iustaegis | IC CONTACT FOR HUGS

[ She stares at him, taking in his expression and his words with a silent, sharp inhale.

What hurts him the most is that, in her belief that she’s doing something better for him, she’s taking his choice from him.

...And what scant few choices he has in his life, if any at all. As royalty, he’s probably been chosen for many different things, had choices made for him from how he dresses to where he’s able go or do in his life. He’s been chosen to save his world. To die.

It must have felt like a dream being in this world with its freedoms than the structured rule of his own, able to do as he wants and spend his time as he wants. Paramount to all of this, he can live how he wants, and she— she has imposed upon what liberty he has. ] Noct...

[ Something shatters within her, and she takes a half-step back, quickly looking to the side. How could she not have realized? His freedom, his choices— they are more precious than anything else in the world. His happiness derives from that, not whatever she had been thinking. She’d been so very wrong. ]

I’m so sorry. [ Quietly, she speaks, only to repeat more heavily: ] I’m so sorry.

Your choices... your freedom. They’re more important than anything else.

[Not quite. Almost, but- not quite.]

Not more than anything. [His reply is quicker this time, and he takes a small step forward to combat her small retreat.] Yours matter just as much as mine. Aren't we together in this?

[He's heard it over and over. Books and movies and advice before he needed it. The words used imply it all. Couple. Romantic partners. It's meant to be a team.]

Tell me what you want.

[ What he wants, matters. His happiness matters. Him not being hurt... matters. What she wants is all of these things.

While there is no uncertainty in her voice as she answers, there is great grief for causing exactly opposite of this. Her words tumble past her lips: ] I want you to be happy. I don’t want to hurt you.

[ These are things she’s said before to him, even within the past month. Repetition doesn’t make her wants true, though, as is the case before her. However, this isn’t what.... he’s asking for her answer. What does she, herself, want?

She wants to be with him still. But what
right does she have when she’s caused this? Unable to stop the treacherous, hideous words from spilling, she whispers, ] I want to be with you.

[He ignores the first two. He knew that already; her reaction to realizing she'd hurt him was proof enough of that. Wants and worries that relate to him only aren't what he needs to hear right now.

It's only when she says the last, quietly and fearfully, that he finally closes the distance between them and reaches out to her, gripping her shoulders and ducking down so he can look her in the eyes properly. The hurt lingers, but it's softer now, slowly becoming overwhelmed instead by an urgent plea.]

I told you what I wanted already. If we both want the same thing, who cares about the rest? What other people want, or whether or not we're human- it doesn't matter. [His grip tightens, pulling her in a little closer, trying to urge her forward without forcing it.] When I said I loved you, that was my choice. I'm still making that choice, every day. You've gotta choose for yourself- not for me. Okay?

[ Held by his hands upon her shoulders, she can’t divert her gaze from him. Once more his kindness shines through like the sun’s rays through clouds, breaking through the melancholy of a grey day. He’s said something like this before about choosing one’s family, and again it’s another reminder.

Ignis, Luna... they are his family, people he loves, too. She had thought him to want to be with them more, that they would make him happier. Yet despite what she’s done, he still chooses to include her in his family. To love her.

Her gaze falls from his, then raises. ] Mm.... [ A small nod. ] I— I choose to love you. [ Her hand lifts to his chest, her touch light enough to be barely there. Tentative, as if that touch might hurt him. But her words are meaningful and true. She loves him, and she wants to continue loving him. Sometimes it doesn’t even feel like a choice with how much she loves him. ] Every day.

[ She has to make this up to him, somehow. She has to make this right, to do better. She can’t leave this like it is. ]

.... Your heart is so... grand, Noct. [ Big enough for many, many lights. Always in awe of him, always in love. How could she have hurt it so? ] Aren’t I supposed to be comforting you?

[She says it, and he feels himself relax a little, losing some of that bowstring tension he'd carried since before the argument even began. As she continues, he exhales a held breath, relieved and at the same time, mildly annoyed.]

Gods, stop. Stop making it all about me.

[He closes the distance at last, winding his arms around her, pulling her in tight and burying his face against the space between her neck and shoulder, his voice dropping to a quiet, tremulous sound.]

You're allowed to fight for this... you're allowed to ask for stuff, to want it. Tell me! Make demands! I gave it to you, so just keep it- don't offer it back.

[Go ahead and comfort me, he wants to say. Tell me you want this enough to not give it up, tell me I'm allowed to be selfish, tell me nothing's gonna change this feeling. It's probably too much, though. he doesn't want to give her more reason to feel guilty, and it's up to her to decide what she wants to do going forward. He just- he wants to hear it from her. That he's loved enough that for once someone won't let go of his hand.]

[ Her body stiffens as his arms pull her into an embrace, and something gives as she throws her arms about him in return, unable to help herself from seeking his comfort and warmth, and wanting to give it to him in return.

So many times has she pressed herself close to him to indulge in his beating heart and the rise and fall of his chest as he breathes, and each time she embraces him, wakes up next to him, or holds him, she's able to feel that. More than a place of comfort for her, it's a reminder that he's alive, and she specifically thinks of him being alive because Noctis will die. Never once had she forgotten that future. She cannot not make it about him-- rather, could not. ] I...

[ Quiet, trembling, she begins to speak. ]

I want... this.

[ Her hands tighten upon his back, grasping at his shirt, relax, then tighten once more. ] I want to stay with you.

[ She buries her head against the crook of his neck, inhaling deeply. HIs scent, woodsy with a hint of citrus, reminds her of all the times they've spent together. ] I want to be one of those who makes you happy, who doesn't hurt you. [ With a desperate quiver of her voice, deathly silent, ] I want you to live.

[ --she struggles with that. Immense power at her fingertips, and fear eats her daily to use an iota of it to help. Her inaction harms him, yet more action could cause more harm. Paralyzed as so, all she can do is hope that in the time he has left, she can help his life be as wonderful as possible, and without harm. To provide comfort. So, she doesn't stop there. ] I don't--

I don't want you to be selfish--... because I don't want you to think that it's selfish to be with someone you love! [ Yes. This? This feels right to say. She's had very few relationships to use as examples and form her idea of what love should be like, but among the two she's seen in her own world, the pairs were unconditionally supportive of each other, they were there for each other, offering embraces, shoulders to cry on, and knew when the other was hurting or happy. They were together, they were one. ] It should never be selfish to love someone who you choose, Noct, why, you-- [ They, the both of them, really. Her head snaps up, and it's her turn to adopt a similar tone to his from before, pleading. ] --you're not selfish. You're the least selfish out of all of us! So... don't, don't say that. Don't say you're selfish when you love someone! [ It's bothered her more than she realized, being the object of someone's supposed selfishness as if she had led another to sin, the source of their struggle, turmoil, and conflict.

She cannot stand to be loved if it makes him hurt and call himself something so, so contrary and ugly as selfish, when he's anything but. ]

[The longer she speaks, the better he feels. His arms squeeze around her, tense hands at her back slowly loosening, uncurling to hold more gently. What she says is true, and he'd kind of started it with that, hadn't he? To call it selfish... it wasn't just a slight against his own heart, but hers as well. If she'd already been struggling with insecurities, there's no way that would have helped anything. They both failed, here. That, especially, is enough to finally quell the last of the anger he'd felt, leaving only embers and an edge of wariness that is for the moment easier to ignore. Slowly he unfurls himself from her just enough to press a kiss to her neck, then her cheek, backing up further as he moves to find her eyes, and finally he's smiling again, the curl of his lips small and simple but no longer just sadness.]

That's the most- [He leans in, helpless, catching her lips with his own so briefly.] The most you've ever said it. What you want, what you don't want. It feels good, right? [He doesn't let her answer yet, moving in- another kiss, broken off by a tiny burst of startled laughter.] You're right. All of it. You're right.

[He withdraws further to free his hands, lifting them to cup her face, his focus singular on her. His eyes are misted, not yet crying but just- relieved. So, so relieved. He'd never imagined such a sudden conversation could leave him so frightened, and his breath escapes in fits and trembles.]

I'm not selfish. It's just how I feel, I chose you, I'm choosing you, and if anyone judges me for it they can- [He pauses, reconsidering his own words a heartbeat before he says them. He does very much still love these people, so... maybe not too harshly.] -they can deal with it. [Good enough.

He leans in then, to kiss her properly, letting it linger a few seconds, so she can feel it: a palpable determination, relief, a shaken joy carefully rebuilding itself in his heart.] I love you. [Another kiss, stronger, fiercer.] I love you.

[No doubts, no hesitation. After all this, she deserves to hear it again, and again, and again, so she doesn't forget or think herself unworthy.]

[ Her eyes are wide as he takes her lips for the first kiss, and she stares up helplessly at him as he speaks, bewildered at the sudden in his mood. This means... he isn't angry with her? His eyes remain misted like her own, and she doesn't understand. Yet he's smiling and kissing her again before she can gather her thoughts to carry them along in her attempt to catch up with him.

Once, twice, he says I love you. Like spring coming after winter, she replies naturally, letting the world hear it thrice-- ] I love you. [ --just as his lips part from hers for the final kiss.

Now settled, his words turn over in her mind. He sounds as if he's proud of her, as if she's just accomplished something great. Is that 'great' thing to him speaking of her wants? She can scarcely fathom it being a feat, but here, she... meant what she had said. She liked saying it, too. Saying those words, admitting that she has been miserably worried this past month, feels as if she's betrayed herself for speaking them aloud. At the same time, she feels... lighter, somehow, her own anxieties easing the moment she sees his smile. (He's beautiful.) Him repeating his I love yous while saying he's not selfish is-- that, too, relieves her.

He's not selfish for loving someone. He loves her. ]

You're...[ Her hand raises to his cheek, as if she could keep his face turned towards her, looking at her so she might look at him, watching that beautiful smile, the blue of his eyes, and the kindness she knows to be within. ] you're all right?

[Is he alright? He'd like to say yes immediately, but the truth is that thoughts and feelings don't really work like that. Wounds don't instantly heal over (hell, even potions have limited usage), and this conversation had been... kind of rough, on multiple levels. He can't just sweep that under the rug. Some fear still lingers: that her doubts might continue to fester, that she might not share them, that he'll say the wrong thing or hurt her through his callousness. He's used to physical battles, overwhelming foes with his blades. He's not especially good at resolving conflicts through words. He's also never had a girlfriend to fight with before.

Still, miraculously he does still have a girlfriend, whether he's going to fight with her or not, and he's going to try to focus on that for now.]

I will be. [Best be honest, at least, though it bothers him a little to not just agree to mollify her. Miscommunication had been the whole cause of this.] Just... I didn't want to lose you, you know? I didn't want to give this up.

[He's lost so many, and so much of it had been through his own ineptitude or ignorance, at least in his mind. He didn't want to screw this one up as well. His hand shifts to cover hers, against his cheek, and he closes his eyes, glad to just feel her there.]

Stay with me, okay?

[Don't leave me.]

[ His hand finds hers upon his cheek, and she uses that moment to rise upon her toes to kiss him softly, briefly upon his lips, but not so brief that he won't feel the curl of her lips into a small smile just before she pulls away from him. ]

Of course I will. [ In her belief that she would hurt him, and that she was undeserving compared to those of his world, exacerbated by recent events and the ever-present thought that he will perish, she had thought he would be happier without her. She had been wrong. ] ....You're worth fighting for. What we have is worth fighting for. [ Not at the cost of his happiness, says the doubt remaining in her mind, yet, the doubt isn't as terrible as it was before. She had made him upset, just now. Still, he stays. That's probably the most baffling thing about all of this: he's remained and continued to say "I love you".

So, she has to do better for him. ] And if I'm allowed to want things... [ Allowed, as if she still seeks that permission, as if she doesn't exactly know what to do with it, now that it is hers. It's a little overwhelming, her own freedoms in all of this, too.

Her hand lifts from his cheek to take his that had covered hers, and she leads their grasp between their bodies, bringing her other hand to cup over it, securing their touch together. ] ...Then I want to fight for you, too. For us, together.

[Another good answer; as she speaks, his smile is renewed, softer and new genuine than before, not quite so tentative.]

You're allowed. [He says it with such conviction, no room for doubt in his voice.] You don't need anyone's permission, but if you'll feel better by hearing it, then I'll say it as much as you need. You can want things, you can want anything. Nobody can control that but you.

[It's never a guarantee that she'll get what she wants; he learned that lesson plenty of times growing up. But there's never any harm that comes from wanting, even for wanting the impossible. I want to be something other than king. I want to live under the radar. I want to do whatever I want.

I want to live.

No one's ever been able to stop him from wanting, and he'd never dream of denying the same for her.]

[ As he's said, it isn't anyone's permission on some authority to give. But he's made it substantially easier for her. They both know that wanting things and having those wants becomes reality are completely different, especially in regards to their futures. ]

Then--[ She speaks up abruptly, her hands squeezing his insistently. ] I want to do better for you. Because the way you are with me is... so patient, Noct. [ She speaks through a small smile upon her lips. ] And kind, and wise. And real. [ Such as, well, now. The way he is with her is looking past his hurt. ] The way you are to me, I want to be that for you.

So I want to ask that, too. What do you want?

[He pauses, brows furrowing. There she goes again... talking about doing better, showering him with compliments. To him, all of this just feels like the bare minimum, like he's stumbling through what he should or shouldn't do when it comes to romance, and it's only dumb luck that he's made it this far without disaster breaking things apart. What does he want... he already has so much, but he still wants more, and more, and more.]

I want... for you to have more faith in yourself. About how much you do for me. [Something he has no control over, of course, but she's so rarely left him wanting for anything. Love, affection, her attention and care- he can be just as easily satisfied as her. She should be able to take pride in the feelings she's able to stir up in him, rather than doubt.] I want to learn how to be more honest about stuff with you, like what I'm feeling or what I want to do, and I want you to do the same with me. [No more secrets like this burden she's been carrying alone, until it became too heavy and spilled loose and messy all over the peaceful thing they'd been building together.] I want... to be happy with you, not just because of you. I want, um. [He leans in, feeling a little shy.] I wanna learn to love like you do.

[Freely, openly, without such hesitation or unease. To tell people, touch people, fear less judgment. She thinks so little of her own accomplishments, but it's something he'd always admired about her, right from the start and long before they were ever together.]

[ Being more honest with each other, being more open about what they're feeling... Can she do that? She can do that. She has to try to do that. For him-- ah, no, not only for him, but for herself.

She's already mentioned why she so openly expresses her affection to others, and that is because she knows what she must do do when she returns to her world. She would have no other opportunity to love others, otherwise, even when she knows she shouldn't. Like a last moment to indulge in a vice. ] When there's little time left, it becomes easier to show love. [ --Only it's not so much a vice anymore, she corrects herself. It shouldn't be considered selfish, as she's told him. If she wants him to not think of love who he chooses as selfish, she has to do the same. Her love for others, Noctis included... she must stop framing it as selfish. ]

You've already done a lot in showing that love. [ He's already become so open with her in these few months, after all. Even before that, he had reported hugging and embracing his father, too! While he can give her credit by her encouraging him, ultimately he had to make the decision to go forward with showing his affection or gratefulness in his own way.

In a way, this does bring their conversation full circle. ] But if you want to do more...

Luna and Ignis didn't leave, you know. Your love.... you can show it to them again, now that they are here.

Yeah... I know.

[He just has to navigate how to convey those feelings properly without 1) giving them the wrong idea and 2) rubbing in their faces that they're friends, family, but not... anything beyond. Maybe in another world or another life, things would be different, but right now he's happy with what he has. Anything more than that would be selfish, and unfair to all of them.

It's something to worry over later. But definitely, definitely something to think about, before it's too late. For now, since it's just them...]

...Pyra... can I ask you something?

[ She looks at him inquisitively, continuing to hold his hand. ] Yes...?

[He shuffles his weight foot to foot, fingers curling around her hand, and glances down to the ground. How to say this...]

What's gonna happen to me when I go back... what I have to do. It's really bothering you. I didn't notice, but I should have... I'm sorry for that.

["More often, now. More and more." One more catalyst for her conflict, one more source of insufficiency and guilt. It's distressed her enough that she'd all but offered to leave for his sake, for whatever small bit of extra happiness it might have granted him. When he'd asked if they should break up, she hadn't said no.]

Would you... be happier if you didn't know? [Ah- that's poorly phrased. Happiness would be easier- there is bliss to be found in ignorance, after all.] I mean- would you... would it be better if you never found out?

[It hadn't been a choice, not for either of them. It's a big what-if. But he thinks that it's at least worth considering.]

No-- [ She replies immediately, her brows clinking together in concern. ] No, it wouldn't have been better. [ She would have left it at that, were it not for knowing at a time like this, she needs to speak more. But how does she explain, or even begin to untangle, the complex web of emotions that have formed from all of this? ]

When I think about your future, I think about... how the world will lose someone as wonderful as you, and that it's not fair. [ To the world or to him. ] And-- that I'm not doing enough for you. [ Willful inaction, as it were. Part of the reminder of how she might be harming him. ] But I know that I love you, and love loving you. I love caring for you, and that means...[ She squeezes his hands, more firmly this time. ], I worry for you.

I-- I know I seem sad right at this moment, but-- Noct, you must believe me, I do not feel burdened by worrying for you, when it happens that I do. [ It comes with loving him. She doesn't believe that she's hurting for being saddened by his future, if anything it's only led her to appreciate him more, and to try to show that appreciation. To hide something like that wouldn't be sparing her, it would only be creating a rift between them. ]

[Sad, but... not burdened. He looks up cautiously to study her expression. It's somewhat reassuring, but her words make him wonder if it's he who isn't doing enough- to reassure her that she is. It's never been a matter of her not doing or being enough to satisfy whatever his needs are. He doesn't have cause to complain- not really, not until now, when she tried to put his perceived needs over herself.]

We can talk about it, if you need to. When you think... [That he's dying, that she's not doing enough, that it's unfair. If he says it out loud more often, will it become easier to get used to? Hell, that can't be the only thing that worries her, considering her own future. How much is she keeping quiet about?] You don't have to hide it, or keep it to yourself. You don't always have to be happy around me, especially if it isn't real.

[She has a beautiful smile, and he loves seeing it, but he's grown up around enough fake smiles in the Citadel - given plenty of his own - to know they're not worth as much as the real thing. He doesn't want her to do that for him.]

[ Once more he encourages her to talk and speak with him. His reassurance is met with a meager smile, but a smile nonetheless.

Funny enough, though, how she can still smile despite her thoughts that wander to the knowledge of his death, or perhaps it's not so peculiar after all. She doesn't need to pretend that she isn't sad anymore when she thinks about it? That, too, is relieving. ]

I'm going to try, Noct. Going forward, I will try. [ She squeezes his hands again. ] Promise. [ For him, she will.

She pauses here, reflecting. Trying doesn't seem good enough. She has to walk towards that threshold. ] Forward-- it really is the only way to go, isn't it? Is now a good a time as any?

[Gently he returns the squeeze, shoulders dropping, feeling another wave of relief. Her promises mean a lot to him, too. It doesn't have to be easy or always be okay; a life like that isn't really believable, anyway.]

I don't think "good" should matter, if it's important. But I know I'm kind of a hypocrite for that, too. [He shrugs. "Not a good time" has been his frequent excuse for not bringing things up a lot with other people, but he doesn't really want to keep that kind of habit with her. Not if he expects the opposite from her direction.] Now, whenever. I'll listen when you need me to.

[ "Now, whenever. I'll listen when you need me, too." She smiles again. ] Me, too. [ To both that promise to listen and that "hypocrite" part. In some ways, they really are too similar.

Her only hope is that she'll not be putting too much on him at once, for she knows he already has so much of his own troubles. ] Then... sit with me?

[ She'll guide him over to sit at the edge of the building with her, just as she had found him before all of this began. They have watched the sunrise before together; perhaps it's about time they cherished the sunset as well. Her hand continues to remain in his, while the other balls into a small fist upon her thigh, then relaxes. ] I'm... [ She draws a in a breath. ] tempted to help you with your fate.

[ There it is. It hadn't been so much of a temptation before now-- now, now that she loves him even more than before. He knows her wants, she's even said it before that she doesn't want him to die, but acting upon those wants is something else. ]

You know how I feel... [ Changing the future so carelessly is wrong, to say nothing of the slew of so many other things. It's wishful thinking, among other things. However, she-- ] And you know I-- I have a unique power regarding the future.

That's what I've been thinking about of not harming you, when someone reminded me of it. [ Her shoulders slump with a new weight and guilt, but it's both weight and guilt that's been surfaced instead of remaining inside. She speaks solemnly. ] My inaction... it harms you, too, doesn't it? [ She looks away from him, down to their held hands.

She doesn't know what to do, it's as if she'll hurt him either way. ]

[He moves to sit with her again, keeping his focus on her rather than staring off at nothing like before. He's less despondent when he has something to do instead of dwelling on his own problems; even if the subject is his problem, he can still be glad for the distraction from his moping habit.

He's quiet after, mulling over her question and wanting to really consider what he might say before he says it. This is... a really sensitive topic. He'd spoken thoughtlessly before, and he doesn't want to do it again. He can't say he isn't hurt, but it isn't as if he'd ever expected anyone to save him. That's not how fate and prophecies work, usually, and it isn't her world to worry about. Outside of this place, his life is his own to take care of.

Rather than answer directly, he starts with,]

You... have good reason for not doing it. Like- I know why, you talked about it before, and the logic of it checks out. And last I heard, nothing happened that would've changed your mind about it.

[Perhaps their relationship, or finding out about his fate, could have made her regret it more, but the way she speaks implies that she hasn't reversed her course on it.]

I guess... what hurts isn't that you won't do it, but more that you can't. And it's not like an "I'm mad at you" kind of hurt, just... I... I wish things were different. That we could save each other, and that we could guarantee no consequences afterwards. I don't want to die, but I couldn't stand to exist in a world where my staying alive makes everyone else miserable.

[ His last sentence explains her own position perfectly. Ultimately, the world is far more important than their wants. But they're... allowed to want and wish as much as they please.

She knows this isn't an easy topic, but the thought of potentially bringing harm to him surpasses her inclination to remain quiet. ] Ah--... yes. [ A beat, then: ] And no. About changing my mind. [ Tempted, she said, but still she makes no move, grounded by uncertainty. Immense power means little when it cannot protect those she loves. ]

I'm questioning myself. Is... me not even trying to help you-- is that harming you?

[ But what if her help would harm him? Such factors must always be considered. She tilts her head, looking at him. ]

IC CONTACT

[ Text ♢ Video ♢ Voice ♢ Action ]

[ Pyra ♢ Mythra ♢ Pneuma [ new post here.]

[ new post here.]

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[ Pyra ♢ Mythra ♢ Pneuma
[ new post here.]