her. ]
[Balance... no wonder he's struggling with it. He's never been very good at that sort of thing. His life tends to wobble between 0 to 100 with little in between. This place is still the most normal he's ever been, and that's saying a lot. Especially considering the weirdness they'd just experienced, walking through the soulspace of his (and her?) crystal.
Maybe this is where best to start, though, while she's supporting him and here to set him straight if he wavers. So after a moment of hesitation, he says quietly, cautiously,]
It's not my fault. [-And waits for something to happen, for the memories to rush in or the headache to come or something, magical or otherwise, to punish him for rebelling against that persistent self-deprecation the crystal seems to have manifested in him.
And when nothing happens, he tries again, more firmly,] It's not my fault.
It's not your fault. [ She echoes, placing another kiss on the side of his cheek.
She's gladly listen to him say it as many times as he needs. The crystal imposing memories on him, the gods and crystal deciding that it is necessary for such a force to overwhelm him, to-- to manipulate him... it is infuriating. None of that is his fault, especially since he's only done all as has been asked of him.
Just because he still lives, and has lived in relative comfort, doesn't mean that he should have the weight of others' tragedy push him to suffer. He can empathize enough with others' suffering, but turning that into guilt to coax him is where the line is crossed. ]
You know... I wonder. [ When some moments have passed, she dares to speak again. ] For the memories you have seen in the past, of those who passed... [ She thinks of the silhouette of the oracle collapsing. ] Would they want their memory of them to... be used in a way that causes you this pain?
[ Her tone is doubtful, but gentle, attempting to encourage him to explore the manipulation behind it-- and the insult it is, to use such tragic memories of others to do so. ]
Ah... I don't know. Depends on who it is. I'm sure some of the past kings would want to push me in that direction through whatever means are necessary... they've been waiting centuries for this.
[He can only imagine what it might have been like, waiting in the ring over many generations, helpless to do anything but watch and judge and pray. How long before some may have lost their humanity? Fragments of their souls? How much did they remember of what it was like to be human? He'd tried to speak with a few of them through the ring over time, but in some ways that was even harder than getting memories from the crystal. Some of them gave no real response at all. It isn't hard to imagine them witnessing what the crystal or Bahamut intended and deciding that it was a necessary price to ensure the future.]
Luna, though... and people like my dad... they'd never want this. They'd trust me to choose, and... they wouldn't force me into it like that.
Then... Noct, don't listen to those past kings. [ It is true, Noctis can empathize with those who may hurt him. He can seek to understand them, their suffering, their reason for pushing for an end. No one is saying that the past kings hadn't suffered, or that their circumstances didn't lead them to continue by any means necessary. Noctis can see things from others' perspectives, and that's one of his greatest qualities.
But that is where it should stop. He needn't agree with them, because somehow he believes he owes it to them to suffer as they did. ] If someone pushes you and hurts you, even someone of your own family-- [ She pulls away, wanting to look at him as she speaks, wanting to see his expression and read what doubt or pain she finds there. If only she could take all of that away, if only it were that easy. ] know that they're wrong. Just because someone suffered in the past, does not mean that you must hurt, too.
There are those like Luna and your father who have endured so much, but they want something better for you.
[Her persistence is very convincing, and her words have merit, of course. He swallows hard, lifting his eyes to focus on her as she focuses on him. That pain still lingers, of course - hard to brush aside so easily - but it is... settled, somewhat. Fading in light of her efforts to push it back down again and urge him to stand up for himself.]
It's, um. It's easier. Out here. In my own head, it's just my voice, you know? I can tell myself, hey, that's not healthy. That's not fair. And fairness actually matters in this world. No one's counting on me to save everything by myself. [His lips quirk, wrestling against that heavy misery for a moment to finally crack a small smile.] And I can hear you, too. The crystal's just- it's so loud, Pyra. I don't even know how to describe it. It's just. Loud.
[Like the worst migraine, an entire cloud's worth of buzzing insects. Too many voices vying for their chance to remind him of what they sacrificed and what he was born to do. It didn't matter here, so he didn't have to listen. But it's impossible to drown it out in that place if he lingers long enough to hear them all speak.]
In some way it's reassuring-- she had been worried that the trip into the crystal, while an idea initially supported by their hope, had done more damage. It seems so common with him, one step forward, two steps back and knocked down by some force or circumstance in his world. But it seems that he's able to have a clearer mind when not in the midst of it, so he may recover.
Her head bobs up and down in a slow nod. ]
...That's... good, that it's not overwhelming you here. [ Which would be troubling if otherwise, for that would mean the reason for imparting her crystal onto him was all for nothing. ]
Yeah... I don't get the feeling that we changed anything, if you're worried about that. It's back to how it was before.
[He can't guarantee it, of course. They'd have to wait and watch for long-term repercussions, and that takes a while for obvious reasons. He'd rather not plant any seeds of worry for that though- he doesn't want her to feel bad about it, or worse, take on any blame. Just in case. It had been his request to try this, and her ability to pull them out is what's sparing him from more pain, again, just like last time when she'd granted him her crystal. She's saving him. None of this is her fault.]
[ brings her hand down to his, giving it a squeeze. That he's safe is what matters, and should he ever decide to return to seek another memory, she'll have to find a way to better prepare-- and protect-- him from the oppressive, "loud" atmosphere of the memories. Somehow, someway. ]
...If it's worth anything at all... I think you were brave, doing this. [ She pauses as doubt makes her reconsider her words. ] Not that I think you're not brave for wanting to leave because it was awful. [ Rather, she's glad he's putting himself first rather than pushing himself too much. That is far more progress. ]
[ She smiles kindly at him, but embarrassed all the same for fumbling over what she means to convey. Pushing himself is good, but not too much that it hurts him. Her encouraging him may be good in the same way, so long as it doesn't make him feel guilty for not being able to go further. She wants him to know that he has her support and love no matter what. ]
I'm proud of you for putting yourself first, and doing what you want to do.
Yeah... well, I couldn't have done it without you.
[He leans in closer, his expression softening, looking much more like his usual self than he had minutes ago. Like he'd been locked out in the cold and she opened the door for him- he's warming up again, bit by bit, and those memories were left outside.]
You're the best, you know that? Thanks for... helping me work through it. I'd be a huge mess if you weren't here.
[He's still something of a mess, but he knows himself well enough to know how much worse it could be. It's not just because of the memories. She's talking to him, asking about his feelings, helping him parse what happened without guiding too forcefully or telling him what he must think. That's the difference between her crystal and his. She lets him choose, grants him that freedom. Her power is so great but she doesn't use it against him. He can see her expression, how much she cares, she's not faceless or masked. It's what makes her more human than the gods.]
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no subject
He calls himself weak, but she's never seen him weak. He says he's wanted to run away, to live, as if anyone wanting to live is such a selfish request even in the face of self-sacrifice. When has he ever run away, anyway?! Perhaps put off some unpleasant conversations, but he's always done what others have asked of him, what was necessary. He's always fought for others. He's questioning his value, and if the goal of having these memories is to crush him utterly, then she's watching it happen in real time.
(Had exploring this part of his soul been a mistake?)
She refuses to let these memories 'win' in that sort of way. ] Noct.... Listen, please, listen.
[ She pulls away from him, her hand withdrawing from his shoulder to go to his cheek, cupping and supporting his face so that he may look at her. ]
I know you-- and I adore your want to fight and protect others... but at the same time [ Her voice wavers, and she looks at him helplessly. ] am so, so frightened of it, too, because you always put others above yourself.
[ It's the same sort of love she has for her own world and the people in it. Of course she wants to live, too, to be with those she loves. Of course that same love drives her to protect them, and to sacrifice herself for it.
He wouldn't run away, because as much as he loves his friends, as much as he'd want to be with them-- she knows for certain that he would not want to see them suffer. The gods and crystal may have read his wants, but they completely misunderstood his love and want to protect others, and in their fear that their Chosen would not obey, they hurt him further. ]
You don't deserve this-- because they don't know how much you love your friends, your family, how much you would do for them, no matter what cost. They underestimated you, and...
Your gods, your crystal... They really don't know, do they? [ A short, breathless and wry half-laugh escapes her in disbelief. This is a lesson that he had taught her, too. As it turns out, gods and immortals anywhere can stand to learn something from him. ]
You are not selfish for wanting to live, for wanting to be with those you love.
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He wants to believe her. He tries to. But as those overwhelming memories swirl deeper through his subconscious, grinding up against the forefront of his mind and vying for more of his attention than the woman before him, his eyes grow clouded, and he bows his head. He can't think... he can't focus. It feels like before, when the memories broke through his mental wall and nearly killed him. The ache of warning is there, and while she's protecting him from being truly overwhelmed in the same way, this close proximity is drawing them to him like a nest of hornets. She tells him he doesn't deserve this, and he thinks about a girl in Gralea who didn't deserve to be devoured when her mother turned into a daemon. She tells him he loves his family, and he thinks of a man coming home to his family in Lestallum with a grim diagnosis, who won't live through the starscourge now plaguing him because their useless king got the last Oracle killed. She tells him he's not selfish for wanting to live, and he thinks about a woman begging for her life as magitek troopers tear through her home with guns and blades, searching for the Crownsguard she'd sheltered. He feels their pain, their grief, their fear, and his own must pale before theirs, because there's so much. There's so much. Thousands of years, too much.
He takes a slow, shuddering breath, and his gaze drifts to the side as the ruins of Ralmuell crumble and disappear around them, leaving them once more alone in the void, only the echo of thousands of voices whispering around him. Our star. Our world. Our future. The blood price must be paid.
Enter into reflection.
He closes his eyes, then, and leans in to brush his head against hers, wishing for all the world that her voice would drown all the others out. This is reflection. Ten years of wandering through the thoughts and memories of their star and feeling the weight of every person who lived, so when the time came to make his choice, there'd be no choice at all. This... is an understanding he'd needed to come to, that much is true. But he's not ready to face it yet.]
Can... we go? Get out of here? I don't want to be here anymore.
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Then he takes that shuddering breath and leans forward, putting his forehead to hers once more, and begs for respite from the torture through which he's been put.
Her expression falls, and she draws a quick, frightened breath. Had they made a mistake, coming here?
Is this the crystal winning against him, or is this the crystal imposing its will onto him, to have him retreat? Is he truly not strong enough to endure, or is it simply a belief imposed on him that he's weak, that he can't--
Can we go?
Whatever the reason, she sees the misery and defeat clearly written upon his face. That's cause enough for them to leave, to stop his suffering. ]
Okay.... [ She replies, bringing her hand to his cheek. ] Okay.
[ They have an answer to why he has these memories, at least, as terrible as it is. Going forward from here-- she's not sure where it may lead; she hopes the damage's been done by the immense guilt that has been imposed onto his heart, the guilt of living, the guilt of surviving while others have not, will ease when he wakes. It is a strong force with which to contend, and for once, Pyra is unsure if she has an answer to the struggle when she had to contend with such guilt herself. What she is certain about is that he's been done wrong by the gods, that this turmoil is not what he deserves, and that she'll insist on that as many times as necessary.
They return to reality, awakening on their bed and resting side by side. Pyra pulls herself back from him, searching his expression before she leans in and kisses the top of his forehead, lingering there. ] You're still wonderful, you know that.
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Here again, though, all he can hear is her voice and the pounding of his heart, the sound of his own breath as he exhales, inhales, and regains control of his body, fights to relax. He's... here. He's himself. He's okay.]
I'm okay, [he manages out loud, his voice tremulous at first, so he swallows and tries again, stronger this time.] I'm okay. [He's wonderful. Is he? It's easier to believe her now. There's no extra voice - voices - whispering that he isn't so wonderful that he's allowed to keep living. That's nice.] I- ...I think that place... gets kinda intense, the longer I'm there.
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I'm glad you asked to stop.
[ Moments ago, she had thought that maybe he could have endured, that it had been the crystal that was making him believe he could not. Seeing how far more at ease he is while awake causes her to doubt that very same thought. If there is a means to last longer within that realm of the crystal's memories, he isn't going to know on his first try. And at the moment, she's too frightened of what irreparable harm the crystal may do to him to wonder further. ]
It was like watching those memories eat away at your will, right then and there. [ --And that's just it, she had only watched. She hadn't experienced those memories as he had. ] We... don't have to go back in there, if you don't want.
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Yeah... [He can't really deny it. That is what was happening, wasn't it? He hadn't been given much of a chance to push back against them. Any time he tried, they pushed back infinitely harder, and he'd been vastly outnumbered.] I'll... have to think about it. What I want to do. I mean- it started out okay, didn't it? It was almost a good thing. I just couldn't handle much after that.
[The first memory had been... not happy, exactly, but impactful in a way that was difficult to describe. He'd felt the echo of their past and his own, the ripple of emotions that he'd felt once, that his father had felt. Like the memory wanted to share with him that other generations had struggled and still loved each other dearly. He didn't regret seeing that.
On the other hand, he certainly hadn't needed to be reminded that the Oracles had suffered and struggled over the years, and he'd had no need or desire to watch Luna die, even as a vague silhouette. The emotions had been real enough. Her willing sacrifice, her grief at what she was giving up, so that he could live on and save their home... he'll carry those, if he must, for her sake. But he hadn't needed to know for him to be willing to return that gift for the world.]
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But she cannot say that, let alone suggest it not now, not while he's recovering. It must be his choice, anyway, for what he wishes to do with those memories. If it is too much, she would not call him wanting peace for himself as "running away" from it, either. He needs that peace. She only wants to facilitate what he wants. ] Mm-hm.
That first memory... It was sweet. But the rest-- [ She stops herself then, knowing that she's just repeating what he's saying. ]
....You don't deserve to be hurt by your crystal like that, if you choose to look for memories again.
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[He won't commit to whether or not he wants to go back, not yet. It's too fresh, and he's struggling to justify it. There might be still some lingering curiosity later- if there's something worth the struggle, if there are more significant discoveries waiting to reveal themselves. As she'd said, the first memory was sweet, and it triggered within him something of a revelation about his own past. But the pain that followed after... was it worth it?]
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Safe and healthy. You have a right to have those things, too, just as any other.
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...It's weird, isn't it? Having to be told something like that. It's not normal.
[It isn't the first time, either, though the situation is different now. But there's something viscerally wrong about having to be told that someone does not have the right to hurt him- even if that someone is a god. When it comes to the divine, there isn't even a guarantee that this conclusion is the right one. In the eyes of many people, gods have the right to do whatever they want to anyone.]
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I wish you could believe it, too, that you shouldn't need to suffer for others in-- that sort of way. [ She gets it, but this is taking it to an extreme. ] It's awful.... It's terrible.
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[Old habits die hard, after all. He can't stand to disappoint people or cause them pain, and it's as easy in the moment to take whatever pain he can onto himself as it is hard to handle the consequences of his choice to do so afterwards. A vicious cycle much easier to ignore than to try and overcome. But he has tried. He's gotten better. ...He hopes he's gotten better.
This is... not one of the better moments, though. He'll admit that.]
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While it does make him selfless, that same belief harms him. ]
There's a balance, I'm sure... For anything else. But for this? It's not your fault at all.
[ Which is why it's particularly upsetting and... angering... to her. ]
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Maybe this is where best to start, though, while she's supporting him and here to set him straight if he wavers. So after a moment of hesitation, he says quietly, cautiously,]
It's not my fault. [-And waits for something to happen, for the memories to rush in or the headache to come or something, magical or otherwise, to punish him for rebelling against that persistent self-deprecation the crystal seems to have manifested in him.
And when nothing happens, he tries again, more firmly,] It's not my fault.
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She's gladly listen to him say it as many times as he needs. The crystal imposing memories on him, the gods and crystal deciding that it is necessary for such a force to overwhelm him, to-- to manipulate him... it is infuriating. None of that is his fault, especially since he's only done all as has been asked of him.
Just because he still lives, and has lived in relative comfort, doesn't mean that he should have the weight of others' tragedy push him to suffer. He can empathize enough with others' suffering, but turning that into guilt to coax him is where the line is crossed. ]
You know... I wonder. [ When some moments have passed, she dares to speak again. ] For the memories you have seen in the past, of those who passed... [ She thinks of the silhouette of the oracle collapsing. ] Would they want their memory of them to... be used in a way that causes you this pain?
[ Her tone is doubtful, but gentle, attempting to encourage him to explore the manipulation behind it-- and the insult it is, to use such tragic memories of others to do so. ]
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[He can only imagine what it might have been like, waiting in the ring over many generations, helpless to do anything but watch and judge and pray. How long before some may have lost their humanity? Fragments of their souls? How much did they remember of what it was like to be human? He'd tried to speak with a few of them through the ring over time, but in some ways that was even harder than getting memories from the crystal. Some of them gave no real response at all. It isn't hard to imagine them witnessing what the crystal or Bahamut intended and deciding that it was a necessary price to ensure the future.]
Luna, though... and people like my dad... they'd never want this. They'd trust me to choose, and... they wouldn't force me into it like that.
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But that is where it should stop. He needn't agree with them, because somehow he believes he owes it to them to suffer as they did. ] If someone pushes you and hurts you, even someone of your own family-- [ She pulls away, wanting to look at him as she speaks, wanting to see his expression and read what doubt or pain she finds there. If only she could take all of that away, if only it were that easy. ] know that they're wrong. Just because someone suffered in the past, does not mean that you must hurt, too.
There are those like Luna and your father who have endured so much, but they want something better for you.
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It's, um. It's easier. Out here. In my own head, it's just my voice, you know? I can tell myself, hey, that's not healthy. That's not fair. And fairness actually matters in this world. No one's counting on me to save everything by myself. [His lips quirk, wrestling against that heavy misery for a moment to finally crack a small smile.] And I can hear you, too. The crystal's just- it's so loud, Pyra. I don't even know how to describe it. It's just. Loud.
[Like the worst migraine, an entire cloud's worth of buzzing insects. Too many voices vying for their chance to remind him of what they sacrificed and what he was born to do. It didn't matter here, so he didn't have to listen. But it's impossible to drown it out in that place if he lingers long enough to hear them all speak.]
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In some way it's reassuring-- she had been worried that the trip into the crystal, while an idea initially supported by their hope, had done more damage. It seems so common with him, one step forward, two steps back and knocked down by some force or circumstance in his world. But it seems that he's able to have a clearer mind when not in the midst of it, so he may recover.
Her head bobs up and down in a slow nod. ]
...That's... good, that it's not overwhelming you here. [ Which would be troubling if otherwise, for that would mean the reason for imparting her crystal onto him was all for nothing. ]
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[He can't guarantee it, of course. They'd have to wait and watch for long-term repercussions, and that takes a while for obvious reasons. He'd rather not plant any seeds of worry for that though- he doesn't want her to feel bad about it, or worse, take on any blame. Just in case. It had been his request to try this, and her ability to pull them out is what's sparing him from more pain, again, just like last time when she'd granted him her crystal. She's saving him. None of this is her fault.]
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...If it's worth anything at all... I think you were brave, doing this. [ She pauses as doubt makes her reconsider her words. ] Not that I think you're not brave for wanting to leave because it was awful. [ Rather, she's glad he's putting himself first rather than pushing himself too much. That is far more progress. ]
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[His lips quirk again, a stronger smile this time.]
That should be way more contrary than it actually is.
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I'm proud of you for putting yourself first, and doing what you want to do.
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[He leans in closer, his expression softening, looking much more like his usual self than he had minutes ago. Like he'd been locked out in the cold and she opened the door for him- he's warming up again, bit by bit, and those memories were left outside.]
You're the best, you know that? Thanks for... helping me work through it. I'd be a huge mess if you weren't here.
[He's still something of a mess, but he knows himself well enough to know how much worse it could be. It's not just because of the memories. She's talking to him, asking about his feelings, helping him parse what happened without guiding too forcefully or telling him what he must think. That's the difference between her crystal and his. She lets him choose, grants him that freedom. Her power is so great but she doesn't use it against him. He can see her expression, how much she cares, she's not faceless or masked. It's what makes her more human than the gods.]
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[ ...And she'll take this any day over the turmoil he had endured in the crystal. Whatever else is in there, it can wait. ]