[It's a familiar story; he'd said as much to Era, that it was easier to not bring up his issues, object to how he's treated. "Easier for who," had been her response. He wants to ask the same of her, but he suspects it would be a similar answer. For both of them, the priority is to protect. Protect others, their feelings, their priorities. Their own can wait, or remain unknown. It's... easier.
Quietly he pulls her in, wrapping both arms around her in a tight embrace. If this is easier, then he doesn't want it to be easy anymore.]
I don't want this anymore. For you, or for me. It feels easier at first, but... this is the trade-off. And this is getting harder, every day.
[He doesn't want her to make it easier - for them, for him, for anyone else - if it only ends up hurting her. Pain is a burden that doesn't have to be carried by any one person. And maybe he's a hypocrite for wanting better for her, without accepting better for himself. But they both are, and... they can push one another. This feels better than trying to do it all alone.]
[ Pulled more into his embrace, her arm unlinks from his to allow them to be pressed closer to each other. Pyra's torso shudders with a heavy inhale.
He's describing it just as it is: easier in the short term, to not defend oneself or correct another, to not share an opinion or clarify, telling oneself that they're not bothered, or that they're fine... Only for such wounds to be the result. Retreats are useful, yes, but for the both of them-- they might do it too often to be good for them.
She wants to support him so that he feels reassured and empowered to express himself when he wishes. She loves him too much to see him otherwise in pain, or suffering in silence.
Her hand tightens upon his shirt, fingers curling against the fabric, her forehead resting beneath his chin. ]
I love you, Noct. And I'm on your side.
[ She nuzzles her head against him, closing her eyes. ] How... can I make it easier for you?
[The reassurance is simple, but incredibly comforting, and he welcomes it. What he doesn't welcome is her trying to take on the burden for him again, and he exhales a quiet sigh, his head resting against hers. That hadn't been his intent... certainly not when he's trying to console her.]
I love you... and you're already doing enough to make it easier. What I want is... [He presses his lips lightly to her hair.] For you to make it easier for you. We can help each other, but we gotta help ourselves, too.
[She's given him plenty already. He's still working things out, but he's not sure he fully understands the weight of what she's had to deal with, or how to help her going forward.]
[ He's not incorrect about them needing to help themselves as much as they help each other, and she had thought that saying she should be better at this was the same... But perhaps not. Perhaps her phrasing is a little too self-deprecating. Perhaps she's only realized that now, when he had pointed it out. ] Easier said than done...
[ But there's some resolve in her voice, tangled with a wry half-smile that fades too quickly.
"I love you."
...It's taken her this long to realize how incredibly deep his wounds go, how much it scares him, how much pressure it puts on him just to think that he may ask (and want) not to be hurt. She wants to encourage him-- and it's not just about hugging him, as now, when he makes a 'retreat' on his own terms. It has to be more than that.
And, he's helped her come this far. She did manage to make somewhat of an attempt to stand up for herself, even if she had been stomped over by the end.
As for him... He's said before, that she's helped him. "We can help each other, but we gotta help ourselves, too."they can't just open up with each other more whenever something negative happens. That's only supporting half-way. It's time to change that. ] I'll still hold you, even if you don't feel ready. But I want to encourage you... and to celebrate you, when you stand up for yourself, and voice what you feel.
[To encourage her... to celebrate her successes. He wants to give her that, too. To let her know that it's okay to have confidence in these little victories, because the more she does it, the better she'll get. It's the same way for him. Helping and encouraging one another... they can keep trying, over and over, even if they don't succeed every time. Each victory will still count, and he'd like to do his part to help her remember all of them.
That does still leave them with the here and now, though, and... that's a tricky thing to deal with. They can only defend themselves when the opportunity to do so appears in front of them, and he's not too keen to just invite challenges or abuses in some form. They can't just avoid them, either; that would be the same as running away.]
Pyra, um... I was thinking. The next time you and Era end up talking, you should call me.
[Whether it's through the network or in-person, he'd like to see for himself where these conflicts emerge, how Pyra responds. They both believed themselves to be doing what they thought was best or right for them, and that could be fair enough. But until he knows how they interact, he's not sure where to begin. Their perspectives are in conflict.]
[ She might need his support in the future, but for that she'll also have to begin with the very first step: of speaking up for herself, again, of expressing herself. Over the course of year here, she has come to find that some things do bother her, but she refrains from saying it for the benefit of the other, to not offend them, to let them call her as they wish, or otherwise impose over her boundaries.... ]
You're worried that I won't stand up for myself?
[ .... ]
Some of our conversations are already on the network.
I don't go poking through other people's conversations if I can help it. Usually, anyway. Not unless I'm invited.
[He's been curious, and yes, it's public, but that still feels invasive. He's been in the public eye enough and had dirty laundry aired a handful of times - it's inevitable - to make him more respectful of what may or may be out there waiting to be found, whether it involves him or not.]
I just- you both have different ideas about how the conversations go. I don't want what's happening to keep happening. [He pauses, and then adds-] Will you stand up for yourself?
I did, Noct. [ --Or, tried to. Still, she says this, insisting. Pyra's brow raises, and she looks at him worriedly. ] --Or... or I tried to. [ She looks away from him, nursing on her bottom lip.
If he isn't willing to see their past conversations, then it's just a matter of taking one's word against the others'. There's something straining about that, as if he doesn't believe her.
But there's no use helping it. Pyra draws a breath, and she finds herself conceding. ] ...Or. I will... Going forward, I will try.
I.....[ For a moment, it seems as if she's about to withdraw.
But then this could be a small test in speaking up. So, at last, she says: ] Yes. [ The subject matter includes him directly, too. He has a right to know just as any. More than that, privately, she sorely wishes for his support. If this is what it takes to have his support, then perhaps it's necessary. Unfortunately she can't say she wants it, otherwise it might feel forced. As feeble as she feels right now, she tells herself that it could be better this way. He can't just judge something from hearsay or broken attempts at reciting the conversation.
Maybe he'll have some insight. Maybe she was wrong. ] Here.
[ She'll hand him her device, bringing up the conversation. ]
[He reads quietly, focusing mostly on Pyra's words and using Era's for context; he's here to support her, not to pry into information he's not privvy to at this point. It's hard to imagine Era giving any information to Pyra that she wouldn't be willing to share with him, though. At least it had been, until he sees it for himself.
...Paints a very different picture of what he'd known, though. Some he'd assumed based on context clues, but... confirmed now, huh. Tony's a shitty therapist (big surprise), Era's mad about it, and for some reason, confided in Pyra, despite not trusting her or the subject's actual relevance. Based on what happened, it makes sense that she'd be angry, but the direction of it was all wrong.
By the time he reaches the end, a tight frown has crossed his lips.]
Pyra... you didn't want to hear all of that, did you?
[The rant, the information about her therapy, the anger- of course she'd want to share it, to get validation that she was wronged. But with Pyra? He doesn't see the through-line. More importantly, Pyra didn't seem to, either, and even through text her discomfort is palpable.]
[ As he reads the conversation, her head lowers as she casts her gaze down to the free hand in her lap. She smooths out her shorts, idle but anxious, awaiting what he has to say.
Slowly, she nods.
It wasn't so much as what she talked about Tony, but simply trampling over Pyra's requests for her to stop. And while she ranted, she continue to impose and insult her.
But rather than relax, it causes her some tension to finally confess as to how badly she's being treated-- or some proof of it. The other times, he had only seen the aftermath. It does effect her, more than she'd like to admit, and it feels as if she had to keep most of how she feels to herself, all because of his relationship with her-- for his sake, after seeing how badly he reacted. ]
I did try. [ She insists again, only more quietly this time. ]
Yeah... you had the right idea, but maybe not the right words.
[His fingers scan through the exchange again, over her words. Like himself, her replies had been shorter, to the point, bothered by the direction the conversation had taken. Meanwhile Era had been full to bursting with words, desperate to share with someone she didn't even like. To him, it didn't make sense after everything she'd criticized with regards to Pyra and how they interacted.]
Maybe you have to say it. Be more clear about what you want, or what you need to have a fair conversation, otherwise it's way too easy to just steamroll right over you. [He turns the communicator towards her.] You asked her why, and you asked her to take it to Stark instead. You never said "stop".
[He watches her for a moment, worried, then sets the communicator aside and reaches over to cup her face, urging her to look at him.]
Hey. Remember what you told me? If an apology makes you feel worse, then it isn't an apology. [His thumbs brush over her cheeks, his expression a wavering balance between gentle and firm.] You don't have to talk to her if it makes you feel like this. You can walk away.
[Their apologies - and their circumstances - were different, weren't they? She's under no obligation to accept Era's flaws, any more than he'd want to force Era to do the same. That had been part of their last conversation, before the fight in Valeo. He'd told her this needed to stop. Your traumas aren't compatible. Pyra shouldn't have to put up with it, they're not family by choice or blood. They're not even friends. She can walk away.
By her expression, though, and her reaction to what he'd said... he'd taken the wrong path somewhere, and he's not sure how to adjust his course. The apology hadn't seemed so terrible, but everything that followed made it lose sincerity. It's a good idea to set boundaries, isn't it? Or...]
[ She's asking for his opinion, not that it might change what she will do, but because nothing about accepting this feels right. I tried, she told him, and he's reinforcing that she had not done enough. Reinforcements to be assertive are good, but if he had tried, she would have celebrated him, not focused on his failings. He wouldn't have been the one to blame.
She begins to think, then, that perhaps he doesn't know better. This is just the life he's been living, to focus on one's own weaknesses and not acknowledge how another had done the wronging. Pyra continues to say that she wants him to feel as if he can have better, but this...
She feels miserable. And she'd never wish for him to feel this way. She'd want him to know that he did well, that it's not his fault someone else took advantage of his unassertiveness, to insult him where he stands. Between the insults, the ranting, the guilt-tripping, the asking-for-harm, she sees red flags.
He'd be able to make his own decision, but this is not something she would recommend anyone should accept for their own health, and certainly not a loved one; and now, she's wondering if he can see it, too. Is this the sort of 'apology' Era gave Noctis, and he cannot see the signs? Does he not see how she treats others? ]
Something like this... [ She begins slowly, condensing her thoughts. Ultimately, she believes, it does have to do with Noctis, because this may very well be how he treats himself or expects others to treat him, and this is for what he settles.
She can take this, she tells herself. It's been centuries, but she can take his. However, for him? ] Please, Noct, please tell me this isn't something you'd be okay with for yourself. Had our positions be reversed... mm, you can make your own choice, but I'd let you know-- I wouldn't be satisfied for you.
[ In fact, she'd be angered that someone had mistreated him so. ]
[He sits frozen for a long moment as she speaks, listening carefully, allowing those words to sink in through the cloud of confusion that lay between what he'd meant and what she's feeling. Satisfied? No, of course not. What Pyra had had to endure is terrible and uncalled for. It isn't acceptable under any circumstances. To get scolded and ranted at in the middle of an attempted apology, lectured, dismissed further, as if nothing at all has changed...]
I wouldn't... I wouldn't be okay with it.
[The words come slowly, as if he's hesitant to commit to them, lest he say something wrong again. He wouldn't accept them as okay, he wouldn't be satisfied by them. He'd probably listen, as Pyra had done, but that isn't the same. It's different for him, he's-
-his breath catches then, a bit of understanding dawning in his expression. It's different for him, in his mind, but he's not trying to tackle the problem for her. He's telling her to do what he does. He wants her to defend herself or back off if he's not there. He'd wanted to help her with that because...
"I don't trust her with it."
...because... this apology, this behaviour, came after the better one he'd received from Era, when she said she'd gotten help. Three days. She'd lasted three days of failed therapy and given up on help from an outside source, taken that anger out on Pyra with little provocation. And he doesn't trust Era to listen and respond accordingly so the burden is on Pyra to protect herself, like it is on him.
It's wrong. It's wrong, and he'd-]
Shit, [he curses softly and looks at Pyra with wide eyes, stricken as realization rushes through him like a tidal wave.] Pyra- Pyra, I'm sorry. I- can I start over?
[ She takes it to heart, his soft curse, his stricken expression, his apology as if he's done something wrong-- and she squeezes his hand. She doesn't see this as if he had intended to do wrong. He's a product of his own circumstances, and this is how he knows how to comfort and help, and what has helped him in the past (and to this day). Given the life he's led, he doesn't focus on how another mistreats him, but he blames himself; she's seen it so much already. He's extended that to this case, how she had been mistreated- but she didn't do enough to defend.
She normally wouldn't advocate for herself, but if she wants to work on this habit of crippling self-blame with him together, she has to be stronger than she is now for him. She has to think of what she'd say and wish for him in reverse circumstances and not be a hypocrite. That's the hardest part, because she does still wish for his support in her vulnerable moments, if necessary.... just. Not in ways that insidiously reinforce his own ways of assigning self-blame. His upbringing as the Chosen, not the Chooser, is deep, and the pressure of the Prophecy is real; untangling that all is going to be a difficult, long process.
It's hard, too, to keep herself together, when the instinct to blame herself is also so strongly there and choking her, when it feels like she's at fault for being injured by her own shortcomings in not being firmer,...but she knows she has to be strong.
Through these thoughts, Pyra scoots closer to him, turning that hand-hold into a link of her arm through his, giving a half-hug as she looks up at him. ]
Noct, I know what you're saying. It's okay. But...one more time? Try it? But be kinder to yourself, too.
[Okay... okay, he's got another chance at this. Whether he thinks he's earned it or not (and he does not), he'll take it gratefully. He just has to manage not to screw it up this time.
...No pressure.
He looks down at the communicator again, pursing his lips in a tight crease. Be kinder to himself... as in, don't just accept it as things are, don't blame himself, don't fall into the pit of believing that it's only his behaviour that can change or that this is the way things are and always will be. Because... if he believes that for himself, then he's believing it for Pyra, too. Originally, he'd thought that the rules were different for them both, that he can accept it, but she shouldn't have to. But that's not right. It isn't fair. And this isn't how he should approach this sort of thing. And in practice he'd failed to pull that off anyway.
His fingers curl more tightly, and he takes a deep breath.]
What she did... what she said. She shouldn't have done that. You don't deserve it, and I've just been giving excuses for it. I didn't want to say she was wrong. I... sometimes I can't.
[It's difficult for him. He hates to admit how challenging it is, to point at the behaviour of someone he cares about and go that's wrong, because it hurts me. It used to be easier to do when they were hurting someone else. Now... now, it's harder regardless. The crystal made everything harder.
...But he can only use that excuse for so many things before it rings too hollow. What happened in the crystal might be the source, but he's still the one who has to corral those thoughts and turn them into something less harmful to those around him- and himself.]
You did try. You tried a few times, and she wasn't listening to you. That's not your fault. I want you to keep trying, I want you to be strong and stand up for yourself because you deserve better, but even if you never did, that wouldn't make this okay. It's- it's wrong for her to assume the worst and act like it's some kind of moral high ground. She can't throw all this info at you when you never asked for it, and then be angry that you don't do the same, or just lie down and take it. [He looks up, meeting her gaze worriedly.] I'm proud of you for trying... and I'm sorry it's taking me so long to get there.
[ As he speaks, she continues to keep her arm around his, and it's both his words and the comfort his presence offers that help her stay upright instead of breaking down. No one is so strong as to combat each and every doubt alone, and finally feeling acknowledged gives her some closure and... relief. She spoke up, about how she was hurt, and she doesn't think he's saying this just to appease her. He's saying the same things, just-- without the connotation of blame. Just such simple words on his part go a long way.
And Architect, does she want to be there just the same in return for him-- and she has, in the past, when he had blamed himself for not putting on the Ring sooner, for Prompto, for Luna's death, for Ignis' scars, and much, much more. But she knows that this won't be the last of it, for either of them. ]
Th-...Thank you. [ She manages to say, in haling with a small, steadying breath. ] I feel a little better already...
[ There's something very validating about it. ] ...To not feel as to be blamed... or be at fault, for doing what one can. [ And more importantly, allowing oneself to feel that way, at least for now. ] If we can help it, we don't want you to feel that way, either.
[The relief he feels is palpable when she answers. It's not complete absolution- this is a lesson, one he sorely needed. To do better next time, to be more attentive to what he's saying and how he's handling a particular problem. For her, and for him. They're a team, and he ought to be tackling these issues as a team. He can't just do what he's always done and act like it's good enough. It shouldn't be good enough. His desire to protect her should make him stronger, it shouldn't make him drag her down to his level of excusing and pretending this is acceptable.
Gently he tugs her in, giving her a proper hug, squeezing her tight and resting his head on her hair.]
It sucks, [he mumbles.] Feeling like this sucks. I don't want you to accept it. You don't deserve it, and... you're right, I don't, either. We're allowed to ask not to be hurt. And we don't have to accept the blame when asking doesn't change anything.
[ He'll find her returning the embrace from the side, tightly at first, a small shudder passing through her shoulders, then resting comfortably against him.
It's true, she feels a little better already... and stronger for it, too, more than if she'd have handled this alone. (But who is she kidding, she wouldn't have come this far, been supported this far, without him.) ]
I... Me, too. [ She closes her eyes, leaning her head against him. ] I love you, and, because of that... I want better for you, too.
[ Both in what the world gives him, how others treat him, and how he treats himself, the latter of which-- is the hardest to tackle. And to be loved by him, means-- "We're allowed to ask not to be hurt. "-- he wants better for her too. Like she wants him to want better for himself, or accept that idea, he wants the same. What are they but two people who want to help each other and give the other grace and comfort and safety.
Perhaps... She had been a fool for waiting this long to speak to him about she felt. Or perhaps this conversation had come just at the right time. On this debate, she's not sure-- but she's glad to have shared what she felt with him, in a safe way where it felt as if she was being listened to. He's told her she's good at listening, but he is, too. ]
Let's have that, in this world, okay?
[ She gives him another hug, her hand rubbing over his shoulder, wanting to give some encouragement back. There's no doubt in her mind that his battle is far more of an uphill than her own, and for that... she'll give him as much support as she can. But will it be enough? ]
[He takes those signs that he did right by her this time, and he relaxes into her embrace, nodding against her shoulder and resting quietly like that for a little while. It's strange, but he actually does feel better, now that it's out there. There'd been something fundamentally missing from where they'd started, and he's glad they managed to get here somehow. And Pyra's happier to have had the support she deserves, he can tell by the way she holds him. Nothing was truly resolved, the conflict still exists, for both of them. Still, he feels more... satisfied.
Huh.]
Pyra, um...
[He draws back a bit, looking more calm but still somewhat uneased.]
Era talked about therapy. And she's confirmed it was Stark who was supposed to be helping her. ["Helping", in the biggest of fake quotation marks ever.] She told me she wasn't going anymore, but she sent me some stuff she was gonna self-study with, in case it helped me. I... it was kind of a lot. [He's done heavy reading before, but not like this.] And if it's the method they're using... [They're not going great so far.] ...Can I get your opinion on it?
[The methodology feels clumsy to him. There are references and through lines to things he has no pathway to comprehending, no expertise to parse the information. He's certain she's more knowledgeable than him overall, so maybe she can get something out of it that he can't.
He's... also pretty sure that self-therapy doesn't work. It's hard not to be skeptical of this.]
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[It's a familiar story; he'd said as much to Era, that it was easier to not bring up his issues, object to how he's treated. "Easier for who," had been her response. He wants to ask the same of her, but he suspects it would be a similar answer. For both of them, the priority is to protect. Protect others, their feelings, their priorities. Their own can wait, or remain unknown. It's... easier.
Quietly he pulls her in, wrapping both arms around her in a tight embrace. If this is easier, then he doesn't want it to be easy anymore.]
I don't want this anymore. For you, or for me. It feels easier at first, but... this is the trade-off. And this is getting harder, every day.
[He doesn't want her to make it easier - for them, for him, for anyone else - if it only ends up hurting her. Pain is a burden that doesn't have to be carried by any one person. And maybe he's a hypocrite for wanting better for her, without accepting better for himself. But they both are, and... they can push one another. This feels better than trying to do it all alone.]
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He's describing it just as it is: easier in the short term, to not defend oneself or correct another, to not share an opinion or clarify, telling oneself that they're not bothered, or that they're fine... Only for such wounds to be the result. Retreats are useful, yes, but for the both of them-- they might do it too often to be good for them.
She wants to support him so that he feels reassured and empowered to express himself when he wishes. She loves him too much to see him otherwise in pain, or suffering in silence.
Her hand tightens upon his shirt, fingers curling against the fabric, her forehead resting beneath his chin. ]
I love you, Noct. And I'm on your side.
[ She nuzzles her head against him, closing her eyes. ] How... can I make it easier for you?
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I love you... and you're already doing enough to make it easier. What I want is... [He presses his lips lightly to her hair.] For you to make it easier for you. We can help each other, but we gotta help ourselves, too.
[She's given him plenty already. He's still working things out, but he's not sure he fully understands the weight of what she's had to deal with, or how to help her going forward.]
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[ But there's some resolve in her voice, tangled with a wry half-smile that fades too quickly.
"I love you."
...It's taken her this long to realize how incredibly deep his wounds go, how much it scares him, how much pressure it puts on him just to think that he may ask (and want) not to be hurt. She wants to encourage him-- and it's not just about hugging him, as now, when he makes a 'retreat' on his own terms. It has to be more than that.
And, he's helped her come this far. She did manage to make somewhat of an attempt to stand up for herself, even if she had been stomped over by the end.
As for him... He's said before, that she's helped him. "We can help each other, but we gotta help ourselves, too."they can't just open up with each other more whenever something negative happens. That's only supporting half-way. It's time to change that. ] I'll still hold you, even if you don't feel ready. But I want to encourage you... and to celebrate you, when you stand up for yourself, and voice what you feel.
[ The rest, of course, will be up to him. ]
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[To encourage her... to celebrate her successes. He wants to give her that, too. To let her know that it's okay to have confidence in these little victories, because the more she does it, the better she'll get. It's the same way for him. Helping and encouraging one another... they can keep trying, over and over, even if they don't succeed every time. Each victory will still count, and he'd like to do his part to help her remember all of them.
That does still leave them with the here and now, though, and... that's a tricky thing to deal with. They can only defend themselves when the opportunity to do so appears in front of them, and he's not too keen to just invite challenges or abuses in some form. They can't just avoid them, either; that would be the same as running away.]
Pyra, um... I was thinking. The next time you and Era end up talking, you should call me.
[Whether it's through the network or in-person, he'd like to see for himself where these conflicts emerge, how Pyra responds. They both believed themselves to be doing what they thought was best or right for them, and that could be fair enough. But until he knows how they interact, he's not sure where to begin. Their perspectives are in conflict.]
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You're worried that I won't stand up for myself?
[ .... ]
Some of our conversations are already on the network.
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[He's been curious, and yes, it's public, but that still feels invasive. He's been in the public eye enough and had dirty laundry aired a handful of times - it's inevitable - to make him more respectful of what may or may be out there waiting to be found, whether it involves him or not.]
I just- you both have different ideas about how the conversations go. I don't want what's happening to keep happening. [He pauses, and then adds-] Will you stand up for yourself?
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If he isn't willing to see their past conversations, then it's just a matter of taking one's word against the others'. There's something straining about that, as if he doesn't believe her.
But there's no use helping it. Pyra draws a breath, and she finds herself conceding. ] ...Or. I will... Going forward, I will try.
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Do you want to show me?
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But then this could be a small test in speaking up. So, at last, she says: ] Yes. [ The subject matter includes him directly, too. He has a right to know just as any. More than that, privately, she sorely wishes for his support. If this is what it takes to have his support, then perhaps it's necessary. Unfortunately she can't say she wants it, otherwise it might feel forced. As feeble as she feels right now, she tells herself that it could be better this way. He can't just judge something from hearsay or broken attempts at reciting the conversation.
Maybe he'll have some insight. Maybe she was wrong. ] Here.
[ She'll hand him her device, bringing up the conversation. ]
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...Paints a very different picture of what he'd known, though. Some he'd assumed based on context clues, but... confirmed now, huh. Tony's a shitty therapist (big surprise), Era's mad about it, and for some reason, confided in Pyra, despite not trusting her or the subject's actual relevance. Based on what happened, it makes sense that she'd be angry, but the direction of it was all wrong.
By the time he reaches the end, a tight frown has crossed his lips.]
Pyra... you didn't want to hear all of that, did you?
[The rant, the information about her therapy, the anger- of course she'd want to share it, to get validation that she was wronged. But with Pyra? He doesn't see the through-line. More importantly, Pyra didn't seem to, either, and even through text her discomfort is palpable.]
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Slowly, she nods.
It wasn't so much as what she talked about Tony, but simply trampling over Pyra's requests for her to stop. And while she ranted, she continue to impose and insult her.
But rather than relax, it causes her some tension to finally confess as to how badly she's being treated-- or some proof of it. The other times, he had only seen the aftermath. It does effect her, more than she'd like to admit, and it feels as if she had to keep most of how she feels to herself, all because of his relationship with her-- for his sake, after seeing how badly he reacted. ]
I did try. [ She insists again, only more quietly this time. ]
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[His fingers scan through the exchange again, over her words. Like himself, her replies had been shorter, to the point, bothered by the direction the conversation had taken. Meanwhile Era had been full to bursting with words, desperate to share with someone she didn't even like. To him, it didn't make sense after everything she'd criticized with regards to Pyra and how they interacted.]
Maybe you have to say it. Be more clear about what you want, or what you need to have a fair conversation, otherwise it's way too easy to just steamroll right over you. [He turns the communicator towards her.] You asked her why, and you asked her to take it to Stark instead. You never said "stop".
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I see. Thank you.
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Hey. Remember what you told me? If an apology makes you feel worse, then it isn't an apology. [His thumbs brush over her cheeks, his expression a wavering balance between gentle and firm.] You don't have to talk to her if it makes you feel like this. You can walk away.
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Would you accept it?
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This isn't about me...
[Their apologies - and their circumstances - were different, weren't they? She's under no obligation to accept Era's flaws, any more than he'd want to force Era to do the same. That had been part of their last conversation, before the fight in Valeo. He'd told her this needed to stop. Your traumas aren't compatible. Pyra shouldn't have to put up with it, they're not family by choice or blood. They're not even friends. She can walk away.
By her expression, though, and her reaction to what he'd said... he'd taken the wrong path somewhere, and he's not sure how to adjust his course. The apology hadn't seemed so terrible, but everything that followed made it lose sincerity. It's a good idea to set boundaries, isn't it? Or...]
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She begins to think, then, that perhaps he doesn't know better. This is just the life he's been living, to focus on one's own weaknesses and not acknowledge how another had done the wronging. Pyra continues to say that she wants him to feel as if he can have better, but this...
She feels miserable. And she'd never wish for him to feel this way. She'd want him to know that he did well, that it's not his fault someone else took advantage of his unassertiveness, to insult him where he stands. Between the insults, the ranting, the guilt-tripping, the asking-for-harm, she sees red flags.
He'd be able to make his own decision, but this is not something she would recommend anyone should accept for their own health, and certainly not a loved one; and now, she's wondering if he can see it, too. Is this the sort of 'apology' Era gave Noctis, and he cannot see the signs? Does he not see how she treats others? ]
Something like this... [ She begins slowly, condensing her thoughts. Ultimately, she believes, it does have to do with Noctis, because this may very well be how he treats himself or expects others to treat him, and this is for what he settles.
She can take this, she tells herself. It's been centuries, but she can take his. However, for him? ] Please, Noct, please tell me this isn't something you'd be okay with for yourself. Had our positions be reversed... mm, you can make your own choice, but I'd let you know-- I wouldn't be satisfied for you.
[ In fact, she'd be angered that someone had mistreated him so. ]
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I wouldn't... I wouldn't be okay with it.
[The words come slowly, as if he's hesitant to commit to them, lest he say something wrong again. He wouldn't accept them as okay, he wouldn't be satisfied by them. He'd probably listen, as Pyra had done, but that isn't the same. It's different for him, he's-
-his breath catches then, a bit of understanding dawning in his expression. It's different for him, in his mind, but he's not trying to tackle the problem for her. He's telling her to do what he does. He wants her to defend herself or back off if he's not there. He'd wanted to help her with that because...
"I don't trust her with it."
...because... this apology, this behaviour, came after the better one he'd received from Era, when she said she'd gotten help. Three days. She'd lasted three days of failed therapy and given up on help from an outside source, taken that anger out on Pyra with little provocation. And he doesn't trust Era to listen and respond accordingly so the burden is on Pyra to protect herself, like it is on him.
It's wrong. It's wrong, and he'd-]
Shit, [he curses softly and looks at Pyra with wide eyes, stricken as realization rushes through him like a tidal wave.] Pyra- Pyra, I'm sorry. I- can I start over?
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She normally wouldn't advocate for herself, but if she wants to work on this habit of crippling self-blame with him together, she has to be stronger than she is now for him. She has to think of what she'd say and wish for him in reverse circumstances and not be a hypocrite. That's the hardest part, because she does still wish for his support in her vulnerable moments, if necessary.... just. Not in ways that insidiously reinforce his own ways of assigning self-blame. His upbringing as the Chosen, not the Chooser, is deep, and the pressure of the Prophecy is real; untangling that all is going to be a difficult, long process.
It's hard, too, to keep herself together, when the instinct to blame herself is also so strongly there and choking her, when it feels like she's at fault for being injured by her own shortcomings in not being firmer,...but she knows she has to be strong.
Through these thoughts, Pyra scoots closer to him, turning that hand-hold into a link of her arm through his, giving a half-hug as she looks up at him. ]
Noct, I know what you're saying. It's okay. But...one more time? Try it? But be kinder to yourself, too.
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...No pressure.
He looks down at the communicator again, pursing his lips in a tight crease. Be kinder to himself... as in, don't just accept it as things are, don't blame himself, don't fall into the pit of believing that it's only his behaviour that can change or that this is the way things are and always will be. Because... if he believes that for himself, then he's believing it for Pyra, too. Originally, he'd thought that the rules were different for them both, that he can accept it, but she shouldn't have to. But that's not right. It isn't fair. And this isn't how he should approach this sort of thing. And in practice he'd failed to pull that off anyway.
His fingers curl more tightly, and he takes a deep breath.]
What she did... what she said. She shouldn't have done that. You don't deserve it, and I've just been giving excuses for it. I didn't want to say she was wrong. I... sometimes I can't.
[It's difficult for him. He hates to admit how challenging it is, to point at the behaviour of someone he cares about and go that's wrong, because it hurts me. It used to be easier to do when they were hurting someone else. Now... now, it's harder regardless. The crystal made everything harder.
...But he can only use that excuse for so many things before it rings too hollow. What happened in the crystal might be the source, but he's still the one who has to corral those thoughts and turn them into something less harmful to those around him- and himself.]
You did try. You tried a few times, and she wasn't listening to you. That's not your fault. I want you to keep trying, I want you to be strong and stand up for yourself because you deserve better, but even if you never did, that wouldn't make this okay. It's- it's wrong for her to assume the worst and act like it's some kind of moral high ground. She can't throw all this info at you when you never asked for it, and then be angry that you don't do the same, or just lie down and take it. [He looks up, meeting her gaze worriedly.] I'm proud of you for trying... and I'm sorry it's taking me so long to get there.
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And Architect, does she want to be there just the same in return for him-- and she has, in the past, when he had blamed himself for not putting on the Ring sooner, for Prompto, for Luna's death, for Ignis' scars, and much, much more. But she knows that this won't be the last of it, for either of them. ]
Th-...Thank you. [ She manages to say, in haling with a small, steadying breath. ] I feel a little better already...
[ There's something very validating about it. ] ...To not feel as to be blamed... or be at fault, for doing what one can. [ And more importantly, allowing oneself to feel that way, at least for now. ] If we can help it, we don't want you to feel that way, either.
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Gently he tugs her in, giving her a proper hug, squeezing her tight and resting his head on her hair.]
It sucks, [he mumbles.] Feeling like this sucks. I don't want you to accept it. You don't deserve it, and... you're right, I don't, either. We're allowed to ask not to be hurt. And we don't have to accept the blame when asking doesn't change anything.
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It's true, she feels a little better already... and stronger for it, too, more than if she'd have handled this alone. (But who is she kidding, she wouldn't have come this far, been supported this far, without him.) ]
I... Me, too. [ She closes her eyes, leaning her head against him. ] I love you, and, because of that... I want better for you, too.
[ Both in what the world gives him, how others treat him, and how he treats himself, the latter of which-- is the hardest to tackle. And to be loved by him, means-- "We're allowed to ask not to be hurt. "-- he wants better for her too. Like she wants him to want better for himself, or accept that idea, he wants the same. What are they but two people who want to help each other and give the other grace and comfort and safety.
Perhaps... She had been a fool for waiting this long to speak to him about she felt. Or perhaps this conversation had come just at the right time. On this debate, she's not sure-- but she's glad to have shared what she felt with him, in a safe way where it felt as if she was being listened to. He's told her she's good at listening, but he is, too. ]
Let's have that, in this world, okay?
[ She gives him another hug, her hand rubbing over his shoulder, wanting to give some encouragement back. There's no doubt in her mind that his battle is far more of an uphill than her own, and for that... she'll give him as much support as she can. But will it be enough? ]
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Huh.]
Pyra, um...
[He draws back a bit, looking more calm but still somewhat uneased.]
Era talked about therapy. And she's confirmed it was Stark who was supposed to be helping her. ["Helping", in the biggest of fake quotation marks ever.] She told me she wasn't going anymore, but she sent me some stuff she was gonna self-study with, in case it helped me. I... it was kind of a lot. [He's done heavy reading before, but not like this.] And if it's the method they're using... [They're not going great so far.] ...Can I get your opinion on it?
[The methodology feels clumsy to him. There are references and through lines to things he has no pathway to comprehending, no expertise to parse the information. He's certain she's more knowledgeable than him overall, so maybe she can get something out of it that he can't.
He's... also pretty sure that self-therapy doesn't work. It's hard not to be skeptical of this.]
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